Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie was two and half years old and like every Fall weekend, we went to a Fall Festival. Though Mattie did not love crowds and a lot of noise, he loved being outside. There was always something fun to do at a Fall Festival, and Mattie was always up for exploring. Though you can't see our faces, I absolutely love this photo. To me it is just sweet and innocent. Mattie and Me! We faced many things together, while holding hands, and finding our way through whatever challenge and obstacle! How I wish he were still alive today, as I know he would be a strong ally.
Quote of the day: You either get bitter or you get better. It’s that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you. ~ Josh Shipp
I came across this quote tonight and I think the sentiments are 100% correct! I say this in the context of caring for someone with moderate to late stage dementia. There are times managing my dad is infuriating, stressful, and tests me beyond measure. He absorbs nothing I say, can't process anything, and if you ask him a question, his answer is "I don't know!" I can't tell you how these three little words set me off! Tell me anything, but..... I DON'T KNOW!
I have noticed over the last two weeks, that my dad hits his head with the shower head every morning. What do I mean? Well after I help my dad out of bed in the morning, which means practically lifting him out of bed myself, I get him to the shower, and have him sit in a shower chair. I then fully wash him myself with soap and shampoo his hair. It is at that point that I hand him the telephone shower head to wash the soap off of himself, while I make the bed and carry all the major laundry downstairs. Before I hand him the shower telephone, I tell him DO NOT put this near your head and hit your head. SURE ENOUGH, every morning, he hits his head, and now has about five bumps on his head. This morning was the last straw. Given that any hits to his head could exacerbate his current brain bleed, I am concerned.
Tomorrow, I will need to completely alter my morning routine, as I no longer can leave my dad alone with the shower head. I will have to wash the soap off of him myself. Overall, I am seeing another steep decline in my dad's physical and mental state! The concern always is.... will this plateau and stabilize, or will he continue spiraling downhill.
Tonight's quote resonates with me, because life will hit each and everyone of us with something or somethings that test your patience, challenge your existence, and cause you to lose direction and hope. For me my biggest threats to my existence were losing Mattie, facing divorce (and in the way it happened!), and being a caregiver to my parents 24/7 for five years now. Dementia transforms loves one dramatically. My dad has become focused only on himself, he turfs all things to me, and refuses to do one thing to help himself. It is frustrating and at times I feel like it is going to tear me down. But then I take a deep breath and realize tomorrow is another day.
What I do know is taking my dad out to eat is becoming beyond difficult. It is hard to move him and his bathroom accidents are bordering on insane. Like clockwork, as soon as I take him into the restaurant we visit every Sunday, he has to go to the bathroom. Today, I brought him to the bathroom, but he refused to go. So while washing his hands, of course he went, which meant we had to go right back into a stall, and I had to fully clean and change him. This happens every Sunday without fail. Meanwhile, I can't leave my mom alone for long either, and forget the car. I literally leave the car by the restaurant's front door with my blinkers on while I get my parents into the restaurant. Some times, the car can be there for 15-20 minutes, depending upon the nature of my clean up jobs with my dad. All I can say is I NEVER signed up to do this alone and yet here I am. Some of us do NOT walk away.
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