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Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2004. Mattie was two years old and he was visiting my parents in Los Angeles. I snapped this photo because Mattie found my sandals, put them on, and was walking all over the house in them! Check out that priceless smile!!! You can practically feel his laughter and energy from this photo.
Quote of the day: Companionship is more than a presence, it’s a steady, compassionate embrace that walks beside you, through every season of caregiving and beyond. ~ Beth M. Sutherland
This morning, I woke up at 5:30am. I had to get up this early because Steve, my outdoor guru, was coming at 8am to help me with outdoor lighting issues and the pool of water collecting in my front yard from a broken downspout. As a caregiver, I am unable to just get up and manage myself and Steve. NO, I have to think about the cat, making breakfast, cleaning up the house, and timing things just right so that I could get my dad up, toileted, showered, dressed and downstairs for his therapy appointment at 11am.
I spent about an hour with Steve and learned what the issues were and thankfully, Steve was able to fix everything. I am convinced there is nothing he can't fix! But to say that I am tired would be an understatement.
My cousin Maureen, sent me a YouTube video the other day (below). The video discusses Dolly Parton's role as a caregiver to her ailing husband and highlights the toll caregiving took on her body and spirit. In fact, Dolly died 18 months after her husband, Carl Dean, died. Research indicates that when a spouse dies, the remaining caregiving spouse can die 12-18 months after. Why? Because the loss of a long term partner is emotionally traumatic on top of the grueling and debilitating tasks a caregiver performed for years. As the researcher in the video highlights, the severe trauma of such a loss can impact the cardiovascular system and therefore the surviving spouse maybe faced with heart issues or a stroke. But there is a psychosocial component to such a traumatic loss such as a collapse in routine. The survivor is no longer caregiving. It is an immediate loss in all caregiving tasks (showering, dressing, toileting, shuttling to medical appointments, medication management, wound care, providing mental and social stimulation, etc), and a loss in one's long term and trusted social partner. But in addition to all these massive losses, there is a loss of purpose and this has one questioning the will to live.
Many people think that once our caregiving role is over, there is relief! There is freedom, and things go back to normal. NO, NO, and NO! When caregiving has been your identify for years, when you aren't doing it anymore, you become directionless, isolated, confused, and can spiral downhill.
Though this video is talking about caregiving and its overwhelming physical and financial toll on the caregiver, I couldn't help but equate his discussion on traumatic loss to my loss of Mattie and my loss of my marriage. I may not have lost a spouse to death, but divorce in some ways for me is even worse and I would have to say the emotional impact is quite similar.
When Mattie died, I went from around the clock caregiving for 14 months straight, sleeping maybe two hours a night, to NOTHING. On September 8, 2009, I lost my identity, I lost my role as a caregiver and mom, and all I saw was a blank, grey, and uninhabitable world. Once Mattie died, my body started falling apart. While caring for Mattie, I was on constant hyper alert and blocked out all my pains, symptoms and issues. I imagine this is how our military members can keep going regardless of the toxicity they are facing. Mattie's journey gave me a glimpse into the power of the body and how we can train ourselves to endure incredible stress and sleep deprivation. However, once the threat was over, then my body and mind, crashed! I faced chronic urinary track infections, fatigue, and had no interest or desire to live. I am not sure how I survived that bleakness, but being married and sharing that loss was definitely less isolating.
As tonight's quote points out, there is great strength in companionship. I miss having my lifelong companion. Now I carry the loss of Mattie, I carry the daily routine of caring for my parents, and I carry my painful divorce alone. What I like about this video, is it gives us a glimpse into Dolly Parton the wife. A woman who took a hands-on caregiving role and as a result we are all left to seeing the consequences. A traumatic loss can even take down a massive music legend. This should give us all pause.
As this research highlights, the chronic stress I live with, floods my body with stress hormones, which can have long term consequences on my immune system, blood pressure, and cellular aging. I end tonight's posting by saying.... THANK YOU to all the family caregivers out there, who provide unpaid love, support, and care to a child or adult, YOU ARE AMAZING and our society should be indebted to you.
This video is only about 24 minutes and it is worth a watch.............................
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