Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. Mattie was home between hospital treatments and that afternoon we worked on building a volcano from a kit. Mattie loved these kinds of hands-on activities. I honestly never did this kind of stuff as a kid, so in many ways, it was like having a second childhood with Mattie. Mattie had a level of energy that was contagious, even while battling cancer. There isn't a day that goes by that I do not miss that smile, laughter, and his love for learning and life.
Quote of the day: The best way to handle a heartbreak of any kind was to move through it, rather than around it. ~ Belle Burden
So when I picked up this book, I went into it with skepticism. But Belle captured me in her first chapter. Yes our stories are quite different, and honestly if you are a blog reader, then you know that my life is filled with constant grief and trauma (not just a divorce), but I found that there were aspects of what Belle was writing about that resonated greatly with me.
I rarely get time to read a book with full-time caregiving, so I decided that when I take my mom out for tea, while she is peeking away at her cell phone, I read this book. While reading today's chapter, Belle was talking about heartbreak and how she "moved" through it rather than around it. I couldn't agree more with what she is saying. I learned this early on with Mattie's diagnosis, death, my grief journey and now my painful divorce. The only way to manage such intense pain, loss, and trauma is to move! Belle talks about her walking routine, going to the grocery store on a certain day of the week, and even drinking tea and doing a puzzle at the same table and chair each night. The point is ROUTINE, STRUCTURE, and if I were to add my own word... DIVERSIONS. There is NO WAY you can survive great heartbreak without diversions and structure. Your brain and body must have breaks from the flooding of emotions, feelings, and turmoil.
When Mattie died, I developed panic attacks for the first time in my life. At first I had no idea what they were, as I thought I was having a heart attack. After several cardiology visits and testing, we ruled out a heart issue. I then deduced I had panic attacks and instead of turning outwards for help (not my style), I turned inward. I was compelled to find a way to manage this anxiety and what I did was I developed a walking routine. I would walk ten miles a day, while walking I was talking internally to myself..... nothing is wrong with your heart, the symptoms will go away, take a deep breath, and keep walking. All I can say is after two months of walking, the panic attacks subsided. Do I still get them? Yes, they began again in 2023, with my separation. But this time I knew what they were and now I do not have the luxury to walk, so fortunately I have the mental fortitude to manage my own internal dialogue to calm myself down.
Though I haven't finished Belle's book, I find one thing is for certain, which she describes so well, and that is..... when you love someone deeply and that person leaves, it produces a whole host of personal devastation. It impacts how you feel about yourself, it makes you question whether anything you had was ever real, and it makes you feel like your life is over. Not that I needed to read this book to know this reality, but what caught my attention and what I do appreciate is....here is a bright, well educated lawyer, who faced this emotional nightmare..... she did not see it coming either, and this most definitely was something I needed to hear! I AM NOT ALONE!
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