Friday, November 6, 2015

Friday, November 6, 2015

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2005. Mattie was three years old, however, I can honestly say I do not remember taking this photo. Nor do I remember where we were when I took it! This is one of several photos I found this week in our Shutterfly on line account. It is a lovely photo, so I am very happy to have it back in my files. Every weekend we took Mattie on some sort nature activity. He loved that kind of exploration and adventure, and because he loved it, I grew to love it too. 


Quote of the day: A single act of kindness is like a drop of oil on a patch of dry skin—seeping, spreading, and affecting more than the original need. ~  Richelle E. Goodrich


Goodrich's quote seems SO APPLICABLE to our candy drive. One person at a school or business may feel compelled to collect candy for us, and yet the energy of that one person spreads like a virus. I mean that in a good way. The energy is contagious and somehow the art of collecting candy becomes a team effort. 

We received this photo of Cate and Regan with over 230 pounds of candy. Candy they collected at Lyles-Crouch Traditional Academy, in Alexandria, VA. This is the second year in a row Lyles-Crouch has participated in our candy drive, and Cate is a loyal candy sorter of ours. The number of Mattie Miracle workers on this candy drive is growing leaps and bounds this year. 

Meanwhile in Washington, DC, I went to pick up the candy collection at the River School. This is the second year in a row that the River School is supporting us. I want to thank Deana O'Hara for coordinating this collection. This year the school donated 200 pounds of candy to us. So in essence today alone we collected more than 400 pounds of candy!

These orange bins are at my friend Ann's house. She is the designated drop off location for people to give us their candy. Candy which needs to be sorted. As you can see the bins are full and we have a lot of candy to process in order to free up these bins for more deliveries. 

I think this will be a record year for candy collecting for Mattie Miracle! I am thankful that several of my friends are helping with the collections because right now all of our homes are filled with candy. But it helps to have it dispersed rather than all stored in our home. Of course at some point a majority will land up with me, but initially it is wonderful not to be inundated with candy. Candy in bulk takes up space and also it can be a very sickening smell! 

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2005. Mattie loved to jump on our bed and make himself comfortable. As you can clearly see here! I will never forget Mattie on the weekends. If he got up before us, he would run into our room, and make a b-line for my side of the bed. I can still see that little face staring up at me. 


Quote of the day: If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody. ~ Chinese Proverb


This morning Peter and I went to MedStar Georgetown University Hospital to meet the head of the Breast Care Center. I suppose the majority of times one gets a referral from their doctor to see a specialist. In my case regarding this issue, I hand picked this doctor based on her credentials and what I read about her. Then when I talked to her staff prior to the appointment, they all assured me I would like the doctor. That she is very patient centered! All I know is I need to see it for myself, but getting the staff's reaction to the doctor to me is key. 

When I entered the breast center, I was less than impressed with the office staff behind the desk. However, as soon as I headed into the back of the office, I then met the actual medical staff. All I can say is wow! These were all competent, patient, and compassionate women. They were like a well orchestrated machine, and they capitalize on teamwork. When Peter and I met the doctor, she was extremely personable but confused by the pathology report from Virginia Hospital Center. Confused enough to contact Georgetown's pathology department to seek clarification. I am happy she did this because now that I have the accurate and correct terminology for the diagnosis, I am able to find many more articles and information about it! 

Regardless of the name, this is still a precancerous mass that has to come out. I am aware of the fact that some woman opt to leave such a mass inside of them and then follow it with scanning. But because the cells are atypical and 30% of woman with such a mass have been known to contract breast cancer years down the road, I don't want this inside of me. The doctor and I were on the same page and she also agrees with me that my other side needs to be given an ultrasound since this typically can show up in both breasts simultaneously. So I am going back to Virginia Hospital Center on Monday for the next scan. 

All I know is it would be better if this wasn't a precancerous mass, but overall, I am happy I have a plan, a competent surgeon, and then psychosocial support professionals at Georgetown to sit with Peter and come behind the scenes with me on the day of the surgery. Peter and I have the support of Linda (Mattie's child life specialist) and Debbi (Mattie sedation nurse) on November 18th, and I am absolutely thrilled. These women both work in pediatrics, but as I have always said.... if I get sick in any way, I want them by my side. I have already shared with Debbi my fears about sedation and she is very familiar with how Mattie reacted to sedation. So if I can't advocate for myself, I know she will!

