Monday, November 4, 2024

Monday, November 4, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old. That day, he and I walked to Peter's office. It wasn't far from our home. By that point in Peter's career, he earned his own office. So it was a big and exciting time for our family. Mattie was happy that Peter had a big white board in his office, and naturally this space inspired Mattie's creativity. A telltale Mattie drawing ALWAYS included a SUN. Therefore, it is no surprise that the sun became the symbol for Mattie Miracle. 

Quote of the day: There is no such thing as a ‘broken family.’ Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you. ~ C. Joybell 

You would think since I have been separated for a year now that I have gotten accustomed to being the only adult on duty in my household. But here is the funny thing about the brain.... it can play games on you. Because I am dealing with an ambiguous loss, there is a magical component to this situation! In that my mind may have acknowledged I was separated, but my heart wasn't there. In fact, even with a divorce my heart may never get there! Part of me lives within a Hallmark movie, in which I have this underlying notion that love always wins. That the bond between two people can overcome all sorts of adversity. After all, we survived Mattie's diagnosis and death. We faced the impossible together, built a Foundation, and live with this forever loss each day. 

I truly can't fathom how I have gone from Peter's everything to Peter's nothing. Today I got a correspondence in the mail letting me know I have been removed from Peter's 401K. Certainly from a logical standpoint, that was coming. But seeing this felt like I was mortally wounded. My well-being means nothing, my years and devotion, are meaningless, and what this all tells me in spades is I am viewed as a financial burden. All of this brings me down!!!

In addition to this, I am working on figuring out health insurance. When I read the Final Order of Divorce, it basically said I could stay on Peter's health insurance until our divorce. It never dawned on me that this would occur on October 31. So here I am scrambling to work out this detail, ALONE! Because LORD knows my days are so free, that I have years of experience balancing all of this, and that doing all of these tasks doesn't have an emotional toll! NOT!!!

Meanwhile, on Wednesday from 8-10am, I will be participating in a virtual conference with one of our major sponsors and their members. Three community non-profits have been asked to serve on a panel, and Mattie Miracle was selected.

I have to say, preparing for this has been bittersweet. Because Peter and I typically did these events together. As I told our marriage counselor (who we only lasted with for two sessions.... Peter's choice),..... 'we are better together.' This was how I actually felt. It is very hard for my brain to separate the person I thought Peter was and the man I have loved all these years, to the person he has now become. 

Any case, tonight I decided to place some visuals around my office for Wednesday's event. All of these visuals highlight so many of our amazing accomplishments. Do you know that on November 2, 2024, Mattie Miracle celebrated its 15th birthday? It hard to understand how Mattie's Foundation has been alive longer than Mattie, twice as long to be specific.