Monday, December 22, 2025Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. It was Mattie's first Christmas with us! I don't know if you can see the pacifier ornament behind us on the tree? Ironically I still have this ornament, but not the cutie I was holding. When you look at this photo, Mattie looked like the picture of health. I remember that sweet bundle of energy, and no matter how many Christmases pass, I will never understand why cancer striped my identity of being a mom. Priceless face, smile, and boy!
Quote of the day: Trees quiet without the birds, my heart quiet without you. ~ Terri Guillemets
Today was my dad's first day back at his memory care center since his hospitalization. He wasn't eager to return, but I felt it was important for him to have the mental stimulation. Naturally before I allowed him to return, I talked to the staff and requested that someone shadow my dad whenever he is moving, as he needs supervision. It was a busy morning because my mom had a physical therapy session at home and I also had a gardening crew over helping me cut limbs off of trees, shape bushes, and most importantly clean off the roof and gutters of leaves. Though we have leaf protectors on the gutters, they still need cleaning off, as leaves tend to pile up on the gutter covers. Last year I got out a ladder to deal with leaves above the garage door, but this year, the team who helps me maintain the outside said..... VICKI do NOT get up on a ladder. You have way too much going on and people who need your support! So I listened!
As crazy as this sounds, just hearing people working outside the house today made me very edgy! I have no idea why, but the noise of saws, blowers, and other equipment practically had me jumping out of my skin. So while feeling that way, I took on a task!
As I mentioned last night, each day before Christmas, I am prepping a different dish. That way, on Christmas day, all I have to do is cook everything. There is no way I could host a dinner and juggle my dad without all this prep work. But honestly, I am better working and moving! As cooking, cleaning, and gardening are my forms of therapy!
Today, I prepped stuffing for my turkey. When I got married, I was given a cookbook from a local Boston farm. This recipe is from this cookbook, but I have modified it over the years. This stuffing has NO meat in it. It is comprised of bread, onions, celery, apples, cherries, chicken stock, butter, wine, and parsley. Since my dad LOVES stuffing, I made a large quantity of it this year!
By mid-day, I stopped chores and took my mom out for tea. We haven't been for tea in two weeks! When we walked into Starbuck's the general manager came over to talk with me. He said that everyone working there was worried about me! I explained to him what had happened with my dad, but it was nice to know someone noticed I wasn't there! Some days I think if I just disappeared, who would notice?
I received many gifts from friends today. This package came from California. My mom's friend is a baker and in my opinion she makes the best gingerbread cookies. Every December she mails me a tin of cookies! She says she wants to picture me sitting with a cup of tea and a cookie, and taking a minute to myself! What a beautiful wish! My friend Heidi mailed me a wonderful box of chocolates! Can anyone ever have enough chocolate? Well not in my house! How did I meet Heidi? The irony is Heidi got to know me first through this blog! After Mattie died, I attended a Zumba class. When I walked into the classroom, Heidi happened to be there too. She knew me, but I did not know her! She came over and gave me a big hug! Seriously I had no idea who was hugging me, until she told me she felt like she knew me from my writings..... and that is how our friendship started!
As I mentioned before, I sometimes despise getting the mail. As there are always surprises in it, and by surprises I mean bills. I was awaiting a particular invoice that came in today, but when I looked at the amount, I almost flipped out, as the amount was double what I was expecting. I even called the company, because I thought there had to be a mistake! There wasn't! I am not going to get into it here, but this was a financial decision my dad made years ago, and frankly it wasn't a wise choice. I literally was screaming around the house today and my conclusion is I always relied on the two men in my life to look out for my financial future. That was a royal mistake! I was always treated like a person who couldn't understand numbers and therefore others should be making these decisions for me. Well what I have learned since my divorce is that I should have maintained all the financial decisions. Sure I am not an economist, I am not an investor, or mathematically oriented, but I am a logical thinker, understand the flow of money, and have common sense! NEVER again, will I ever rely on ANYONE to manage my life or my finances.
My agitation over this mailing made my mom very upset. All of this is devastating for my mom to witness what has happened to my life over the last two years. I have to remember, she is a mom who has seen her daughter decimated. Any case, I switched gears and told her I was going to wash, color, and blow dry her hair. Normally I take her to the salon, but her salon appointment never happened because of my dad's hospitalization! Any case, this activity stabilized her and I have to remind myself, that issues, problems and crises, can't be shared with anyone in my house. Instead, I must absorb these issues and manage them alone.
Deeply grateful for every note, card, gift and form of support. While out today, I heard a Dolly Parton song playing, called Hard Candy Christmas. If you have never heard it, I attached it below. But some how it is a song that gets me every time I hear it as my family went from three, to two, and now to one... making Christmas very hard!
No comments:
Post a Comment