Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008, after Mattie's second limb salvaging surgery. Truthfully I have NO IDEA how he was able to smile for this photo! Mattie's right leg was bandaged and casted as was his left arm. In addition to that he was managing a great deal of pain. As I always used to say.... recovering from surgery is far more complicated than the surgery itself. Truthfully how we survived that moment in time is beyond me. But Mattie had a certain spirit that was contagious and I am certain that our love and bond gave me the courage and strength to deal with the impossible.
Quote of the day: The dead are immune from our prison of Time. The distance between the living and dead may be vast, but the space of Time the dead experience when they are reunited with their loved ones is only paper-thin. ~ Suzy Kassem
Each morning, I just never know what will be in store for me. It is always something. However, this week I am seeing that with my dad's cognitive decline, he is now going to the bathroom in the shower, practically every morning. He has no control over his irritable bowel symptoms. I assure you it is a huge clean up job for me and by the time I finish getting him ready for the day, I feel like I have gone ten rounds. Yet that is only 1/16th of my day.
When I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, 30 minutes late mind you, I ran into another caregiver. She too looked harried and she said..... it was a BAD morning! Which was why she also got her husband to the center late. She did not have to say any more to me, as we were immediately on the same page with one look into each other's eyes!
Once I got back home, I told my mom that I needed to take two hours out of the day and get the computers remotely checked! I try to do this every three months, where they are scanned for issues, viruses, cookies and other things that could harm the computers. I am so thankful to have this service, because I never did computer care in my entire married life. So I have absolutely NO IDEA how to do this! Yet our lives are regulated by machines and I run the Foundation through my computer. So things have to function and function safely!
As the clock gets close to 1pm, I know I am on borrowed time, because my mom starts getting restless. She will actually pace! She wants to go out and I feel so much pressure. Pressure, because the time my dad is at the center, I could use this time to get things done! But she can't understand or appreciate all that I have to juggle.
While we were out and about, I saw a car's license plate that read "HIS PLAN." At first I did not get it, but then I saw the slogan on the plate which said.... In God We Trust. I am not sure why seeing this hit me, but it did. I think when you are going through impossible times, it is natural to turn to a higher power. Something has to ground me, because my personal foundation, and everything I once knew and understood no longer exists. I have to admit I do not understand the world we live in, where people hate, hurt, kill, and harm one another. Nor do I understand a world in which children get sick and die. It is not something I can comprehend and then naturally I ask myself, where is God in all of this? How does he allow these awful things to happen? But most importantly I always ask God.... why me? Why have I been chosen to have such cruel things happen to me? Again there are no answers, but the one thing I am certain about is God is used to my many questions. He maybe the only one who can truly handle whatever I dish out.
Ironically when I saw the "His Plan" today, I started crying. Not emoting out of pain or sadness, which is my usual state, but out of the notion that perhaps there is a plan! A plan I am not aware of, a plan that I can't imagine, but nonetheless a plan. I hold tight to the hopes that there maybe better days ahead, because truthfully I can't see them AT ALL. I feel completely blank, in which nothing interests me, I see nothing to look forward to, and I have no hopes for the future. Which is why when I say, God help me, I am neither joking or being sarcastic.
I guess if you are reading this blog, and have days, weeks, and years like mine, then you know exactly how I am feeling. May we all have the courage to face the next day, and may we open to signs, glimmers, and possibilities. As these miraculous things some times just appear when we least expect them.
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