Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2005. Mattie was two and half years old and by that time, he LOVED bath time. Which was ironic because initially Mattie disliked the feeling of water on his skin. He went from hating it to loving it in a matter of two years. He loved it so much that I could drain the bath tub, and yet Mattie did not want to get out of it. I am not sure if Mattie liked the notion of bathing, or playing in water. My hunch is Mattie loved water play and that motivated him to bathe. I remember while filling up the tub with water, Mattie would pick out toys and throw them into the water, before he got in. Once in the water, he would create all sorts of play schemes and by the time he got out of the tub his little fingers were water logged!
Quote of the day: As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. ~ Sascha
My dad is enrolled in a Medicare program that assigns a nursing team to his care. This team calls me monthly to check in and I literally can call them 24/7 if I have questions or concerns. So far, I can't tell if this program is helpful or purely annoying as it forces me to communicate with someone who doesn't know our circumstances and situation. Yet each month, I have to bring them up to speed.
Any case, for two days, the nurse has tried calling me at 8am! When she called on Tuesday morning at 8am, I literally said to her..... YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING! I am juggling my dad and a thousand things in the morning. They never pre-arrange a call date and time. I have to fit into their agenda and Tuesday, I was not nice, I was not kind, I was annoyed. They then called me Wednesday morning, again at 8am! I did not answer the phone. I then called them back later in the morning. While talking with the nurse, she basically told me she was happy that the holidays were behind us. She did not go into much detail other than there is great pressure to create the perfect holiday, to cook/bake, and buy presents. All of which are overwhelming. I told her I understood, though our circumstances are quite different.
Last night, I got into bed, and I couldn't sleep! I do get nights like this now since my separation. Anxiety, stress, and all sorts of emotions seem more raw at night. It is when the house is quiet and I am not pulled from one task to the other, but instead, I have time to feel and think! NEVER a good thing for me. Since I couldn't sleep, I watched Hallmark movies. I no longer get upset that I can't sleep, as it serves no purpose.
The movie that caught my attention last night was titled, Single on the 25th! I am not sure this title would have even peaked my interest when I was married, but now I am intrigued by how single people manage and cope through the holidays! The movie opens up with the main character walking through the streets of Chicago. As she is walking, she is bombarded with photos and images of happy couples.... for example, she passes her local coffee house and it featured a billboard outside of a couple drinking a huge hot chocolate together. This main character then goes home and opens up her mailbox. She received countless holiday cards from friends featuring photos.... couples together, couples getting married, and couples having babies! So quickly you can see this character is overwhelmed with aloneness and it is evident that she feels different from everyone else! She then questioned.... is Christmas for couples only?
Along the way this woman meets her next door neighbor, who is a confirmed bachelor. He can see she is struggling and befriends her in hopes that he can show her that being single is wonderful and though her family wasn't able to come and visit for Christmas, she should go ahead and attend all the events and activities she had planned to do with them, but do them alone. So while she is on a quest to find herself and appreciate who she is and what she brings to the world, she is in the process helping her confirmed bachelor neighbor question what it would be like to be in love and involved with someone. In essence, they are both on a quest, and as with any good Hallmark movie, these quests intersection and as I always say.... with Hallmark there are NO UNHAPPY endings! I have enough unhappiness in real life, I don't need to absorb it on the screen too!
I think the content of this movie evoked so many feelings in me that instead of relaxing and being able to sleep, I remained up for several more hours after the movie was over. Like the main character in the movie, I too believe life is more meaningful, special, and worth living when you have someone to share it with! As Christmas 2025, the third Christmas I spent without my other half, is behind me, I wonder to myself.... will it ever get better? Will it ever get easier? I am not sure it ever will, because holidays are so much more than presents, trees, and good will. They are about shared experiences, memories, and the hope of many more of these moments together. So I face life alone and what's worse is in a way I am tortured by what I thought my life used to look and feel like, and it takes a lot of self discipline not to get fully consumed by these emotions.
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