Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2002, about five days after Mattie was born. Why am I posting this photo tonight? Because when I picked my dad up at the hospital today, he wasn't in the main hospital building. He was in the building pictured here, which is now renamed... Women and Child Health. As I was picking up my dad and helping him into the car, I had many happy families all around me placing their newborns in the car with them. Honestly, that sighting alone made me very uneasy, sad, angry, you pick the descriptor. Why is it that I stood in this same location as these parents in 2002, and yet for me my child died and then my long-term marriage landed in divorce? All I know is it is a painful reality, which is one of the reasons I hate being anywhere near this particular entrance of the hospital.
Quote of the day: I think the purest of souls, those with the most fragile of hearts, must be meant for a short life. They can't be tethered or held in your palm. Just like a sparrow, they light on your porch. Their song might be brief, but how greedy would we be to ask for more? No, you cannot keep a sparrow. You can only hope that as they fly away, they take a little bit of you with them. ~ Emm Cole
I do not know if it was the pending return of my dad today, but what I do know is I did not sleep well last night. The notion that I have to manage my dad's intractable hiccups alone is daunting as I know this hiccup sound truly upsets my mom and neither of us like to see my dad that debilitated.
At around 12:30pm, I told my mom that I had to mail the cookies I made, and therefore I was going to drive to the UPS store and then would return for her. Sure I wanted to mail the cookies, but I also wanted to assess how safe our neighborhood was to drive. I preferred doing this without my mom in the car, as she can get fluttered and anxious quickly. Thankfully the roads in my neighborhood were cleaned fairly well and certainly the main streets were great.
I returned home, got my mom, and at 1pm, we were back to the road. I first wanted to visit Mattie Miracle's post office box and pick up the mail. While I was driving the hospitalist called me. What is a hospitalist? This is a medical doctor who specializes in the care of patients solely while they are admitted to the hospital. They work on-site, providing continuous monitoring, rapid, in-person responses to emergencies, and coordinating care between specialists to speed up recovery and improve outcomes. For the life of me, I have yet to meet a hospitalist that I like. I am not just talking about hospitalists at this particular hospital either. I am sure they have their own pressures placed upon them by the hospital system and insurance companies, but overall, I have found many of these physicians are rigid, they have black and white thinking, and truly they seem disinterested in receiving input and concerns from caregivers.
When my mom and I got to the hospital, I was carrying a bag of clothing and things for my dad in one hand, along with my purse, and holding my mom's hand with my other hand. Typically I bring a luggage cart to the hospital, but since I did not think we had a long walk from the car to the room, I did not bring it today! BIG MISTAKE. We went through the security process at the hospital and took the elevator up to the fourth floor. When I got there, I couldn't find my dad's room. Thankfully two nurses assisted me and it was at that point they told me that my dad's room wasn't in the main hospital building, but over in the Women and Health's Building. Which I assure you is a big walk with bags and my mom in tow. But we did it!
When I finally got to my dad's room, his door was shut. I opened it and I found him slumped over in bed, sitting in urine, hiccupping and out of it. You can imagine how this hit me, especially since the doctor had been telling me how well my dad was doing. The room my dad was in was literally the size of a closet. It had two chairs in it, the kind of chairs that harken back to my old elementary school days! My joke today was this was where the hospital put patients and family members who need to sit in the corner for punishment. The room couldn't possibly contain more comfortable chairs, because they just wouldn't fit. The room looked like a mess and I was so busy trying to wake my dad up, stabilize his hiccupping, and cleaning up the space around him that I forgot to take a photo of this noxious space to share here. Oh and by the way, the room felt like a sauna! I like heat, but this was sickening! In addition they had a video camera on my dad, which meant to me they were understaffed during the storm.
I did meet with the hospitalist, who wasn't concerned about my dad's hiccups (which he has had since last Wednesday). I told the doctor that he may not be concerned by the hiccups because he doesn't have to manage a loved one with them! He just kept saying over and over to me.... we can't keep your dad another day! To which, I said.... YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME! I never suggested that my dad remain in the hospital, on the contrary, the hospital is the worst place for a 90 year old! I told him what I DID WANT FROM HIM was scripts for various medications to help manage the hiccups.
Any case, my dad is back home after three nights in the hospital and I am hoping I can keep him out of the hospital for a while now. But so far it isn't looking good:
July 2025: Hospitalized with a virus after falling on the bedroom floor (spent three weeks in the hospital)
December 2025: Brain Bleed (spent a week in the hospital)
January 2025: Norovirus and intractable hiccups (spent 3 days in the hospital)
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