Saturday, September 2, 2023

Saturday, September 2, 2023

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. Mattie was in his second month of chemotherapy. That day we were admitted through the outpatient clinic. While waiting to get admitted to a bed on the inpatient floor, Mattie spent some time in the art therapy area of the clinic. By that time in his treatment process, his therapists knew he LOVED cardboard boxes. They saved many for him over that year. That particular day, Mattie was NOT in a happy place. He constructed a little house built for ONE, went into it, and stayed there for a bit. I don't think I need to say much else, as the picture speaks 1,000 words. 

Quote of the day: A poet warrior realizes both the brutality and the beauty in life, and apprehends that the suffering we tragically endure is partly what makes us human. What also makes us human is the ability to love, the ability to stand in nature’s presence, and to nurture this earthly paradise to tend to our family’s needs. ~  Kilroy J. Oldster

Every September, without fail, we visit Mattie's tree. Last year, 2022, this was a photo of Mattie's White Swamp Oak. Keep in mind that this is memorial tree #4. The other three had issues. This tree was dedicated to Mattie in 2010, by the families of the class of 2020 (Mattie's class, if he had graduated). 

Today, Peter and I went ALONE to visit the tree. We get little to no time with just the two of us. The past several times we took my parents to visit the tree, they were completely disinterested in the tree and didn't want to get out of the car. So today I made the executive decision to leave them at home, while my dad had his physical therapy session. My mom gave me a hard time about not being included, but frankly sometimes I have to be the adult on duty and say NO. I have given up every aspect of my life to manage my parent's care, therefore, if I want this time alone with Peter by Mattie's tree, that is exactly what I am going to do. 

In comparison to last year's photo, look how much bigger the tree has grown!!! It is truly a mighty oak. 

As soon as I got to the tree, I saw that Mattie's plaque was missing. We looked high and low for it, and Peter found it buried in the mulch. I wrote to the school, because the stand for the plaque is missing and to me it is important to bring attention to the fact that this is NOT just any tree. But a tree that serves as a reminder of my beautiful 7 year old and his amazing life. 

I honestly couldn't get over the foliage on the tree. It was rich and healthy. You can see ornaments we hung from the past, such as orange awareness ribbons and butterflies. 

I placed this ornament on the tree in 2022, and it is one of my favorites! It is a statement I said to Mattie all the time.... I love you to the Moon and Back!

We added gold colored, sunflower themed, and donut ornaments to the tree. 

See the donuts? I know Mattie would have loved this, as he survived for a month on donuts during his first month of chemotherapy. 

See how big the tree is in comparison to me!

This afternoon, I took my parents out to lunch. We got to the same place in Maryland each Saturday, to visit with our favorite server, Dawn. My dad seems more exhausted than usual. He was periodically napping during lunch. While he was disengaged, so was my mom. She decided to ignore me for part of lunch. She took out her phone and wouldn't speak to me. 

Sometimes I feel like I could go insane. I am balancing and absorbing every emotion, every upset, all the anger, and so forth from every member of my household. I try to take it, to keep the peace, to empathize, to understand, and to keep my cool. But somedays it is very hard. I am not a bottom less pit, I too have feelings, have my own emotions, and need help. 

I was up and down multiple times at the restaurant taking my dad to the bathroom. It gets wearing! Sometimes I land up with intense hiccups, because I can't eat in peace. Any case, with the last bathroom trip, I left my dad in the restaurant lobby, by the front door. I went back to the table to pay the bill. While I was gone, Dawn (our server) handed my dad a sign. It was meant to be a joke. It says, "Free to ANY home!" Meaning whoever wants to take him home, can. Dawn snapped a photo and shared it with us. I would have hoped that my dad would know not to keep the sign up while we were gone! Forget it. He had it up for many minutes, and he had restaurant patrons coming up to him to ask him if he was okay or needed help! Honestly one day, I am going to get in trouble because people will think that I did this on purpose or I am not providing him quality care. If they only knew. Needless to say, no one offered to take him home. Instead, he got many chuckles from people walking passed him, and he thought that was funny.