Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day in kindergarten, Mattie's tooth came loose and literally came out of his mouth and onto his friend, Tim. I can only imagine Tim's reaction! This was Mattie's first baby tooth to come out and I am so glad that his teacher was able to retrieve it and send it home with Mattie. As you can see, Mattie's teacher wrote this note and taped the tooth to it! Mattie was holding up the sign and I think he was more concerned about what this meant to have a missing tooth rather than excited about what the tooth fairy was going to bring him.
Quote of the day: How many divorces are caused by the word nothing? I think this would be a very interesting statistic. ~ Sophie Kinsella
This morning, was another early morning, as both of my parents had their six month visit to the cardiologist. This doctor has been in our lives since 2022, when my dad needed an emergency pacemaker placement. This doctor is about my age and is Italian. So my parents relate to him and he relates to my parents.
He is a very unique physician because he comes in and has a conversation! Not just for a minute or two, but several. Today he must have talked to all three of us for 30 minutes. NOTHING to do with medicine either! This man is devoted to his wife and his two children and today he told us that he met his wife when they were in second grade. He says that he knows she truly loves him because she fell in love with him before he had anything! We discussed his trip to France, his desire to get his Italian citizenship, and so much more.
When I met this physician, I was legally married, and so most people perceive me as being in a stable relationship and also caring for my parents. I still wear my wedding ring, and this is by choice. So me some things are bigger than the law, and in the eyes of the Catholic church I am still married. To me being married, and for so long, is my identity. I have been a wife all my adult life, so whether the law tells me I am married or not, I know what marriage means to me and I know myself. This time in my life reminds me of when Mattie had just died. People would see photos of Mattie in my wallet (when I opened it up in stores), and it naturally led to conversations. Sometimes I handled the chatting well and at other times, I shut down.
Similarly to me now, I truly avoid the conversation of my marriage, of my divorce, and instead, I just proceed like my life is the same as it has always been. In a way, a facade! I see my therapist every Thursday, and tonight she asked me... do I cry over my divorce? As if that is the benchmark of dealing with trauma and grief. She never likes my answer! My answer is NO, I am NOT a crier. It takes a lot to get me to let down my guard enough to feel anything, and I remind her..... I am a caregiver. I am responsible for two people, therefore, falling apart, crying, and having a pity party is just NOT possible. Sometimes some of her suggestions make me wonder..... really?
She thinks I need to take an hour each day, to work through anger. She gave me examples of things I could do! Anyone reading this and who knows me well knows..... do not be prescriptive with me. Do not give me examples of what I should do, and MOST definitely do not tell me to feel a certain way at any point, much less one hour a day! This whole dialogue felt like I was back in grade school!
I got back in my car from the session and felt nothing. Other than agitated. If I hear one more time that I am learning about how strong I am, I am going to blow. I do not need one more issue, tragedy, or crisis to prove my strength. In fact, I have been dealt with enough blows in life and at this point what I would love is stability, support, kindness, and respect from my spouse. All things that will never happen.
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