Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. I have posted this picture a couple of times before on the blog. I like this picture for so many reasons. The primary reason I like it is because it captures Mattie's beauty, strength, and also hope. At the time of the picture we thought Mattie was done with treatment and was headed toward rehabilitation and perhaps returning to school. What a pipe dream, now that I know the reality, but when fighting cancer your mindset changes, from future oriented, to a one day at a time philosophy. In this picture, Mattie is sitting in his wheelchair in front of the Lombardi Clinic art therapy statute. A statute comprised of clay art pieces that nurses and patients created with messages on them. Somehow this picture makes me smile, because to me there is a ray of sunshine that is captured. It captured a feeling between Mattie and I at that very moment, and it captured our faith in a process we hoped would work and get him better.
Poem of the day: Changes by Charlie Brown
How did you do it
In living and loving and leaving
You changed so much more than
Just those around you.
Butterfly sightings
Tent caterpillars and forget me nots
Legos in the window of the toy store,
All are reminders of you.
You are a piece of memory
An unforgettable part
Of the lives of those who were
Touched by you.
Even for us who knew you
Only at the distance
Or perhaps never in person
At all.
I am not sure why night time is a particularly tough time of day for me. I am thoroughly exhausted, I look tired, and yet I am unable to sleep. Peter came home last night, and was so tired from his business trip and from driving. He fell asleep, but he woke up later on in the night, because I was still up and he was concerned. For the first time yesterday I had a vivid picture in my head of times I would rub up against Mattie's cheeks. We would do that often with each other, and there is nothing like a child's skin. It is a pure soft, a soft untouched by time and the elements. I rarely allow myself the times to think about those tender moments, but I was able to yesterday, and this naturally made me sad. I could picture looking into Mattie's eyes as well last night. As I was driving home tonight, I looked into my driver's side mirror to merge onto a highway, and I also looked over my shoulder. As I did, I swear I saw someone in the back seat with me. In the place Mattie would sit. He always sat in his car seat right behind me, and it was an eerie feeling tonight as I was driving. It only lasted a split second, and it is most likely my mind playing tricks on me, but I know what I felt.
After a four hour delay at the airport today, my parents finally made it home in one piece. It was a long day for them. I dropped them off at the airport this morning, and then spent the rest of the day with Ann and her family. Ann's cousin, Helen, is visiting from Boston. So I got to see Helen, Ann's cousin, JP, and Mary (Ann's mom). While together, Ann's daughter, Katie introduced us to a computer program in which she can literally do fashion design. I found it fascinating watching Katie putting colors together and also watched her layout a page, as if creating a cover to a magazine. I did not really focus in on what Katie was doing at first, until she pulled me into the process, and as I was watching her create designs, I noticed that she has an eye for color, and for design. So she captured my attention this afternoon, and I enjoyed seeing her imagination unfold.
As always, I enjoyed my time with Mary, and was very touched to hear that one of her highlights to her day today was to see me. Mary and I understand each other, and I appreciate Mary's sensitivity and her assessments of certain situations and people. As Ann and her family are headed out of town tomorrow, Mary and I will be seeing a bit of each other next week in Ann's absence. After work, Peter came over to Ann's house and we all had dinner together. We had a lively time with each other, and in many ways today was an excellent distraction from my sadness and exhaustion. A break which is much needed.
I would like to share two messages with you tonight. The first message is from Mattie's oncologist and our friend, Kristen. Kristen wrote, "We are in Michigan now, visiting family. I had hoped to get a picture of the lighthouse at sunset to send to you...but it rained last night and we missed it tonight. Just a note to say I am thinking of you today (Wednesday) and every day."
The second message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am glad your parents are feeling better and that they had the chance to spend some time with you before heading back to California. I am glad that Peter is coming back today; while I know you manage fine alone, it is better to have company in the house (besides Patches). I love the story of the butterfly and Rocket; every time I see a butterfly now I wonder if this will be a "sighting" or an "encounter"? We have a lot of flowers in our yard and the butterflies love them, so there tend to be a number of them around on any given day. However, sometimes one will do something unusual or your eyes are drawn to one in particular and you just stop and keep watching to see what will happen. That's happened more times this summer than I can possibly explain. As for the sharing by your waitress, I think that you resonate differently than the average person now. I think that people sense you are more caring, open and sensitive than most and they respond to that with information that they would not normally share with others. That's a huge gift for a counselor to have and perhaps you will find a way to put that skill to use in the future. As always, I hold you gently in my thoughts."
No comments:
Post a Comment