Wednesday, March 10, 2021

Wednesday, March 10, 2021

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2006. Mattie was about four years old. Doing one of the things he loved best.... building! A friend sent us these plastic tinker toys and Mattie loved creating all sorts of structures and shapes with them. If you notice behind Mattie was a little doll house. Mattie picked it out at the store one day, and since I was cognizant about gender specific toys, given that I was teaching a child development class, I wanted to encourage all of his interests. However, what I learned from Mattie is that children naturally gravitate to certain things. In Mattie's case it was anything with wheels and any sort of building material.  

Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins.

• Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 29,137,386
• Number of people who died from the virus: 528,652

I had the opportunity to talk with my friend in cancer today. She too lost an only child to cancer. We talked about the challenges of cleaning out our son's room after he died. I assure you it is a nightmare of a task and there is NO right or wrong way to do this or the right time. As I said to my friend.... don't feel bad. When you are ready, you will know. 

This photo was taken by a reporter who came to do a story on us soon after Mattie died. I wanted to illustrate the amount of items we collected over 14 months of treatment. Mattie received mail and packages daily from the hospital and supporters. Given all we were balancing with Mattie, I did not have the time to organize and declutter. Instead, our home started looking like an episode of hoarders. Back then though my point of showing the room to the reporter was to acknowledge the fact that we had an amazing support network. A network who would jump into action when we had a request. One day I remember requesting training wheels for Mattie's bicycle (we had taken them off before Mattie's cancer diagnosis, as he had learned to ride his bike without them) because he wanted to ride it but was afraid of falling off. Within an hour our network dropped off four sets of wheels. The kindness and generosity of our friends will never be forgotten. 

Mattie's things were all around us. In piles! I remember looking at them but had no idea what to do with them! Nor did I have the energy to focus on this emotional task. So I waited, and I waited. 

Then about four years after Mattie's death, I looked at his room and felt like it did not represent his memory well! That inspired me to do something about it. Which meant going through clothes, toys, boxes, and gifts. I can't tell you how much we donated, including thousands of Lego bricks. 

This photo was taken after the clean up process. The room returned to the way it used to look. But as the years continued, the room evolved into my office. Some of Mattie's things were put away, some of his artwork was saved, and again more was donated. I really believe it is a long process and over time, I realized that things wouldn't bring Mattie back, nor do they make me feel better. 

This photo shows another evolution of the room. Which is somewhat closer to what it looks like today. Except Mattie's bed has all butterfly linens and more of his artwork is framed and hanging near the  bed. 

You can google the subject.... "cleaning out your home after a loved one dies," and a lot of advice pops up. Two pieces of advice struck me:

1. Give family and friends gifts of your loved ones treasures. Something to remember them by. 
2. Get a supportive friend to help you.

In fact my friend in cancer asked me about the first one on the list. She wanted to know if I gave Mattie's things to his friends. Like toys, stuffed animals, and clothes. My answer was NO! She asked why. I said that I couldn't bear seeing Mattie's friends playing with his things. Especially since his things meant so much to me, I would hate to see them potentially not cherished or worse given away. So instead, I spared myself and donated the items. 

As for getting support while cleaning out a house, I think that is a personal decision. Certainly I can see that as being helpful, but on the other hand it is hard to be worried about how others will reaction or feel about your loss. In my case, I dug out Mattie's room alone. Would I have prefered company, most likely not. It was something I had to do and on my own timeline. 

Case in point, Mattie's Taj Mahal Lego set was in our home for the longest time. Last year I finally disassembled most of it. I kept the center part and it's on display in our kitchen. But almost 11 years later, I understand that Mattie isn't coming back, no one is going to play with his building, and it is time to clear this space. No one told me to do this, there is NO LIST that can help! You just have to follow your heart and mind, and the rest will come.