Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie's preschool was celebrating Halloween. This preschool was NOT a good match for Mattie. I will never forget what a negative experience it was for him and me. As everyday, I would receive a call from the director of the school complaining about Mattie. After two months of attendance in the school, he was dismissed as Mattie bit the director and a fellow student. Needless to say, any time there were events or trips in that dysfunctional school, I volunteered and tagged along. In a way, if Mattie wasn't dismissed from this school, we would never have landed up at his amazing preschool in Alexandria, VA. It was fate and in a way, that second preschool transformed our life and social circle for the better.
Quote of the day: Time heals old pain, while it creates new ones. ~ Proverb
I was sent this article entitled, In this Shadow Life of Child Loss. Typically, I have to admit that I rarely find articles, lists, and reflections much help to me. I didn't from day one of grief and now 14 years later, I would say I feel the same. Mainly because losing a child is so heartbreaking and each of us manage this pain in our own unique way.
This article did capture my attention for many reasons, but the bereaved author mentioned two things which I quoted below.................
"I remember being told that the second year is often harder than the first, and when year two rolled around, I was grateful for that knowledge because I thought I was either going insane or sinking into a bottomless pit. Well, we are quickly approaching our third year, and dear one, it hasn’t gotten any easier."
"At every holiday, you’ll be thinking about the past, the before. When everything was okay, and you and the Jones were living life to the full. Now, the Jones’ are still living large, but you maybe don’t feel like leaving the house. Your calendar may become strangely blank."
I wholeheartedly agree with the mom who wrote this article. I think it is vital to educate newly bereaved parents about the journey of grief. Our society programs us to think that after year one of such a traumatic loss that we are going to return to NORMAL! Of course when this doesn't happen, and instead we find that year two and three are almost worse than year one, we then think something is very wrong with us. Like this mom, I believe it is important to break this myth. I try not to scare bereaved parents, but I do prepare them that this WILL BE a journey, a journey that most people in their lives (including family) can't comprehend or even help and provide support.
The second quote I highlighted from the article discusses holidays! Rather ironic, as I was just talking about holidays a few days ago in the blog. You would think I have been at this for 14 years now, that I have LEARNED the art of managing and coping through holidays. Certainly holidays aren't as raw as they were in the beginning, but in many ways when you are raw you find ways to protect yourself. It is only after enduring such a traumatic loss year after year, that a total level of confusion, disillusionment, and sadness becomes pervasive. They have a way of clouding your entire life, until (if you don't work on it) it eats you up inside. It takes a lot of introspection and reflection not to be bitter. Not to be jealous of friends and the world who have healthy and ALIVE children. Yet no matter how much you work on this and rationalize the irrational, our calendars are a lot less FILLED during the holidays. This is just plain and simple, it's our reality.
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