This wonderful photo was sent to me by a mother and daughter team.... Michele and Kate. Kate is a student at Saint Mary's Catholic School in Alexandria, VA. Kate and her mom came to a sorting party we held last year and enjoyed it so much that Kate decided to organize a candy collection at her school and also sort it with friends! Amazing no? 

When they sent me this photo today, it said: "St. Mary's and the George Mason Elementary School LOVE Mattie Miracle!" I admire Kate's energy and commitment to our candy drive and I am thrilled she is spreading the message about Mattie Miracle to her friends and school community! She is an outstanding Mattie Miracle worker! 

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2005. This was classic Mattie. Moving, doing, and building! He could do all simultaneously! He was the ultimate multi-tasker. Mattie loved to build big lego structures on wheels. So this large colorful block actually moved and Mattie was trying to serve as a tunnel, so that this big thing could drive underneath him with my help! Mattie always thought outside the box and he kept me on my toes everyday. There was nothing boring about Mattie, and he had a way of signing you up for his fun and antics!


Quote of the day: At times, we are the bridge that allows another to re-enter the world after a loss. Don't mistake it for more or its beauty may be lost. ~  Danielle Pierre

I came across this quote today, and though I wasn't purposefully looking for the content it is expressing, I felt it was important to talk about it nonetheless.  I feel Danielle is expressing herself based on her own personal experiences with loss. Though it sounds as if she was writing the quote from the perspective of a friend supporting a grieving friend. Whether she is the griever or the supporter of the griever, the quote is meaningful and spot on. Personally I believe she is writing the quote based on her experiences of having lost a "bridge" in her life after the death of a loved one. I say this because her quote seems like it is desperate to find and attach meaning to a friendship that once existed but doesn't anymore. One can't possibly accept that a friend would abandon them through the grieving process, so instead, she has found a way to find the beauty through the pain. 

Sometimes the friendships we make in grief seem so profound, so intense, and transformative. Almost like no other friendship we had before. After losing someone so profoundly important, we tend to muddle through grief and the world initially by clinging onto those who throw us a life line. Perhaps people who went through the loss with us, supported us during it, and understand the nature of the bond that was severed by death. These people who help us through the most raw aspects of grief are our bridge! These bridges seem like they will always be a part of our lives, that the bond you share transcends time and other relationships, and that you will always have this person to turn to moving forward. But Danielle aptly describes this support and what can happen to it over time. Sometimes these friends, like any bridge disintegrates. 

Yet facing the fact that friendships you thought were so profound, so meaningful, and so important to you are only temporary can be hard to stomach. It is hard because when these bridges fall apart, the griever is left with two problems. The original grief from the death of a loved one and now compounded grief over the loss of a friendship. Perhaps as you read what I am writing you have absolutely NO IDEA what I am talking about and can't relate. Fortunately or unfortunately as the case maybe, I have had the opportunity to talk to many grieving parents through the years, who get exactly what I am talking about. In fact, if I used the terminology of a bridge, I bet they would get it right away. They would get it because so many of us who lost children also lost our friends and personal networks. This is not a Vicki problem, it is a situation problem. Not that this makes me any happier knowing that I am not alone. It doesn't. 

Today, ONE DAY LATER, I got a call from the radiologist who performed my biopsy on Friday. She called to share the results with me. I did not hear the phone ring, so she left a message. When I returned her message, I got the general breast center's answering service. Personally I just laughed! I laughed out of disgust, not happiness or funniness. Imagine if I did not know the results yet and I was waiting for this individual. Desperate to get a hold of her, only to land up in a voice mail, not knowing when I would get a call back!? What a commentary about our health care system! 

This morning I received a photo of this wonderful letter below that was sent to me by my friend Heidi. Heidi does a collection of candy for the Foundation's annual drive in her neighborhood. One of her neighbor's left this message for Mattie Miracle and Heidi passed it along to me. I found this letter deeply touching and I feel we need more Annabelle's in our world. Annabelle is in 5th grade and after hearing about our candy drive decided to donate all of her Halloween candy (10 pounds) to us. She feels we need it more than she does. The letter is priceless and written in ORANGE, Mattie Miracle's color. Annabelle is a true Mattie Miracle Worker. 

