Sunday, October 15, 2023

Sunday, October 15, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie was two years old. Though we had taken Mattie to Fall Festivals the year before, in 2004,  was his first time going down these large slides! Mattie was a lot braver than me because there would have been no way I would have done this at age 2. Of course, I don't think Mattie would have tried it if Peter wasn't with him. Mattie sat on Peter's lap and they went down together. Needless to say, once Mattie tried it, he was hooked on the fun. 

Quote of the day: You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp. ~ Anne Lamott

As we move through October, I realize November and December are fast approaching. The notion of the holidays are absolutely sickening to me. I truly dread this time of year, and this year, my feelings seem much more raw and uncontrollable than ever before. I would have hoped that I would have come to terms with holidays by now, but unfortunately the sad reality is I haven't! 

I think in 2021 and 2022, I rose to the occasion because my parents are living with us. I figured decorating would orient them to the season and the holiday. I tried my best, but the unfortunate truth is my dad can't remember one moment to the next and my mom isn't far behind. Honestly they were my reason for acknowledging the holidays in my house, but this year, I am pausing and wondering.... what do I do? I know I have time to think about it, but it is one of a thousand things weighing on my mind. 

Basically the reality is I wish Mattie were alive. I could use him in my life now, more than ever. We understood one another and he was a very loyal and devoted fellow. We just did not have enough time and holidays together and no amount of reflections and memories can fill the void that his loss leaves behind.