Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. Mattie was home between treatments and as you can see he was on an IV. IVs at home started early on in the process because the chemotherapy impacted Mattie's electrolytes. Usually his potassium and sodium were completely imbalanced and without these saline IVs Mattie would have gotten much sicker. Notice though who was also present in this photo..... NURSE PATCHES. For our newer readers, Nurse Patches was the nickname I gave to our calico cat, Patches. Patches earned that title, since whenever I was sick, she stayed right by my side. She was also a great companion to Mattie. We miss both Mattie and Patches and it is hard to believe they are both gone from our lives.
Quote of the day: Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. ~ Bernard M. Baruch
I picked tonight's quote on purpose because it captures the important notion of acceptance. Particularly accepting ourselves for who we are! The reoccurring theme in my life today that I kept hearing about was "fitting in." These are words we typically associate with teenagers and even middle school aged children. Kids want to fit in and straying from society's norm can be daunting, upsetting, and in some cases isolating (though in my opinion such straying is sometimes very healthy!). Yet fitting in doesn't just apply to our friends with an immature frontal cortex (teenagers). I would say that even adults understand this feeling all too well, we just may not be as vocal and dramatic about it. Feeling that one doesn't fit in hurts at whatever age we are, and in many cases we become isolated because of preconceived notions others have about us.
Such preconceived notions can be based on what careers we have, what political party we identify with, our religion, our socioeconomic status, our ethnicity and culture, and the list goes on. However, I would also like to add that we are judged based on whether we have children or not. One woman I saw today in passing was saying that she doesn't fit in with many other women because she never had children. At one time, I may not have been able to get what she was saying, but unfortunately I get it all too well now. However, as I told her, I too do not fit in with any group. I don't exactly identify with couples who never had a child and clearly I don't fit in with couples who have children. So where does this leave me? I am not sure, but this whole "fitting in" conversation kept popping up throughout my day in MANY, MANY contexts. Some of which I can't highlight on this blog, since the stories are not mine to share.
I can only apply what I am hearing to my own life and that is primarily what I have been doing all along on this blog since Mattie has died. Once you lose a child to cancer, you truly do not fit into the world of healthy families and you do not even fit into the lives of families who continue to battle cancer or have a child who is a survivor. That leaves one in quite a quandary, a quandary where one is forced to redefine one's self. Yet here is the thing I have learned over time as I battle grief. I can't force anyone to truly understand the depths of the loss Peter and I live with unless someone wants to walk this road with me. At the end of the day, I have to be confident in my own beliefs, feelings, and thoughts. I have to stick to my guiding principles and my core foundation. All of which ground me and remain steadfast and true even after cancer. Naturally Mattie's cancer has changed me in too many ways to count, but I must keep remembering that fitting in is a concept placed on us by society. Yet despite how mature one is about this concept, and how rational one maybe about differences, not fitting in can seem like a form of grief. We as human beings are social creatures and as such we want and have the need to belong. Which may be why when someone remembers us, tries to include us, or simply shares a kind word with us, this has a miraculous impact. We can't make everyone around us feel like they fit in, but I think listening and trying to understand, goes a long way for a griever.
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