The letter says:

Dear Mattie Miracle, My name is Annabelle. I'm in 5th grade. I go to the French Lycee (lee-say). My parents told me a few nights ago that I should give some candy away, but I reached down into my heart and decided to give it all away. There is 10lbs of candy! You deserve it more than me. 
Signed, 
AC

As you can see the candy comes in by the BAGS full! Starting tomorrow, several of our devoted volunteers will be gathering at homes and having sorting parties to start processing the volume that is coming in! The sorting parties are important because they help to hand inspect the candy as well as sort the candy by type so they don't start tasting like one another when stored in the same Ziploc bag. You would think that the sorting parties would be labor intensive and tedious, but on the contrary they are lively, people love chatting, sorting, and bonding over a great cause. 

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Tuesday, November 3, 2015 -- Mattie died 320 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2005. I have just found all these wonderful Fall photos from 2005, by going to our Shutterfly account. I am SO THRILLED to have access to these photos which I thought I lost. This photo is priceless. We took Mattie to the National Geographic Museum in DC, and he posed alongside this primate! Got to love that smile!


Quote of the day: There is good news tonight. ~ Gabriel Heatter


Getting sleep has been next to impossible since I realized I had some sort of mass inside of me since Friday! Waiting for the results today was challenging. But fortunately I had a lot of experience with this, when Mattie was sick. So in essence I almost feel like I have developed the skills to manage this waiting and anxiety. Yet I was on the edge and wouldn't leave our home today, because I knew I would be getting a call from the doctor. My doctor's office called me this morning to update me that the pathology report hadn't come in yet. But that they would be continuing to check! So I felt good that they were on it, so I did not have to be monitoring them! 

However, around 3pm, the phone rang and it was my doctor's office. They let me know that I have a precancerous mass and it has to come out. Honestly I sensed as of Friday that whatever was in me had to COME OUT! Mainly because I never felt such intense internal pain. It did not feel right, and when it was impacting my ability to raise my arm, that was a red flag. In fact, after my biopsy on Friday, I emailed Linda (Mattie's child life specialist at Georgetown) and told her I would need her help in getting an appointment with a breast surgeon. So as of today, thanks to Linda, I got to talk to the assistant of the head of breast surgery at Georgetown, who helped me book an appointment for Thursday at 9am. I had that appointment before the pathology report! Usually it goes the other way around, which is what I am saying..... I did not need that report to know that this wasn't normal. 

In the midst of waiting and getting these results, I received candy updates and photos. Our friend Gabby is organizing a candy drive at her Club in Maryland. Gabby is the daughter of one of Mattie's sedation nurses, Norma. Norma and Gabby have attended EVERY Mattie Miracle walk! In fact, when I would have rough moments at the hospital, Gabby would bake things for me and send them in with her mom! Get the picture about these special ladies?!

In addition, one of our friends sent us this link today to the Politico! The Mattie Miracle Candy Drive is mentioned in it! The word is getting out and our mission of candy for a childhood cancer psychosocial cause is catching on!

http://www.politico.com/tipsheets/politico-influence/2015/11/influencers-bundle-for-clinton-bush-aba-hires-cio-group-asks-for-probe-of-adelson-contributions-211070

Monday, November 2, 2015

Monday, November 2, 2015


Tonight's two pictures were taken in October of 2005. Mattie was three years old and doing something he absolutely LOVED. Which was painting with his feet. I would set up a whole painting station in our living room. Do not ask me how we did not get paint everywhere. But 

somehow we didn't. Mattie was very careful and neat by nature, which was why we were two peas in a pod. Yet he did like getting messy and doing very messy activities, but appreciated that the mess shouldn't travel to furniture and walls. When Peter saw this photo tonight, his immediate response was.... look at Mattie checking out his feet and evaluating the finished product!


