Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2005. This was one of our first kiddie pools on our deck. Mattie got this pool from Peter's parents. It even had a name...."Billy Beluga the Whale" and I remember it as if it were yesterday. This pool was actually up in Boston, but Mattie loved it so much while visiting there, that we packed it up and relocated it down to Washington, DC. Mattie spent most of the summer in this pool and I am not sure what he loved more getting wet or soaking his cars, trucks, and toys in the water. Mattie always had a plan and the plan was always active!
Quote of the day: Loss is like a closed road that forces us to turn around and find another way to our destination. Who knows what we will discover and see along the way. ~ Gerald Sittser
Peter landed safely this evening from Ohio. Though he tells me his flight was harrowing! His approach to DC was a roller coaster ride and the flight attendant apparently went flying two feet in the air. I am thankful I was not on that flight. Even Peter was scared because he wasn't sure what was going to come next!
Tonight's quote, says it all! Sometimes loss does indeed feel like a CLOSED road. A road that goes nowhere in a way, but instead has constant loops. Just when you think you found the way out, you unfortunately land up right back down a familiar pathway. However, just like a familiar road, going down it doesn't seem quite as daunting or as novel each time you land up right back at square one. You get to know every aspect of that same road. Its nuances, twists, and turns. Yet it gets tiring to feel like you can't break free from the same cycle! HOW DO YOU GET OFF of this closed circuit? With a road, you can turn to a map or perhaps Google, with grief it isn't that simple.
As I chat with my friend in grief who is years behind me in the grief curve, I now see grief through her eyes. She too lost an only child, and like me she is traveling on the closed road. When I was on my initial journey in year one and two, I only had Peter and I as a benchmark. Now I also have the lens of my friend! I see grief through her eyes and it gives me a whole new perspective. A perspective which allows me to understand that we are not alone in our CLOSED circuit journey. It is fascinating to see her reaction to grief, but in so many ways, it reminds me of my own. It is hard to describe, and yet as she describes her pain in year two, I get every aspect she is talking about. I would like to say I forgot about that pain, that it has been absorbed or stored some where in the recesses of my brain. But unfortunately year two remains permanently etched in my head. Because it was from year two, that a whole cascade of other negativity unfolded for me which I am still working through.
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