Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five year's old. That weekend, we went to walk on Roosevelt Island in Washington, DC. A typical weekend activity. This place was like Mattie's playground, a place we traversed regardless of the season or weather. I will never forget these beautiful walks.... with Mattie, with Peter, and with Sunny. Now all three of them are gone from my life. You may notice I was carrying a big leaf! Which was a Mattie find! Mattie never left the Island empty handed. He loved collecting a piece of nature, almost like a memento of our journey together.
Quote of the day: "You asked why I couldn't forgive you," Nick said, very quietly, and I jumped a little. "It was because you were the love of my life, Harper. And you didn't want to be. That's hard to let go." ~ Kristan Higgins
I woke up at 5:30am. By 7:45am, I hopped on the virtual conference call. This event was being held by one of Mattie Miracle's larger community sponsors. This credit union donates $10,000 to us each year. Their donations started in 2022. The credit union's board of directors wanted to donate to a cancer organization, but one that did something different from most! So Mattie Miracle was chosen!
I served on a panel today with two other non-profit executive directors. Their non-profits are larger than Mattie Miracle, they have staff and a bigger operating budget. So that could have been daunting. I emphasize, could have! But what I quickly determined is Mattie Miracle has accomplished a ton in 15 years, whereas these organizations are over 60 years old. We have NO PAID staff either, unlike these other organizations. When I listened to what we do versus what they do, I couldn't help but feel proud. We offer all sorts of diverse services from our child life programs, our hospital snack & item carts, our Wishes, our therapy grants, and our innovative research grants.
It was a two hour call and I would say I more than held my own. What I can easily say is that I am guided by Mattie, our life together, and his cancer experience. That will ALWAYS be my motivating force! After the call, one of the non-profit leaders wrote to the group and he said he was blown away by the passion for the causes on the call. Indeed.
As easily as I can feel proud and on a high about the positive nature of the call, I can quickly snap and feel dejected, lost, and depressed. The vast swings in my life are very hard to manage. This was the first Mattie Miracle presentation I have done without Peter. Over the weekend, I moved Peter's computer camera and desk lamp down to my desk. Peter has much better equipment than me and I appreciate the better quality camera and crisper light, but I felt in a way that these items somehow were symbolic of Peter's representation on the call. I know.... it may sound crazy! The loss of Peter in my life has left an incredible hole in my heart, mind, and spirit. Though I am well aware that he is no longer the person I know, my mind is locked into the person I felt he was, the person I respected and who I thought valued, loved, and respected me.
I feel like a broken record of feelings. Fortunately I have my friend Liz in England. We both play the same record daily, which helps to normalize a very unsettling and very upsetting existence. We share our journey, our thoughts, and feelings. I did not think it was possible to be close to someone across an ocean, but I am learning it is possible. We are bonded in trauma, abandonment, betrayal, and grief.
No comments:
Post a Comment