Quote of the day: There could have been no two hearts so open, no tastes so similar, no feelings so in unison. ~ Jane Austen


When I saw Jane Austen's quote tonight, I immediately thought of Mattie. Though I am quite sure when she wrote it, she did not have a mother and child in mind. Yet for Mattie and I, we just understood each other and communicated and felt in similar ways. We were both bold, appreciated the ability for free expression, and we were honest about our feelings and thoughts with ourselves and with other people. It is hard to be without this special connection in my life. 

This morning I got a call from the hospital following up with me on the incision from the biopsy I had on Friday. While talking with the technician, I asked her when my results would come in. They mentioned on Friday that they could be available today. However, that wasn't accurate. It takes three BUSINESS DAYS to culture the tissue, and of course Saturday and Sunday don't count. My joke is don't get sick on a Friday, because you are placed on hold until Monday! It is the state of our healthcare system. Avoid Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays! The rest of the days.... go right ahead and have a problem. The unfortunate part is our bodies do not follow the needs of the healthcare system! 

I had the opportunity to meet the lady in this photo today. This is Stella and she is my friend Heidi's sister. Stella lives in California and is visiting her sister for a few days. Stella has taken a liking to candy sorting and is sorting up a storm! 

To me this expression is priceless! Stella thought she finished sorting all the candy that came into Heidi's bin today, however, when she went back outside, she found the bin was filled up again! It speaks to the generosity of candy donors in Heidi's neighborhood. Heidi posts a message about our candy drive every year in her neighborhood listserv, and within one week, she has hundreds of pounds of candy! It is remarkable. 

While the above bin is at Heidi's house, this orange one is at my friend Ann's house. There are literally bins on peoples' front porches all over town! That is how vast this collection is becoming! We have Maryland, Virginia, and DC covered! 

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Tonight's two pictures were taken in October of 2005, around the time of Halloween. Before Mattie was admitted to the hospital for sepsis from an ear infection. Mattie never went trick of treating that year because he was admitted to Virginia Hospital Center. Yet he and I worked hard on designing this wonderful calico costume. Even down to the fuzzy ears and M name tag! 

It has been bothering me that I had no photos of Mattie from October 2005, so I went back to our on-line photo account with Shutterfly and found them. Who knows where they are on my computer. I lost them. But thanks to Shutterfly, I am downloading photos I haven't seen in years. In October, my students at the George Washington University used to host a Halloween party for children all over the DC area. They always invited Mattie. I am happy to see that Mattie did go to that party before he got sick. This photo shows us walking to the University party.


Quote of the day: Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful...~ José N. Harris


Waiting for results to me is very nerve wracking. It is hard to not play out scenarios in one's head, and the what ifs can truly provoke anxiety. The radiologist promised me she would call me tomorrow. But I am NOT a phone person on a good day, much less on a day where I could be receiving results. All I know is I can only take it one step at a time, and deal with it as information is presented to me. Because we needed a diversion today, we went to the movies. That may not sound earth shattering to the average reader, but for me this must mean I am in crisis. I never go to the movies, and Peter and I reflected the last time we were in a theatre together, had to be 7 years ago. Needless to say, the movie we saw, Our Brand is Crisis, was horrible, and it further reminds me why I don't go to the movies anymore. 

This is the second time in my life in which I have had a cancer scare. In February 2012, I had my first scare with numerous masses in my pelvis being identified. After having a CT of the pelvis, a radiologist said that the masses were indicative of adenoma malignum. A very aggressive cancer. Again, my world stopped and I lived with this nightmare for two years. The masses are located in a position that they can't be biopsied. So instead, they were followed month to month and then every couple of months for years. Until finally they were deemed cysts. With each scan, I was living on the edge, and I didn't need much help since I was already over the edge losing Mattie. Now apparently losing my only child and dealing with the pelvis cancer scare isn't enough. I need a second one! 

The highlight of my day was receiving two candy drive collection photos. This photo was sent to me by my college roommate, Leslie. She coordinates the candy drive in Maryland and has done this for years. Apparently the candy you see here was collected in the first 15 minutes of Leslie's drive today!

