Saturday, November 17, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. That weekend we took Mattie to Glen Echo Park in Maryland to see a puppet show. While at the park, Mattie and I went on the merry go round. Today as Peter and I were driving to Maryland to meet my college roommate (to pick up MORE candy!), we passed Glen Echo Park. As Peter was driving passed the Park, a very sad feeling came over me. As if I couldn't look at the Park. I recall walking through this Park many times with Mattie and reflecting on the past is very bittersweet.
Quote of the day: I guess by now I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence. ~ Alyson Noel
Tonight's quote is quite accurate. I doubt we will ever stop missing Mattie's presence in our lives. Instead, we walk around on a daily basis trying to avoid falling deep into a chasm. In fact, going to yesterday's palliative care's seminar was very enlightening because I had professionals around me who expressed empathy and some understanding for the complex life Peter and I now live. In fact, so many weren't sure how we lived through making life and death decisions for Mattie. Determining how your child will die and then hearing your child flatline, are both surreal and horrific memories to hold onto. Memories no parent should have to live with.
I spent most of the morning sorting candy. We are motivated to get this done since I am meeting Linda, Mattie's Child Life Specialist, on Monday to deliver all the candy to the Hospital. In the afternoon, Peter and I drove to Rockville, Maryland. We met my college roommate and friend, Leslie. Leslie's daughter, Faye (who is 12 years old) is doing a service learning project with us. A project I will explain in more detail in our November Foundation Newsletter. Faye collected a ton of candy and in addition to this she spent the time sorting it for me. So this saved us a great deal of time. I look forward to sharing more about our connection with Faye with you. Needless to say, our candy drive reached DC, Maryland, and Virginia this year, and it was beyond successful. We will share a grand total in pounds, along with a picture of this grand total in tomorrow's blog.
Last night, Peter and I went to see the San Francisco Ballet perform Romeo and Juliet. This is my all time favorite ballet. I first saw this ballet when I was in high school, and as soon as I heard Prokofiev's score, I was captivated. This is a composer who understood deep emotions and was able to beautifully express it through music. Romeo and Juliet is a complex ballet to perform because it doesn't only require skill, it requires the principal dancers to invoke passion and deep feelings within their viewers. Last night, Peter and I were NOT moved at all. In fact, by the end of the first act I wanted to kill both Romeo and Juliet myself and spare us from having to sit through two more acts. The costuming was disturbing, filled with peaches and salmon colors. Which are beautiful colors, but the way they were presented was overwhelming and not visually pleasing! Any case, I assumed Peter and I were just in a mood, and figured this was just another example of grief affecting our judgment. After all everyone around us was raving about what they saw and jumped up to give the dancers a standing ovation. This feeling of being different carried over to today for me. Feeling different isn't always a good thing! Therefore, I was inspired to see how The Washington Post reviewed this ballet. I don't typically agree with reviewers either, but this reviewer and I were on the same page! Reading this review made me feel so much better, because this was a dispassionate performance, that left me flat, uninspired, and disliking Romeo and Juliet. The choreographer clearly has no respect or understanding for love, pain, and the complexities of human relationships. To read the review, go to:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/entertainment/theater_dance/passion-is-missing-in-san-francisco-ballets-romeo-and-juliet/2012/11/16/4253af2c-302a-11e2-9f50-0308e1e75445_story.html
When I got home last night from the ballet, I felt depressed and dejected. When I was about to get into bed, I noticed something on my pillow. Keep in mind it is November! As I got closer to my pillow, I saw it was a lady bug. Not a bug I expect to see at this time of year. I took this as a direct message and sign from Mattie!
While sorting through the candy today, I found this white rubber mouse that someone gave to us in their candy donation. This mouse may not mean anything to you, but it means the world to me. When Mattie was two years old, he started occupational therapy. Mattie had a very rocky start to therapy. He basically was very angry. He would scratch at his therapist, have tantrums, and wasn't compliant with the therapeutic tasks we asked him to do. Over time, with a lot of work on relationship building, Mattie developed a very solid, healthy, and effective relationship with his therapist. Together they accomplished wonderful things together and Mattie was able to overcome so many of his sensory issues. After each therapy session Mattie would get to pick a prize. In his initial sessions, the prize Mattie selected was a blue rubber mouse, just like the one pictured tonight. Mattie named this mouse, "Mousey," and mousey became a special symbol to Mattie. He carried the mouse wherever he went, and in fact, Mousey is still in Mattie's room today. I was absolutely stunned to see this white mouse today, and feel this is yet another symbol to me from Mattie. This white mouse made me reflect on my occupational therapy days with Mattie and all the things we overcame together. 
Sorting of candy is a real process in our home. It is on the floor, tables, and side boards! 
As you can see the candy is taking over! I will be thrilled to regain our space next week, when this candy goes to its rightful new home.... the hospital. 
We arranged the bags around our first floor in order. Basically what you are seeing here are bags that were lined up to be weighed. I will share the grand total with you tomorrow. You may not believe how many pounds we collected! Keep in mind that last year we collected 238 pounds of candy!!!
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