Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie was home between treatments and as you can see was doing water play in our living room. I can't tell you how many times this particular space in our home was used for water, paint, Legos, trains, and even clay. Mattie was a very hands-on fellow and though we never used the pink basin for medical reasons, we brought it home from the hospital so Mattie had another receptacle to fill with water! Despite all that he was going through, don't you just love that smile?
Quote of the day: Anxiety happens when you think you have to figure out everything all at once. Breathe. You're strong. You got this. Take it day by day. ~ Karen Salmansohn
I would have to say today I am a combination of exhausted and frustrated! The Research Team, that the Foundation is working with, had a call at 9am this morning. Though I would have liked to participate on the call, it was impossible given all that I am balancing. At that time of morning, I have to get my dad up, showered, dressed and downstairs for breakfast, because his physical therapist comes at 11am on Thursdays. I try NOT to dwell on all the things I am missing out on. Not just caring for myself, interacting with friends, but also being a professional human being!
Caregiving has resulted in one thing...... a complete fading of Vicki the person. Because I couldn't be on the call today, I had Peter participate. Of course Peter can represent the Foundation beautifully and frankly on conference calls, he is much better than me, because his consulting skills kick in and he has a way of drawing out dialogue and insights from everyone. Nonetheless, I still wasn't happy about not being on the call. I am not sure if it is the call itself that upset me, or the sheer fact that I have no independence or freedom.
On another note, my dad is super fixated on Peter. He always wants Peter to be going out with us when we eat (which isn't possible given that Peter had been looking for a job and is now focused on house projects), and my dad's latest kick is his focus on how happy he is that Peter found a great job opportunity. My dad is very fond of Peter and my dad reminded me today (as if I needed this), the enormous stress Peter was under because of his job hunting. Honestly some moments I can go with the flow, and others, I just can't! This afternoon, after hearing this lament about Peter twenty times, during the 21st time, I said, I GET IT! I know all about Peter's stresses, but if my dad wanted the TRUE 411 on daily stresses, I would enlighten him. Of course I never did! But my parents don't see my stresses, how I am compromising my own life to manage these daily 24/7 tasks, and this all frustrates me. I am very tired and this contributes to my inability to be a mature, kind, and rational person all the time. When feeling this way, I have to pause, take a deep breath and as today's quote points out, I have to take it 'day by day.'
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