This photo was taken in my friend, Heidi's home. Heidi has been instrumental in our candy drive for years. She announces our drive on her community listserv, and collects and SORTS hundreds of pounds a candy for us each year. She even recruited her sister Stella (pictured here) to sort candy today! A real family mission!

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Tonight's picture was taken on Halloween of 2008. This was our last Halloween with Mattie. I will never forget this costume. Mattie was tentative about celebrating Halloween and even wearing a costume. He had just had his first limb salvaging surgery two weeks before and his right arm was still bandaged. Mattie was in pain and moved gingerly with his arm. However, Mattie's child life specialist and art therapists had a solution. They invited Mattie to come into clinic and pick a costume a day before the other children. The reason this was crucial was because Mattie had trouble moving around in crowds with his arm. He was frightened that someone would bang up against his arm and he was also self conscious about looking different and not finding a costume that would work for him. So exploring the costumes in a room without other children was an excellent plan. Mattie gravitated to the mummy costume as soon as he saw it, because in this costume you really couldn't tell that his right arm wasn't usable. It just seemed wrapped up as part of the costume. This photo was taken in the hospital elevator, while Mattie was trick or treating around the hospital! 


Quote of the day: Hold on, man. We don't go anywhere with "scary," "spooky," "haunted," or "forbidden" in the title. ~ From Scooby-Doo


For as long as we have lived in our complex in DC, no one has trick or treated! There are children who live here, but I am sure they go to the homes of friends instead. I know that is what we used to do with Mattie. We wanted Mattie to have the suburban experience of what it was like to walk around in a neighborhood on sidewalks and get candy with friends. I know Mattie did enjoy that, but now that Mattie is gone, Halloween seems to also have disappeared for us. Friends no longer invite us over and I imagine the reasoning is that seeing other children trick or treating will make us upset. Perhaps! I think it is hard to exist in a world in which you once had a child and then by no fault of your own, become childless. People don't know how to interact with you and what happens is you land up in isolation. If on the rare occasion you are included, you can sense that your presence makes others uncomfortable or people don't necessarily care for your reactions to things. Which of course leads to further isolation. I wish I could say this is just a Vicki/Peter issue. But it isn't. 

After my biopsy yesterday, I had a tough night of sleep and continue to be in pain. Every movement seems to hurt. I could have easily just sat on the couch all day. But I figured that wasn't going to solve anything. So with the sun shining, I decided we should go to Huntley Meadows (one of the nature preserves that I really love) and walk. It is typically tranquil and you can always see a piece of beauty on the boardwalk. 

As soon as we entered the boardwalk, we saw a flock of Canadian Geese. I happen to love these geese, and they are actually the only positive to our winters! 

To me this photo is hysterical! It shows Turtles trying to be ballerinas! I never saw turtles extending their legs like this toward the sun!

The seeds of the cattails have exploded and this fluff was floating all over the place. It looks like cotton. I remember having several intact cat tails in my apartment in Boston. I placed them on display in a vase! What a mistake! I did not know that when they dry up, they explode. I literally was picking up this fluff everywhere. It was like a down comforter had exploded all over the apartment. I learned my lesson about cat tails the hard way. 

The beauty of the boardwalk.

No trip is ever complete without a Great Blue Heron sighting!

The tranquility of Huntley Meadows. 

A Mattie remembrance came to greet us! 

If there is any doubt.... we are very much into the Fall season. This golden color was so vibrant on this Chinese Maple, that I thought it deserved to be captured!

Friday, October 30, 2015

Friday, October 30, 2015

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie was five years old and had just started kindergarten. That year, Mattie knew exactly what he wanted to be..... an Air Force pilot. When we went costume shopping together, the only pilot costume I could find was actually a navy pilot one. But thanks to my friend, Charlie, who was a lieutenant colonel in the Air Force, I was able to get some wonderful Air Force patches to sew onto Mattie's costume. Mattie loved having these unique patches and he truly enjoyed the whole Halloween experience that year. His school had a wonderful Halloween parade, and I recall thinking that year that Mattie would have many more Halloween parades to come.  


