.jpg)
Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2005. Mattie was three and half years old and that weekend we took him to the National Geographic Museum in Washington, DC. Outside of the Museum they had these wonderful sculptures of primates. Mattie posed with one! This has to be one of my favorite photos because it highlighted Mattie's beautiful smile and sheer joy for life.
Quote of the day: Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you. ~ Rupi Kaur
I truthfully see and interact with very few people. My friends know this and Ann and Tanja were willing to just come in, give me a hug, and leave. But instead, when they came, we went outside and sat in the sun. I left my parents inside. That was actually a good idea, which was encouraged by my friends. Because if my mom is included, she will monopolize the conversation.
For two hours, we sat and chatted. My friends are as devastated and confused as I am, because no one would ever have guessed that Peter wasn't happy and in love with me. The point is, it wasn't just me who is stunned by this revelation!
I would say I am so traumatized that it is easier for me to shut out of the world. I do this for self protection because I can't see and absorb normal. To me everything else is normal in comparison to what I am dealing with. I know there are many other hurts in the world, I haven't lost touch with reality, but this is how I am feeling at the moment. I recognize this traumatic feeling all too well from when Mattie was diagnosed and then died. Being around people who lead active lives and aren't living with child loss, abandonment, and betrayal is difficult for me. Maybe because it reminds me how different I am and I see what I am missing in life. I can't handle that right now, as I am emotionally raw and fragile.
That said, it was helpful to be outside, to be surrounded by greenery, and to have friends listen and care. I am so so busy caring for my parents, that I have conditioned myself to come last. Or not come at all! I also am aware of the fact that unless living my grief and abandonment, it is hard to hear over and over my story and my feelings. So that is another reason I shut people out. Yet it is the telling, retelling, and processing of this nightmare that is necessary in order for me to find some sort of stability.
On top of all the emotions I am facing, I am also dealing with non-stop panic attacks. Another scary feeling, that seems to just overtake me. Yet I have to function and therefore I try to rationalize with myself that I am physically fine, and just as quickly at this anxiety comes on, it will dissipate. Overall, with grief, trauma, abandonment, betrayal, panic attacks, and caregiving, I feel wiped out on every level.
No comments:
Post a Comment