Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. Despite the fact that Mattie was in terrible pain and dying, he was still experiencing the typical things kids contend with.... such as losing teeth. As you can see Mattie put his front tooth in his fairy box. I will never forget buying this box with Mattie on one of our trips to Florida. This was back when Mattie was well and I thought we would have many fun moments with this box. This box, along with Mattie's teeth, remain in my nightstand.
Quote of the day: If you have become upset by something, let this be a prompt to check on whether your expectations are realistic and helpful regarding the situation or others involved. ~ Steve Peter
I would say overall today was an upsetting day. I work very hard at my caregiving role and at the end of the day, no one in my family seems to be happy. I just feel the stress of everyone piled on top of me. Some days I can manage it better than others, and some days, I just want to walk away from all of this and never come back home. As tonight's quote points out.... are my expectations realistic and do these expectations help to explain why I am upset? I don't know and frankly I don't care. I am tired and feel constantly undervalued and under appreciated, and therefore, it doesn't matter if this is a realistic evaluation or simply how I am feeling. At the end of the day, this is my reality. A reality that is hard to describe unless you are living it.
My dad's skin issues have worn me down to no end this week. He has scratched up his foot and now both arms. Today I put on UV sport sleeves on his arms to prevent him from directly scratching his skin. It is a constant battle managing his needs and there is no point in trying to rationalize with him, because 30 seconds later he has forgotten our conversation. In addition, his dementia makes him fixate on things. Like a bug bite for example, and this fixation causes him to scratch his skin raw. Truly it is upsetting and I can't seem to stop the cycle. Despite spraying him with Deep Woods Off, him wearing longs sleeves, socks, and pants, he gets bitten right through his clothing. If the scratching was the only issue I was dealing with, that would be hard enough. But the irritable bowel syndrome is a nightmare of grand proportion.
Now my mom is another part of the equation, who needs constant support. The problem with my mom is she refuses to accept that she has a cognitive problem and needs help. In her mind, she functions fine, should be driving, and should be living a different life. I wish she could, and I wish she could care for herself and my dad. But that ship sailed years ago.
Any case, I am so overwhelmed at the moment, that I am stopping everything I am doing and going for a walk. It is my hope that movement and seeing greenery helps me reset my mood.
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