Quote of the day: Fear doesn't shut you down; it wakes you up. ~ Veronica Roth


Where do I begin regarding today!? It is a long story which includes YET ANOTHER hospital experience under my belt. On Wednesday of this week, I decided to make an appointment with my internist/family practitioner because I have been experiencing breast pain for a week. When the pain started, I figured it was muscular or hormone related. However, as time kept marching on and the pain wasn't getting better, a red flag went off that I needed to be proactive. 

This morning, I had a 9:30am appointment in my doctor's office. But the office was an absolute ZOO! I never saw it this way.... with patients standing everywhere because there weren't enough seats. I literally waited 40 minutes to be called back, and another 30 minutes in the office until I was finally seen. Thankfully the office took my concerns seriously, especially when I told them that Mattie died from osteosarcoma, and a fellow osteo mom told me that there is a correlation between sons getting osteo and their moms developing breast cancer. My doctor can't find any data to substantiate that claim, but no one is taking any chances. So I had NO FIGHTING to do in my doctor's office. The only thing I did ask, is that on the script for my mammogram and sonogram... that it be marked STAT. Meaning that the radiology department needed to do it today. I am SO HAPPY I had that put in writing, otherwise, I am sure I would have been sent home today without a testing time. 

With the scan script in hand, I walked over to the hospital radiology department. Thankfully in my case, my doctor's office is connected to Virginia Hospital Center. The radiology department ASSURED me there would be NO WAY I would get these procedures done today. In my mind I thought.... YOU WANT TO BET?! But they said I should wait for the scheduler to schedule the testing! So I waited, and I waited. Try over an hour! I have to admit, when I sense there is a medical problem, I now become hyperalert and also extremely anxious. Not to the point that I can't function! I will never look outwardly phased, but internally, the anxiety shows up with a fixation on getting testing done and results. From Mattie's experience I no longer go to any of my medical appointments (in which I have symptoms and pain) expecting the ordinary. On the contrary, I am always prepared for the worse news and always fear cancer. I am not sure how many other people live their lives like this, but I suspect those of us who lost a child to cancer, the percentage is HIGH! 

After an hour wait in the radiology department, I finally went back to the receptionist and said that either someone was going to process me, or I was taking my script back. She told me I was next to be processed, so I continued waiting. When I finally interacted with the scheduling person, she wanted me to get the mammogram and sonogram done on November 9th! With that I laughed and I said what would a person do if they were dying. Would you still make them wait until November 9th?! I also said that if she did not help me, I was going right to the ER. She responded back to me that my issue wasn't an emergency and that my doctor did not include on the script that the testing had to be done STAT. With that I jumped out of my chair and helped her read the script which clearly stated that the testing had to be done today! She couldn't refute that. Next thing I knew, she contacted the breast center manager and got me in! Of course that meant another 30 minutes of being proceeded through hospital paperwork in order to move along to the breast center. 

Once I got to the breast center, I had my first counter with a tech who did my imaging. The imagining went quickly and I took that as a good sign. She then took me back to the interior waiting room and she told me the radiologist would look at my scans and determine if anything else was needed. I honestly interpreted all of this as.... I was done, and she would tell me I was free to go home within minutes. That is NOT what happened. Instead another technician came to get me and asked me to proceed into a room for a sonogram, conducted by a radiologist. This radiologist showed me two cysts, which he knew were benign, and one questionable cyst. It was questionable because it wasn't round or oval, but instead an odd shape, it looked globular, it was cloudy inside and he did not like its borders. So he said I would need an aspiration and possibly a biopsy. I naturally wanted it done today, and they accommodated me. They told me to wait an hour and then come back to the breast center. By that point I was shaking like a leaf in fear and the hospital air conditioning made things much worse. 

After the hour wait, I went back to the breast center and was introduced to Kerry! A technician. I will never forget her, because she was very kind, patient, and compassionate. She stayed with me for two hours of testing and a biopsy. She explained everything that was happening to me, and the radiologist performing the biopsy seemed skilled. The radiologist did not want to do an aspiration, but wanted to move straight into a biopsy because she felt that the image was questionable. 

