Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2002. Mattie was five months old. As you can see Mattie was eating rice cereal in his car seat. The irony of Mattie was he strongly disliked sitting in his car seat for the most part. But there were two exceptions to this rule. He loved to eat in his car seat, and did that until he grew too big for the seat. The second thing we used the car seat for was for him to sleep in it at night. Mattie did not like his crib and he did not like lying flat. He preferred sitting up straight to sleep. So literally I would put him in the car seat, and stick the car seat in the crib. It was a process, that probably looked ridiculous, but I frankly did not care. I would do just about anything for him to sleep, and practically did. As a first time parent, I had no idea how Mattie was going to take to solid foods. The first food we tried him on, like most parents, was rice cereal. Mattie absolutely LOVED it, and he soon moved onto baby oatmeal. Mattie fell in love with oatmeal from the moment he tried it, and from that point on, Mattie ate oatmeal each day of his life until he developed cancer.
Quote of the day: He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it. ~ Turkish Proverb
I have spent a great deal of time concealing my grief. It hasn't been on purpose, it just happened that way. I believe that Mattie's death was so traumatic, that I spent several months right after his death absolutely numb, almost robotic like. After that point, the reality of the loss has slowly crept its way to the surface. But I most likely have great defenses built up, because truly letting go could be too painful to come to terms with. However, consistent with this week, I continued crying today. But just like on Tuesday, today's crying episode did not happen at home, I was at Mattie's favorite restaurant.
As my daily readers know, I went to Mattie's restaurant yesterday with my friends, and today I returned with Peter. The general manager of this restaurant naturally knows us because of the frequent nature of our visits. Remember my parents and I started taking Mattie to this restaurant when he was a preschooler. So we have been steady customers for at least six years. However, when we entered the restaurant today, we were on a mission. I had a pad of paper with me and Peter had his laptop. We were there to work through lunch and talk about Foundation items. Peter knows that food is a good motivator for me, and I typically will become more animated about just about anything while eating.
As we were ordering, the general manager came over to chat with us and he wanted to know what we were working on. He knows about Mattie's Foundation and he definitely knows about our annual Walk. In fact, when the 2010 Walk was over, he reminded me not to forget to ask for the restaurant's support for the 2011 Walk. So today as soon as we mentioned we were planning the Walk, the first thing out of his mouth was.... "how can we help?" Peter and I did not come prepared for such a conversation, but together we brainstormed ideas, and I was truly moved by the generosity shown to us today. I will reveal more details as they unfold.
The general manager was telling us that he has three daughters, and he couldn't imagine losing any of them to cancer. In fact, he said that if one died, he doesn't think he could go on living. I actually was intrigued by his response, because it was very sensitive and most definitely an accurate feeling that Peter and I live and battle with daily. He went on to say that sometimes his own family members complain about life's difficulties or daily nuisances. However, he is able to put these things into context for them. He tells them that they all have their health and with that all other problems have a solution. He learned to have this philosophy in life, and to appreciate the true priorities in life from watching Mattie battle cancer, and of course watching us have to survive this torture.
This whole conversation stopped me in my tracks today. Mainly because this is not someone I have spent a great deal of time talking with, yet I was taken and captivated by how Mattie has changed his life. I would imagine Mattie's life has affected those closest to us, but it isn't until I hear stories like this today, do I realize Mattie's life was like a ripple in a vast sea of people. Mattie created change in others, and he was only seven years old. As our conversation ended with the general manager, I was overtaken by the sentiments and his contributions to our Walk, that I started crying. Peter handled that well and then found a way to humorously pull me out of crying, because sometimes if I start, I can't stop, and that would have been the end of lunch and of our productive meeting.
Needless to say, we brainstormed several ideas for the Walk and then chatted about so many different things. We even landed up talking about all the places we have visited together. When I got home this afternoon, my productivity continued and I was able to knock out some things on my Walk "to do" list that I wanted to have completed before Monday.So it was a Saturday filled with many emotions, and yet a day where I solidly could see and feel that Mattie is being remembered. He is not forgotten.... being forgotten would be just as painful as losing him in the first place.
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