Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2007. Mattie was enrolled in swimming lessons. Mattie had a healthy respect for the water. He did not like putting his head under water and he especially did not like floating on his back. Margaret, his swimming instructor, was wonderful with Mattie. She was patient and understanding and never pushed him to do something he wasn't comfortable doing. One thing Mattie did like to do however, was kick and splash in the water.
Poem of the day: Guardian Angel by Mike Morand
Can you hear me?
Can you hear my cries?
Now that you're gone,
From all of our lives.
We can't see you,
But I can feel you're near,
I can hear your voice,
A whisper in my ear.
I know you're inside me,
In my heart and my soul,
But I keep on crying,
It's beyond my control.
Promise me you'll stay,
Close by my side,
Promise me you won't go,
And through life be my guide.
Watch me and protect me,
Help me good times and bad,
Share in my joy,
Or comfort me when I'm sad
Keep me from harm,
Stay with me forever,
Love and care for me,
And leave my side never.
Now that Peter is gone, I wake up each morning, and the first thing I do is try to connect with him. Fortunately he does have access to the Internet in his hotel room, though the connections sometimes are spotty. Peter told me today that several times a day the power goes out, which is why he always travels with a flashlight. Peter is working hard, but doing well, and he tells me he is most likely headed back to Rwanda in August. Peter begins his long journey home tomorrow, and will arrive in Virginia on Sunday, later in the afternoon.
I did several chores this morning, and eventually made my way to Ann's house later in the day. She took all the kids swimming, so I sat on her deck and continued to read Richard Evan's book, The Walk. It was quiet, serene, and the birds were singing in the background. You may recall from my posting last night, that I explained that this book is about a successful business man who loses everything in his life, his wife, his house, his cars, and his company. The story centers around how this man copes with such tragedies and learns to live again. Evans describes how the main character loses his wife in the hospital, and the deafening sound of the monitors, as she flat lined. Having heard this same sound with Mattie, it is a moment in time I will never forget. I can picture it so vividly, since I was holding Mattie in my arms as he died. Evans' writing is very emotionally laden and accurately captures the pain of losing someone in such a shocking manner. There are two quotes from the book that captured my attention today. The first one was, "My heart was buried with her. I would have been satisfied if the rest of me had been buried with her as well. As much as I have thought on this matter, I see no way around hurt. The only way to remove pain from death is to remove love from life." I understand this quote deeply. Love is a very strong emotion, and when you lose someone so important to you, allowing others in to love becomes unsettling. The pain from grief can be so awful, that some days it seems safer, easier, and comfortable to shut down and not to love. Because if you love that means you are opening yourself up for possible hurt and more loss.
The second quote is, "I believe that in spite of the chains we bind ourselves with, there's a primordial section of the human psyche that still yearns to roam free." Roaming free and be a part of nature seems so important to both this character and to myself, as we struggle to cope with a traumatic loss. I always liked flowers and plants before Mattie developed cancer, but now, being and working in a garden are therapeutic for me.
Ann's daughter, Katie, had a softball team party this evening. The girls were full of energy and really enjoyed each other's company. They clearly were a very cohesive team, and I had the opportunity to chat with both of Katie's coaches. However, in parties or other group settings, there are times were I simply need to remove myself. The fun, the noise, the energy are all overwhelming, and I need my space. So in those moments, I find another place to sit, which is what I did tonight. I migrated around Ann's house, and though Ann was monitoring the party closely, she also would check in with me, as we discussed the book and my impressions of it.
I am very tired this week while Peter has been gone. Our cat, Patches, hasn't given me a minute's peace at night. She wakes up each morning at 3am, and literally howls for an hour. Not having consistent and peaceful sleep is hard for me. I am not sure who will be happier that Peter is home again, me or Patches!
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie also included a link to a video in her message. The song she selected, God only cries, I found very powerful and meaningful. Charlie wrote, "I am glad you took the time to do something for yourself. Self care is so important, especially when you are grieving. Grieving takes a lot of energy and it is critical that you find ways to replenish your store of emotional energy. Quiet time, whether in a spa or connecting with nature is very healing even though it may bring tears. I've read Richard Evans' books and I know what you are talking about. We do all want to leave something behind, to know we are remembered. You have certainly done that for Mattie in your blog and in the foundation. I think if he sees you (and I believe he does) he is proud of what you have accomplished and the road you chose to walk. The blog is more than just Mattie's battle (or yours or Peter's). It is a map for finding one's way after the greatest tragedy a parent can experience, a testimony to hope and faith that moves past all the detours life and grief can put in one's path. As you navigate those detours with the help of your family and friends, know that you will always find a hand waiting to help you over the next hurdle. I hold you gently in my thoughts. I thought you might appreciate this link to the Diamond Rio Video, God only Cries."
http://new.music.yahoo.com/videos/Diamond+Rio/God+Only+Cries--31935435
The second message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "We are heading out early this morning to go to Ryan's kindergarten play. I tell you this, somewhat concerned, yet, believe that you are able to read it as my joy as well as it may be a reminder of your pain. I have much that I want to say regarding the last few days of blog. I want to read this book, The Walk. I never heard of Richard Evans and think that he will speak to me as well. I am fascinated by your comments regarding Peter's trip and am glad that he will be home for Sunday as that will be an important day for both of you to be in the same house on this planet. I loved the piece two days ago about your visit with Tanja and Mary. Laughter, as we discussed earlier, is such a healing tool. Children laugh on the average of 400 times a day, if allowed, and adults, an average of 15, if that. Isn't it sad that so many lose the ability to see the humor and lightness of life! You are an example of being able to appreciate a simple activity especially with children, although, your heart aches to hold Mattie and share a moment with him, on earth. I know that he is with you in spirit, yet, your message about his physical presence dimming, his light will never extinguish. I think Charlie and I need to meet one of these days. As I read her sentiments daily, so many of them echoed by me when I write and definitely when I read her message. I am wondering if she wrote poems before now as I have found my words translating to a new level from prose to poetry. I really appreciated her acknowledgment as an impartial audience tends to be valued as there is no payoff if they speak what they experience. I'm glad that you have had Ann for part of this week that Peter has been away and soon he will be home with you. Finally, I love that you found the serenity room at the spa. Your own little peace of heaven where you can feel, do, and be whatever you want with no distractions. We all need a bit of this!"
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