So after 7 hours of being in the hospital today, I have successfully completed two sets of mammograms, a sonogram, and a guided image biopsy. Within the guided image biopsy they inserted a titanium marker at the site. This marker will remain in me for future mammograms, so people can see that the site has been biopsied. Or if I need surgery, the marker will guide that process. Now comes waiting for results. Since the tissue needs to be cultured and analyzed. They tell me they may know something on Monday. All I know is it feels very reminiscent of July 2008, in which Mattie presented with pain, and after simple testing our world changed dramatically. 

But at this point I have NO CONFIDENCE AT ALL in mammograms. I do my 3-D mammogram religiously every year. My last one as in June. In June I had NOTHING showing up at all. Now four months later, I have two cysts and something questionable. It seems to me mammograms NEED TO GO, and women should be getting sonograms. Yet who am I? The breast cancer gurus promote breast health (self exams -- another thing that makes me laugh, because even today after an exam the doctor FELT NOTHING!) and mammogram screenings. I am case in point that mammograms do not catch everything. If I did not have pain for a week, I would never have known I had something within me that needed to be biopsied. 

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2006. There is a long story regarding this costume. Back in October of 2005, Mattie decided he wanted to be a calico cat (like our cat Patches) for Halloween. Since Mattie preferred sweat suit type material, I decided to make the cat costume myself. Mattie and I went to AC Moore and we picked out felt for the cat's spots, and then he and I glue gunned the spots onto the sweat suit. We even made a tail out of black tights and I transformed my headband into ears. Mattie was all set for Halloween 2005 to be a cat, until he became very ill. He spiked a high fever, was vomiting non-stop and was in pain. We took him to the Emergency Room and he was then admitted to the hospital for two days. He had an ear infection that went septic throughout his body. Mind you I took him to his pediatrician the day before our ER visit, and I told her I suspected that Mattie had an ear infection. She looked in his ears and in her patronizing tone, dismissed us, saying he was fine! She blew that one royally, and therefore from that moment on if I complained Mattie had an issue, I was taken seriously. Not given anymore of that first time mom dialogue which I found so UNHELPFUL! Needless to say, when Mattie was admitted to the hospital, it was during Halloween. Mattie never got to wear his costume or go trick or treating. Which was why in 2006, we brought out the costume we made the year before, and Mattie finally got to wear it!


Quote of the day: Seashells remind us that every passing life leaves something beautiful behind. ~ Unknown

My friend Carolyn, sent me this photo today. It is "Mattie Moon by morning." Carolyn's daughter went to preschool with Mattie, and after all these years we are still friends. Carolyn is the chair of our Foundation raffle, and has been helping me for years. Like me, when Carolyn sees the moon following her, she feels that is a good sign..... Mattie is watching over us. 













I went to my friend Janet's funeral today. I like funerals just as much as I like wakes. Yet I know they can be of great comfort to family and friends. I actually like going to church and hearing the music, what turns me off is how priests interpret the scriptures and life in general. If I did not have to hear their homilies, I most likely would go to church. Now I realize there are gifted priests out there, it does happen every now and then. The priest who baptized Mattie and also presided over his funeral is brilliant, compassionate, and very spiritual. I met Father Jim, when I was a graduate student at the George Washington University. For one of my first assignments in my graduate program, I had to find a person in the community to counsel and then write a case study about this person and the experience. The complicated part was I had to be able to do this under the supervision of a licensed professional. It dawned on me to approach the Catholic Newman Center on campus with my request to do a case study. That is when I met Jim. My joke with him always was.... you gave me my first client! But I liked Jim immediately and Peter and I are still connected with him. We need to clone him. 

During today's homily, I heard that line that drives me batty.... that my friend died because it was God's will. It was her time and we should take comfort in knowing she is with God. I am sure this brings peace to some people. I know hearing this helped me when my grandmother (who I was very close to) died. But if I apply this same homily to losing Mattie, it just doesn't work! There is no reason that Mattie should have died and it certainly wasn't his time. Someone who tells me it is, just doesn't get it! Fortunately Father Jim did not spout off any of these platitudes because I probably would have leaped out of the pew. Yet was it really Janet's time to die? She is leaving behind a husband and 12 year old child! I don't know, and I will leave it at that. 

