Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie was two and a half years old and Mattie was Winnie the Pooh that Halloween. I remember going to Target with Mattie sitting in the cart and picking out his costume together. Given Mattie's distaste for many different materials, I had to stick with something soft and not scratchy. We gravitated to Pooh. That Halloween, Peter's brother and family were still living in Washington, DC. So we went to their neighborhood and trick or treated together. This was Mattie's first experience with Trick or Treating and he had mixed feelings about it. Of course Mattie did not like candy, so there really wasn't a motivator that year. As he got older, he enjoyed trick or treating with his friends and experiencing the social component of going house to house.
Quote of the day: My brother was a great favorite with everybody, and his death cast a gloom upon the whole neighborhood. ~ Buffalo Bill
I couldn't get out of bed this morning. I felt exhausted. By 7:30am, I pulled myself out and got it together. However, Peter let me know that he couldn't find Indie. Typically Indie pops up as soon as Peter gets up in the morning. Indie is a big eater and by the time I get up, she has usually devoured breakfast. Turns out Indie was in my closet, sitting in a cat pouch, hiding. That wasn't a good sign. She made no movement and wasn't interested in coming out to get food. Clearly Indie wasn't feeling well. I got down on the floor and sat next to her for a while and petted her. Eventually after I came downstairs to start breakfast, she showed up.
As you can see, Indie made herself at home on our kitchen stool. She appears to be back to normal, but I admit that I am not spending as much time with Indie and Sunny as I once did.
After breakfast was cleaned up and my dad completed his walking routine, I put him in his recliner and my mom and I went to the farmer's market. It fascinates me how my dad has no interest in any activity other than eating. He once LOVED to go grocery shopping and picking out food. Not any more. His energy level continues to decline rapidly and I am hoping with starting Ritalin this week that we can stabilize him enough, so that he can participate in some aspect of life.
Our farmer's market features a local musician or musical group each week. This week the artist performing reminded me of James Taylor. He had the same quality/tone of voice, so much so that I stopped to take notice. So I went over to talk with him and we played name that tune together. In any case he is coming back next week and I already told him what songs I want to hear. I asked him if he knew "Our Town" by James Taylor and he wasn't familiar with it. I told him to look it up. I will never forget hearing that song with Mattie for the first time. The song was featured in Mattie's favorite movie, Lightning McQueen. It is a very touching song, and even playing the name that tune game reminded me of our time in the hospital, when Mattie used to play this same game with Jerry and Nancy (the music volunteer duo).
While in the car driving back from the farmer's market, my mom was reflecting upon her career and what she was able to accomplish. Naturally I am proud of her accomplishments and happy for her, but I am not in the best place emotionally. I could have easily lashed out but I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself. In so many ways I feel like my life has thrown me one curve ball after the other. Whatever I wanted to accomplish has been diverted with caregiving. First trying to face childhood cancer and Mattie's death and now full-time caregiving for my parents. Certainly that is a choice I guess, but not something I was expecting to happen. I know that no one could have raised and cared for Mattie like me, nor can I turf off my parent's care to someone else. I did that in Los Angeles, and clearly that did not turn out well. Both of my parent's health failed and the caregivers never alerted me. At the end of the day I will never look back saying.... I should have, but I do know that taking on these caregiver roles have sacrificed other opportunities for me.
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