Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. As you can see Mattie was swimming independently to Peter. This was a major summer accomplishment!
In all reality it was the summer of 2007, that Mattie mastered swimming. Though I do not like the water or swimming for that matter, I felt it was important for Mattie to know how to swim. It is an important skill and a safety skill. Mattie had taken several group swimming lessons but did not make much progress. He had a healthy fear of the water. So that summer, I got a family membership at the George Washington University pool. A pool located not on their main campus. Any case, almost every afternoon, I would take Mattie to the pool and we would work on swimming. Mind you I don't really like getting into pools, but I was motivated. My efforts that summer paid off because by August, Mattie could do exactly what you see in tonight's photo!
Quote of the day: Our story has three parts: a beginning, a middle, and an end. And although this is the way all stories unfold, I still can't believe that ours didn't go on forever. ~ Nicholas Sparks
I am a huge Nicholas Sparks fan. Some people may like his fictional stories because of how he captures the essence of love and relationships. Though I appreciate that, what I love most about his writings is how he expresses loss and grief. In fact I fell in love with Sparks' writing style while I was in college. Way before cancer was my reality, and the death of a child was my life story. Tonight's quote is indeed my daily struggle. I have a life story with a typical beginning and middle. The end however was not something I would have ever dreamt of or planned. Yet with the death of Mattie, it forces me to have to reinvent my story. It forces me to try to find a new beginning, a new middle, and to work to a new end. However it isn't so simple. Unlike other couples who may have elected not to have children, we DID have a child. Once you have a child in your life, the story is pretty much set. Your story revolves around your children! Now that Mattie isn't in my life, there are days I feel like I don't have a story at all.
In fact, today is one of those sad days for me. Certain things trigger my sadness, and it usually involves my perception of not fitting in. My feeling that others around me are living a life that was supposed to be part of my story. I did not ask for the story to be changed and sometimes I resent that others are able to continue their stories and yet I can't. Call that bitterness, call that immaturity on my part, call it mean. You can call it what you want! But my feelings are not meant to make others feel bad, they simply are meant to describe my inner most feelings.
Later today, I received three messages from newly formed friends. One friend told me she "loved me," which if I told you the context of why she said this, you would understand. The other friend told me that I can't stop writing the blog. That my writing is a "miracle" in and of itself. Mainly because it shares Mattie with others and it gets my readers to think about their own lives and how to make meaning for themselves. The third message was an invitation to join my friend in an art class. This friend knows I can't paint or draw, like she can, but she feels that I could be a budding artist. I say it often on the blog, but words are powerful instruments! Kind and thoughtful messages like the ones I received today do help me out of the funk I can easily fall into. Especially when I am not feeling well. I am currently running a fever and feel run down. So I am signing off for tonight, but I leave you with the notion that I may not know what Mattie wanted his legacy to be, but I do know creating his legacy is part of my life story.
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