After the mass today, I jumped into my car to pick up the catered food trays for the family for their luncheon reception at their home. I really tried to get the food as quickly as possible, in order to set it up before people arrived at their home. However, what I wasn't counting on was having dialogues with people at the store where I was picking up the trays. Both people worked for the store. One woman, seemed besides herself. She was working, but was running a fever and was feeling miserable. She started talking to me about the grey weather yesterday and how this depresses her. One thing led to another and she followed me throughout the store. She then asked what my profession was, when I told her, she asked if I would be her therapist. Cute no? I told her I wasn't actively practicing. With that she asked if I would come to the store again because she looks forward to seeing me, because she considers me an angel. I suppose an angel because I listened to her and gave her the time of day. That is another problem in our world, no one has time for anyone or anything. 

When I finished talking to this woman, another store employee got a hold of me and he started talking to me. I honestly wasn't sure I was ever going to get out of the store this afternoon! But it all worked out well. This fellow said that he couldn't pass up the opportunity to talk to a beautiful lady! I told him flattery always works with me!

I met my friend Janet in 2006, when Mattie was in preschool. Her daughter and Mattie were in the same classroom. Janet supported the Foundation and came to all of our Walks. She was part of the Resurrection Children's Center walk team this year! A team which raised the most money for Mattie Miracle. Janet is pictured on the right, wearing a light blue shirt. 

I had the opportunity to see Janet's tribute video today. It is very touching and you can see once again how cancer has destroyed another family:

http://www.everlywheatley.com/obituaries/Janet-Marie-Popowitz-5702532948/#!/PhotosVideos/00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000001/TributeVideo

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie was two and a half years old and by that age, he got what Halloween was about. Though he still did not like the idea of a big, itchy, or uncomfortable costume, he agreed to another sweat suit type costume. Mattie and I both liked Winnie the Pooh, so as soon as he saw this costume, it resonated with him. The funny part about Mattie, was he liked the trick or treating activity, but could care less about getting the candy! In fact, whatever candy he got he normally gave it to others! Mattie was never into sweets, which made him the ideal trick or treating companion for his friends later in life! 


Quote of the day: Nothing you love is lost. Not really. Things, people–they always go away sooner or later. You can’t hold them anymore than you can hold moonlight. But if they’ve touched you, if they’re inside you, then they’re still yours. The only things you ever really have are the ones you hold inside your heart. ~ Bruce Coville


This evening Peter and I are headed to our friend, Janet's wake. I am not sure the last time I have been to a wake. I did not have one for Mattie and I am not a big fan of the process. I remember my father in law saying a long time ago to me that flowers are for the living. This is a saying that I have heard him use throughout my married life. However, I guess with age, I now get the greater significance of the statement. With regard to a loved one, the time to connect and share gifts are when you are living. Which makes you realize you shouldn't wait for tomorrow or the next day, or next year to make amends, to strengthen one's bond, or wait to tell or give something of importance. 

My first experience attending a wake, was when I was a teenager. I went to my paternal grandmother's wake and funeral. All I know is it was a vision I will never forget and remains with me today, as I am sure many people who attend open casket wakes understand. I know this maybe tradition, it perhaps is a way to pay tribute to the person who died, and most likely it gives loved ones who remain behind a visual reality of the loss. Yet last visions you have of a loved one, are sometimes hard to come to peace with, and therefore harder to remember the happier times with one another. 

I know this was true when we lost Mattie. We had 14 horrific months of cancer filling our minds and hearts. It took a very long time to process Mattie's battle emotionally, in order to be able to remember the times when he was healthy. The good times did not just jump back in my mind. Which is why when I hear those suffering the loss of a loved one tell me that they have to quickly put the bad memories behind them and remember the good. I pause and usually respond...... are you doing this because you want to, or are you doing this because this is what you think others in your life want you to be doing? If it is the latter, then I would rethink this. It is true that grief is a party and conversation stopper and it is also true that after the first year, many of us who have experienced a traumatic loss lose friends. That is the only natural order that occurs in a very unnatural loss. Yet blocking out or pushing aside what one experienced without addressing those feelings and emotions is problematic. Because somehow when you least suspect them, feelings and reflections have a way of surfacing. Being able to learn how to accept these set backs and also adjust to the changes in others around us are two keys to coping with grief over the long term.