Saturday, April 11, 2026

Saturday, April 11, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on April 4, 2009. Mattie was celebrating his 7th birthday in the hospital. That day, his art therapists made him a special card. To you and me, a roach card probably wouldn't be appreciated. But Mattie had a fascination with these bugs. Probably because he knew I hated them. The year we were in the hospital, the roach, became quite prominent..... Mattie painted a huge roach on the ceiling of the outpatient clinic, he had rubber roaches to scare nurses, he made clay roaches and the list went on! Whatever inspired Mattie to engage with the world and forget cancer for a minute or two, I applauded!

Quote of the day: As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed. ~ Vincent van Gogh

As my dad is celebrating his 91st birthday on Sunday, I tried to go back into my electronic folders to look at photographs I took over the last 6 years. If you have been following along, then you know I have been having issues with my shared drive. This is a drive we used for years, in which we stored a LARGE amount of data. Much more data than I would wish to pay for to store documents and photos on the cloud. The shared drive basically has my life on it from the Foundation to years and years of photos. Which is why you can imagine how devastated I am that parts of the shared drive are missing. It is bad enough that the history of my marriage and our life together has been erased, but now not to have the actual photos, greatly upsets me. I am fortunate that I have many photos on my phone, but that doesn't even come close to the amount of photographs captured and stored over decades on the shared drive. 

All of these photos were taken in 2020. It was NOT a good year for my dad, as he developed urinary sepsis and then an impacted colon. Both issues required a week of hospitalization. Since it was during COVID, none of us were allowed in the hospital and his cognitive decline was steep without our presence. 

These photos were taken in Los Angeles. Though I did not like living in LA when I was in high school, I definitely enjoyed visiting it often. Now that my parents live with me, I had to say good-bye to my Los Angeles visits. In addition, with my divorce, I feel in so many ways my life is over. I have no interest in traveling and definitely do not have any sort of vision for a future. To me it has been a crushing loss. 

My dad used to love going out to eat. He loved food and had a great appetite. That is unfortunately changing now. 

This was a restaurant close to my parent's home in Los Angeles. I grew up going there! My grandmother loved it too.

My dad loved having outdoor time. Now I rarely can get him outside, he has no interest!

This photo was taken after my dad's hospitalizations in 2020. He had a long road to recovery but he did it! Or I should say we did it!

This photo was taken in December of 2020, we were celebrating Christmas in Los Angeles. I had made this coconut layer cake and paused for this photo. When I see this photo and look at myself today..... there is a night and day difference. There has been a profound toll on my mind, body, and spirit from 24/7 caregiving and my divorce. Whatever spark I had, was extinguished the day I became separated. 

Some of you could be reading this and wondering why on earth I am lamenting about my divorce. After all many people get divorced each year. That maybe true, but divorce doesn't fit my personality. I become committed and attached to people and things and will do whatever is necessary to keep those I love happy. I lost so much with Mattie's death, and now losing my other half is just indescribable. It is a loss I will never get over. Naturally as I am caring for my parents, I experience a little bit of loss each day. So overall, I would say that I am DROWNING in extreme loss.