Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and that year, we went to Target together and picked out this pumpkin sweatsuit. Mattie loved the color orange (which is why Mattie Miracle's color is ORANGE) and whatever Mattie wore had to be soft to the touch. Making sweatsuit material.... perfect. Mattie was the cutest pumpkin and back then, I thought we were going to have many, many more years together. No child should die before his parent!
Quote of the day: Betrayal is not a single act, but a crack in the mirror of loyalty, reflecting shards of shattered trust. ~ Andrew Pacholyk
I had trouble going to sleep last night. Each stage of my divorce, I learn something new about my former life that just makes me pause. As I just can't believe I thought I had such a solid, loving, and trusting marriage, and yet, what I thought was actually all wrong. Today, is the second anniversary of my divorce. YES, my divorce became official on Halloween of 2024. Two years may sound like a long time, but for me, it has been like a blink of an eye. A bad blink at that! These two years will never wipe out our 35 years together.
Given that I went to bed close to 2am, and got up at 7:30am, I am very tired. I was moving in slow motion this morning, with a migraine on top of my distraught state. While cleaning my kitchen, my door bell rang. It was my neighbor, who came to give me a hug. Even my neighbors are upset and saddened for me, and they so want for me to have a happier, better, and more stable life. As I told my neighbor, I wish I was the kind of person, who could easily close an emotional door and move on. Unfortunately I am not that type of person, which is why the way I was left couldn't have been crueler. Any case, I could not chat long with my neighbor, because I still had to get my dad up for the day, get him showered and dressed, and downstairs. Not to mention today was laundering of bed linens day!
It was another hard irritable bowel syndrome day for my dad. Fortunately for him, he remembers nothing, and therefore isn't embarrassed or upset by his accidents. My dad thinks it is commonplace and I should have no problem working around the clock to meet his needs. This is another aspect of Alzheimer's that is so debilitating for caregivers, because the disease makes a person completely absorbed in their own needs, with a total disregard for those around them.
I spent a portion of the day working on Mattie Miracle's holiday letter, which has to get to the printers next week in order for me to work on the mass mailing over Thanksgiving. But truthfully today, I was livid. Livid because I want to know why I have to always be the responsible one? I did not walk away from my marriage, I did not abandon Mattie's memory and his Foundation, and I certainly did not walk away from my parent's 24/7 care. That just isn't me, which is why I can't imagine someone else doing this to a loved one! Would I like a day off? YES! Would I love help with the Foundation and someone next to me just as invested in it as me? YES! Would I love someone looking out for my best interest while I am fully absorbed in caring for my parents? YES! I have a lot of questions, but that is all it is..... words! Words, because what I actually want is never going to happen.
Divorced for two years! My brain just can't process this, as I dated for 6 years, and was married for 29 years! The best years of my life were given to someone who did not deserve my love, support, and undying loyalty.
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