Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. Behind Mattie and Peter is the famous bridge that takes cars from the main land of San Diego to the Island of Coronado. Coronado is a special place and that summer when we were not touring around, Peter would take Mattie out and about on the Island. They would walk and bicycle around together!
Quote of the day: Teach thy tongue to say, “I do not know,” and thou shalt progress. ~ Maimonides
It is ironic, I am in California and far away from those I know in Washington, DC and yet internally I know that school is about to start. It isn't like anyone is telling me this. Quite on the contrary no one talks to me about such matters any more. That is a whole other conversation! Another complexity of navigating the world of grief with my friends..... part of me wants to hear about their lives and another part of me doesn't! Likewise, they want to tell me about their lives and at the same time they are afraid that telling me about their children might hurt me. In a way it is a damned if you do and a damned if you don't!
Mattie died on September 8th of 2009, which was the first day of school! For many of our close friends they associate the first day back at school with Mattie's death. I am sure for some of them the beginning of school, at least for the parents, is somewhat bittersweet. As for Peter and I, the start of school signifies yet another year we are missing in our lives with Mattie.
Today my parents and I went out and did a chore that involved going to a furniture store. They happen to know the owner of this particular store and we got to talking with him. I asked him how his daughter was doing at college. She just went back East to go to school. This is her freshman year! It turns out that his son is also in college, making him and his wife empty nesters! He was talking about how lonely this feeling is and the adjustment this takes! Naturally I was listening to this and of course as a feeling person I could process what he was saying and could empathize, but then taking a step back, I realized this would NOT be something I could ever appreciate first hand. I will never have the opportunity to raise Mattie through high school, he will never attend college, and Peter and I will never be empty nesters like this.
Peter and I are instead living the lives of empty nesters, except our emptiness comes with tremendous baggage, not much happiness or the fulfillment of having raised a child. As the fifth anniversary of Mattie's death approaches, I am already thinking about how Peter and I will honor this occasion and the beautiful life of Mattie Brown.
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