Sunday, September 8, 2024

Sunday, September 8, 2024 -- the 15th anniversary of Mattie's death. 

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. By this time we knew that Mattie's cancer was terminal. In fact he was only alive a few weeks after this photo was taken. Mattie always wanted a ride-on vehicle. When he was well, there was no way we felt such a gadget was needed. However, when your child is dying and this is what he wants, you jump at the chance to get it. Mattie named this ride-on vehicle, Speedy Red. When Mattie sat in the driver's seat, I was nervous, and therefore squeezed myself into this car and sat in the passenger seat. But here is the funny thing.... Mattie was a natural. He just understood the mechanics of driving and this car gave him the freedom to zoom around in our commons area. I will never forget how Speedy Red brought moments of happiness during times of great sadness and pain. 

Quote of the day: There is an endearing tenderness in the love of a mother to a son that transcends all other affections of the heart. ~ Washington Irving

If I had to describe how I felt all day today, I would say I ranged from miserable to having great anxiety. My life is in shambles and the 15th anniversary of Mattie's death has compounded the sadness. Nothing is worse than trying to acknowledge this day without my spouse's presence. For the last 14 years, Peter and I shared this loss and this devastation together. I just can't believe some days that this is my life. Literally I wake up and go to bed in deep confusion. 

In the midst of this great sadness, my dad kept wishing Mattie a happy birthday today, and my mom is equally a bundle. Her walking and stability are worse than ever and she has no insight into her condition and issues. Yet when I am out with them, I am balancing my dad and his walker, my mom is holding my arm, and I am carrying tote bags and blankets for my mom. I feel like a sherpa. Most days, I tolerate it, but some days I would like the freedom to just be. To figure out how I am feeling, without running from one task or crisis to the other. When I say my existence is miserable, it is a very accurate statement. I live with no one who looks out for me, or who can step up and do a chore, a task, or handle an issue. It is daunting, disillusioning, frustrating, and depressing. Some days I really have to wonder what on earth is God thinking?!

The feeling of anxiety was so intense today, that I literally couldn't sit still. I took my parents out to brunch, but I wanted to jump out of my skin. My mom is glued to her phone (NO IDEA what is so important on that phone), and my dad eats too fast, needed several bathroom trips, and when not eating or in the bathroom, had his head down at the table. Truly the whole sight is depressing and neither of them can understand that I NEED SUPPORT and kindness. 

To manage all these feelings, when I got back home and got my dad situated, I went outside with the hedge trimmer. That thing has been my gadget of choice. I have gone at so many scrubs over the past several weeks, I can't tell you. Some people need to punch things to vent, I just need to pull weeds and hedge trim. It doesn't take away any of the pain, but it does get out frustration and anxiety. 

I got a message from my friend and colleague today. She reminded me of this Remember Mattie video that I created back in 2009, for Mattie's memory of life celebration. Thank you Mary Ann for reminding me of this video. The song gets me every time. You won't find this song anywhere! It was recorded by a friend of Mattie's preschool, and as soon as I was sent it after Mattie died, I knew it would make the perfect music for a video. Check out this four minute video of my Mattie's life. He was taken way too soon, and it is devastating to think that he has been gone twice as long as he has been alive. Today, tomorrow, forever.... I remember Mattie.