Wednesday, June 24, 2026

Wednesday, June 24, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. I remember this moment in time like it were yesterday. It was Mattie's end of the year kindergarten party. It was held at a local park, and I volunteered that day to help the teachers and to run games. I was lucky enough to snap this photo of Mattie with his two best kindergarten buddies.... Charlotte and Campbell. Charlotte was convinced that all three of them were going to go to college together. Such a lovely thought, and at that moment in time, I had NO IDEA that this was going to be our first and last "end of school party."

Quote of the day: You asked why I couldn't forgive you," Nick said, very quietly, and I jumped a little. "It was because you were the love of my life, Harper. And you didn't want to be. That's hard to let go.” ~ Kristan Higgins

If you ask me what I am doing each day of the week, you will find that it is pretty consistent. I do the same thing on Mondays, the same thing on Tuesdays..... well you get the picture. I have shut out the world, because I do not feel like the world understands me. This is not an unusual reaction to anyone who has been traumatized and is traumatized. The only way we can survive is routine, consistency, and retreating to protect one's self. I have three strikes against me..... I lost a child to cancer, I am unexpectedly divorced after a long term marriage, and I am the full time caregiver of my parents. Any one of these things makes me stick out, all three of these is like the horrific trifecta. 

But today, my friend in childhood cancer, Ilona, asked to meet for lunch. So my mom and I met Ilona for lunch. We had good conversation, shared updates, and had tasty treats. Look at this counter of pastries!!!!! 

It was nice to do something outside of the routine, but that said, I just feel so different. My friends are retiring and they are looking forward to their next chapter. For me, I have no one to spend my next chapter with, my other half is gone, the person who I thought was always going to be there for me and the person who held Mattie memories with me. So to me, I see no future whatsoever. 

Last night, we watched another episode of When Calls the Heart. Brooke Shields is in this series and plays the role of a bereaved mother, as her son (a Mountie) died in a training activity. In this particular scene, she was talking to her daughter-in-law. Brooke Shields' character received a drawing from her grandson (you can see it by her hands). The drawing shows her ALONE on an deserted island. Her grandson views her as a strong person, who doesn't need anyone. Of course this is the perspective of a young child who doesn't quite understand profound loss and bereavement. But Brooke Shields' character last night could have been talking about me! I truly was glued to her every word as she was talking to her daughter-in-law, because she described the ramifications of child loss..... you become an island. An island both self imposed and imposed on you by others.