Monday, December 29, 2025Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006. Mattie was four years old and one of our annual holiday traditions was visiting the US Botanical Gardens. Each December, they displayed these wonderful national landmarks, each made of plant based material. Mattie and I typically took a photo in front of the miniature version of the US Capitol! The Gardens were magical over the holidays with their pops of color, holiday train displays, and of course the 70/80 degree temperatures inside were SO special when it was freezing outside! Back then, I thought I we would have MANY more moments like this!
Quote of the day: When I miss you, sometimes, I listen to music or look at pictures of you, not to remind me of you but to make me feel as if I’m with you. It makes me forget the distance and capture you. ~ LeBron James
Every night, after I get my parents to bed and I close up everything downstairs, Indie follows me upstairs. She is a creature of habit! She knows my every move and my nighttime routine. Once my day is finished caregiving, Indie knows that it is then her turn. She wants attention and to be close to me. This is a new one for me, because when I was married, Indie was NOT bonded with me. She got along with me, but she wasn't my cat. One year into my divorce, Indie has learned she has me and only me! She has become my night time companion, and we watch TV together. Indie knows every Hallmark movie by now!
When I woke up this morning, this photo collage was in my inbox. A memory from another December 29.....when I was married and we were on a cruise with my parents. We went on so many adventures together and when I see these photos now, it is like looking at someone else's life. I almost feel like I have lived several different lives, and with each trauma and loss, the person I was died, and then the shell of Vicki continues on, perhaps rebuilds, but stability for me never lasts long.
My dad went to his memory care center today. It is the only day this week he could go because of the New Year holiday approaching. This gave me the opportunity to put our outdoor Christmas lights away, pick up my dad's scripts at the pharmacy, work on Foundation items, laundry, and take my mom out for tea. Of course I am not allowed one minute of peace, because while out my neighbor contacted me because he was concerned that his alarm was going off and wanted me to go over and check the house. I literally got on my coat, left me mom, and drove home and did a parameter check! If it is possible to be on constant alert, then I am! I remember this feeling when Mattie had cancer, making it very hard to focus, concentrate, and sleep.
Later in the day, I came home and had to pick up branches that were all over the place from intense winds and of course go through the mail! One of my least favorite activities because what never disappoints are bills and other surprises. Today's surprise was that I found out that my health insurance premiums are going up in January! Now this maybe common sense to you, but remember these are NOT things I dealt with when married. So my learning curve is significant and I have had to become good at asking questions and turning to professionals for help. I am so worn out physically and emotionally from the last two years of dealing with my separation and divorce and four years of non-stop caregiving. Each day... my hope is it will get easier, that I will see some sort of glimmer of hope, that I will see life is worth living..... I keep waiting!
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