Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. As you can see, Peter was holding Mattie during a physical therapy session as he was trying to learn to walk again. Something Mattie never actually did. Weeks after this photo was taken we learned that Mattie's situation was terminal. To think we were pushing him to try to walk and regain strength, all the while, he was so weak and really did not have energy for much. It makes me pause and at times I feel guilty for insisting Mattie have therapy, but I had no idea Mattie's cancer was out of control. However knowing what we know now, Mattie was not only a trooper but amazing. Most of us going through the same thing, would have taken to our beds with depression. What I also love about this photo is the expression on Anna's face. Anna was Mattie's physical therapist and she not only worked wonders with Mattie, but she was someone I trusted. She always told me the truth about Mattie's progress, his future potential, and she rose to each challenge Mattie's case delivered.
Quote of the day: Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. ~ Albert Einstein
As Mattie's diagnosis day (July 23) is quickly approaching, I do find that it impacts my mood and attitude about July and about life in general. It is a time of year that I no longer enjoy, though I must admit that each season is packed with issues. Einstein's quote does resonate with me and I find when I get sad, upset, anxious, and at times angry, I do need to move around. Movement helps, it certainly expends unproductive physical energy, but it also helps to clear my mind. I completed the last Foundation Walk chore today and that was thrilling! Hard to believe that two months post-Walk, I am still at it. But it is the nature of the event and of course not having a staff doesn't help. It is funny, when I come in contact with people interested in our Foundation, they always ask me for the contact information for my "staff." My joke is that I am a staff of one with the motto of slow and steady wins the race. Throughout my years in graduate school people always told me that I seemed do the work of twenty people and I was always asked.... do you sleep?! I suppose working my way through my graduate degrees was good experience for me because I learned all sorts of skills.
In between running chores today, I went to visit my friend Mary who lives in an assisted living facility. Mary was completely mute today, however despite that she gave me a big smile and I could tell was happy to see me. What I wasn't expecting however was while at Mary's facility I ran into a former counseling colleague. This is a colleague who specializes in trauma and grief. In fact, he is very well respected in his field and he is one of the guest speakers I always invited into my assessment and diagnosis class which I taught at the University. The last time I saw my colleague was at Mattie's funeral in 2009. However, as we passed each other in Mary's hallway, we both stopped, did a double take of each other, and then immediately recognized each other. I don't expect to be bumping into anyone I know while visiting Mary. Since trauma and grief are his areas of expertise, he understood immediately the issues I was bringing up. One of the issues I discussed was that of being a "victim." It is very easy after losing your child to cancer to feel like a victim. In fact, anyone who survives a trauma feels victimized and for a while one needs to feel this way in order to seek the safety and protection one needs to restabilize. However, as time moves on, the victim philosophy does lighten up, but I can't say it completely disappears. On some of my down days, it is very easy to want to throw my hands in the air and say I give up. This is what life has brought me and at times I feel there is no way out of these feelings. Grief is a mind game and I am learning the game as I go. This all may seem really out there or perplexing to my readers, but it wasn't out there to my colleague at all!
Before I left, he brought up the George Washington University. He said things are not the same since I left. I just looked at him perplexed. He said that he still comes to the class I used to teach, since the new professor teaching the course continues to follow my syllabus and invites him back each semester. But he feels it isn't the same. He wanted me to know that it was very evident to him that my students loved me and more importantly respected me. My friend Denise, who was also a guest lecturer, told me this all the time. I made a mental file of it, but when I heard it today, it made me smile. I took teaching seriously, I worked as hard or harder than the students at times, and my work wasn't just during class time. I helped students at all hours and days of the week. I do believe the personal time and connections I made with students enabled me to earn their respect. Either case, my colleague understood how this felt like another lifetime ago for me, yet hearing his comments made me feel very appreciated and that I made a difference. Amazing how a few kind words can change one's immediate outlook!
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