Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2006. Mattie was almost four years old. That afternoon, we were working on creating homemade Valentine's cards for all of his preschool classmates and teachers. Could I have bought Valentine's..... sure! But since Mattie loved to create, like me, I decided that we should try to make them together. Mattie got into it and we enjoyed the process together. Did I ever do this before? NOPE! There were many firsts I did with Mattie. In a way it was like having a second childhood, filled with fun, adventures, and certainly there were challenges, but there was a whole lot of love.
Quote of the day: Love is not maximum emotion. Love is maximum commitment. ~ Sinclair Ferguson
I am on day four of antibiotics. I was doing quite well, but today, I don't feel right. I am back to being congested and exhausted. Of course, I had to put that feeling on the shelf, because my dad had a cardiology appointment at 11am. That time may sound like a doable hour, but I can't tell you all that I have to do to get out of the house by 10:30am, to get this 11am appointment. Seriously by that time, I felt like I went ten rounds.
I am so fortunate that the cardiology office wants to actively follow my dad. In fact, on Saturday, I pushed them data from my dad's pacemaker, because we were concerned by his elevated heart rate. While he was participating in his physical therapy session on Saturday, he was gasping for air, breathing very hard, and we literally stopped the session and then monitored him for thirty minutes. His heart rate spanned 61 beats per minute to 134 beats per minute in a short time period! The therapist was very concerned by what she was seeing and it was at that point that I used the pacemaker app on my phone and pushed data in real time to the clinic!
Today's visit reviewed that data, my dad got an EKG, and we discussed various issues he is facing. I saw this nurse six weeks ago. From the last time she saw us, my dad was hospitalized again. This time for norovirus. In six weeks, my dad has lost 9 pounds and the nurse believes between being dehydrated from the norovirus and being inactive in the hospital, this could explain his high heart rate with any activity. She changed up his medications and will be seeing us in two weeks.
While sitting and talking to Lanna, the nurse, I could feel myself fighting back tears. Not for any particular reason other than sheer exhaustion, being overwhelmed, managing the impossible alone, and knowing that I face a future alone, without my other half. Something I will never accept and come to terms with. Lanna has no idea about the tragedy that is my life, she is only aware of the patient in front of her whom I care for and manage. However, for her, that is more than enough.... as she is very aware of the multiple hospitalizations and the round of clock care I provide my dad, NOT to mention my mom as well.
Honestly other than this appointment, and taking my parents out today for frozen yogurt, I couldn't manage much else. I am tired, strung out, and when I allow the window to open (which I rarely allow) into the bleak trajectory of my future, I become paralyzed with emotion. Which is where I am at today.
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