Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That was Mattie's third trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. By that point, Mattie was acclimated to the ocean and sand and like me.... he loved to beach comb. We both loved finding little treasures in the sand. I truly thought we would have many more trips to the beach together, but for some reason that we our last vacation in the Outer Banks for the three of us.
Quote of the day: You know more about someone at the end of relationship than during the relationship. ~ Amit Kalantri
My dad had a physical therapy session today. Though it is hard to get up early and get everything together before the therapist arrives, I find that these sessions do help to give me some structure to my Saturdays. I still find weekends very hard! Most people look forward to weekends, I absolutely hate them. This started after Mattie died! When Mattie was alive, our weekends were filled with outdoor activities, playdates, parties, and school events. Once he died, it was disorienting. We had no school events, most friends shied away from us (because we represented their worst nightmare), and we were like rudderless ships on a turbulent ocean. Yet we found a way to navigate these unchartered waters. In fact, I would say that what we had to endure, childhood cancer and child loss, only brought us closer together. As we were the only two deeply living this journey and understanding the profound impact Mattie's death has been having on our lives. Now I face this forever journey alone.
When you are married, you just assume that this person will always be with you. One of the profoundly disturbing realities of divorce is that 50% of your institutional memory walks right out the door. Many things in my life and in our life together, I remember well, but some details can be blurry and this where I would normally turn to my other half and say..... what was such and such? or do you remember when....? Case in point, for two days now, I have been racking my brain trying to remember the name of a woman I used to know. Mind you I can't remember in what context I knew this woman! So why am I focused on this woman at all? Well the other day, while exercising, a St. Jude's commercial came on TV. I will spare you my diatribe on St. Jude. Moving forward, there was a mom holding a child with cancer in the commercial, and her face reminded me of someone I knew.
So for two days now, I have been trying to think about this person. My brain is literally flipping through the pages of my memories, trying to link the face to a context and name. But I have yet to figure it out and naturally something so innocent has caused an emotional cascade..... of two things.... first, I don't have the other half of my institutional knowledge to talk with and to figure out the answer to this mystery woman, and then second, I naturally think when I have these moments...... am I getting dementia?
I live with two parents, both of whom have various stages of dementia. Therefore, I can't help but worry about my own future. However, unlike my parents, I won't have a spouse or a child for emotional support and guidance. I face sobering realities everyday, even while exercising and watching a commercial.
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