Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. We were in San Diego and Mattie wanted to try this bicycle with a surrey on top (which is what I called it). This thing may look cute, but WOW what a work out! The frame of the bicycle was super heavy, so pedaling was like moving my legs through taffy! Nonetheless, look at Mattie's smile! Mattie loved it and it was worth the effort! What I did not know at that moment was it was going to be our first and last bicycle with a surrey experience together.
Quote of the day: It is better to lock up your heart with a merciless padlock than to fall in love with someone who doesn't know what they mean to you. ~ Michael Bassey Johnson
I thought the mortgage assumption process was over! I learned today that it is NOT! The closing documents are now in the hands of the post closing team! This takes another two weeks. I honestly do not know how much more of this I can take. Whenever I see that 1-800 number pop up on my cell phone, that sickening feeling comes over me. I have been dealing with this feeling since May 1, and frankly whenever this is finally over, it will take me time to normalize again. The mortgage assumption process has been sheer hell, along side dealing with COMPLETE FEAR over where I would be living with my parents.
I am not sure if it is the greyness today or simply being worn out physically and emotionally, but all I want to do is put my head on a pillow and sleep. Naturally that is not going to happen, but it feels like another bleak day. A day in which the reality of my divorce has hit me, and yet at the same time it still seems unreal. When I talk with other women who have faced the uniqueness of what I am going through (and remember you are only hearing a portion of my journey on this blog), many have admitted needing hospitalization, the support of a suicide hotline, and medication. No judgment on my part, as I can absolutely appreciate why any and all of these resources would be needed. But my journey looks a bit different. Partly it is because I am caregiving and partly because my mind can't process what has happened. It is as if I am going to wake up one day and learn that none of this happened. That I am not divorced and that my long time view of the world is real and intact, rather than crumbled and shattered in pieces like it is now.
Even at night, my brain is working over time trying to process my divorce. Last night was no different. As is typical with dreams they don't always make sense, but all I know was I was visiting Chicago with my other half and his family. It was so real and I can recall that I was arguing with the hotel staff because they had life sized RATS walking around. Kind of like the big rats you see in the ballet, The Nutcracker! No one else seemed to be bothered by the rats, other than me. The hotel decided to try to calm me down and gave us an amazing dinner in a magical setting. It was so wonderful that by the time dinner was over, I too wasn't bothered by the life sized rats. Totally, NOT LIKE VICKI! As no dinner could placate me in real life if I were surrounded by rodents! What do it mean? I have no idea! I looked up what this could mean and learned that dreaming of life-sized or giant rats means a hidden problem, fear, or difficult person in your waking life has grown too large to ignore and is making you feel completely overwhelmed. Sounds about right!
Any case, when I am feeling on overload, it means I have to back away from the computer, start moving around to work out the confusion in my head and heart.
I end tonight with two of my favorite Dolly Parton songs! I grew up with her music and to me she was bigger than life, that it is hard to believe she died today.
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