Tuesday, January 27, 2026

Tuesday, January 27, 2026 -- Mattie died 830 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2002, about five days after Mattie was born. Why am I posting this photo tonight? Because when I picked my dad up at the hospital today, he wasn't in the main hospital building. He was in the building pictured here, which is now renamed... Women and Child Health. As I was picking up my dad and helping him into the car, I had many happy families all around me placing their newborns in the car with them. Honestly, that sighting alone made me very uneasy, sad, angry, you pick the descriptor. Why is it that I stood in this same location as these parents in 2002, and yet for me my child died and then my long-term marriage landed in divorce? All I know is it is a painful reality, which is one of the reasons I hate being anywhere near this particular entrance of the hospital. 

Quote of the day: I think the purest of souls, those with the most fragile of hearts, must be meant for a short life. They can't be tethered or held in your palm. Just like a sparrow, they light on your porch. Their song might be brief, but how greedy would we be to ask for more? No, you cannot keep a sparrow. You can only hope that as they fly away, they take a little bit of you with them. ~ Emm Cole

I do not know if it was the pending return of my dad today, but what I do know is I did not sleep well last night. The notion that I have to manage my dad's intractable hiccups alone is daunting as I know this hiccup sound truly upsets my mom and neither of us like to see my dad that debilitated. 

At around 12:30pm, I told my mom that I had to mail the cookies I made, and therefore I was going to drive to the UPS store and then would return for her. Sure I wanted to mail the cookies, but I also wanted to assess how safe our neighborhood was to drive. I preferred doing this without my mom in the car, as she can get fluttered and anxious quickly. Thankfully the roads in my neighborhood were cleaned fairly well and certainly the main streets were great. 

I returned home, got my mom, and at 1pm, we were back to the road. I first wanted to visit Mattie Miracle's post office box and pick up the mail. While I was driving the hospitalist called me. What is a hospitalist? This is a medical doctor who specializes in the care of patients solely while they are admitted to the hospital. They work on-site, providing continuous monitoring, rapid, in-person responses to emergencies, and coordinating care between specialists to speed up recovery and improve outcomes. For the life of me, I have yet to meet a hospitalist that I like. I am not just talking about hospitalists at this particular hospital either. I am sure they have their own pressures placed upon them by the hospital system and insurance companies, but overall, I have found many of these physicians are rigid, they have black and white thinking, and truly they seem disinterested in receiving input and concerns from caregivers.

When my mom and I got to the hospital, I was carrying a bag of clothing and things for my dad in one hand, along with my purse, and holding my mom's hand with my other hand. Typically I bring a luggage cart to the hospital, but since I did not think we had a long walk from the car to the room, I did not bring it today! BIG MISTAKE. We went through the security process at the hospital and took the elevator up to the fourth floor. When I got there, I couldn't find my dad's room. Thankfully two nurses assisted me and it was at that point they told me that my dad's room wasn't in the main hospital building, but over in the Women and Health's Building. Which I assure you is a big walk with bags and my mom in tow. But we did it!

When I finally got to my dad's room, his door was shut. I opened it and I found him slumped over in bed, sitting in urine, hiccupping and out of it. You can imagine how this hit me, especially since the doctor had been telling me how well my dad was doing. The room my dad was in was literally the size of a closet. It had two chairs in it, the kind of chairs that harken back to my old elementary school days! My joke today was this was where the hospital put patients and family members who need to sit in the corner for punishment. The room couldn't possibly contain more comfortable chairs, because they just wouldn't fit. The room looked like a mess and I was so busy trying to wake my dad up, stabilize his hiccupping, and cleaning up the space around him that I forgot to take a photo of this noxious space to share here. Oh and by the way, the room felt like a sauna! I like heat, but this was sickening! In addition they had a video camera on my dad, which meant to me they were understaffed during the storm.  

I did meet with the hospitalist, who wasn't concerned about my dad's hiccups (which he has had since last Wednesday). I told the doctor that he may not be concerned by the hiccups because he doesn't have to manage a loved one with them! He just kept saying over and over to me.... we can't keep your dad another day! To which, I said.... YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME! I never suggested that my dad remain in the hospital, on the contrary, the hospital is the worst place for a 90 year old! I told him what I DID WANT FROM HIM was scripts for various medications to help manage the hiccups. 

Any case, my dad is back home after three nights in the hospital and I am hoping I can keep him out of the hospital for a while now. But so far it isn't looking good:

July 2025: Hospitalized with a virus after falling on the bedroom floor (spent three weeks in the hospital)

December 2025: Brain Bleed (spent a week in the hospital)

January 2025: Norovirus and intractable hiccups (spent 3 days in the hospital)

Monday, January 26, 2026

Monday, January 26, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2003. Mattie was 9 months old and I took him outside in our commons area of the city to walk around in "Tot Wheels!" This was Mattie's favorite thing to do..... walk and be independent. You would be amazed how he could steer and maneuver this big thing throughout our first floor. Tight corners and door ways didn't stop him, Mattie just had natural spatial ability! I am so grateful for this enclosed outdoor space, because it was in this space Mattie learned to walk, ride a bicycle, fly a kite, play with our neighbor's dog JJ, and of course drive Speedy Red (a ride-on vehicle).  

Quote of the day: "Put your oxygen mask on first" comes from standard airline safety instructions, used as a powerful metaphor for self-care, meaning you must secure your own well-being before you can effectively help others, a concept echoed by leaders, coaches, and mental health professionals.

I am sure we have all heard tonight's quote in some shape or form. Meaning it is commonplace, familiar, and part of our societal norms. Some of us may have had this quote used on us, some of us may have used it one others and all of us have heard these safety instructions before a plane takes off. In the context of an aircraft, I 100% understand and appreciate this instruction because unless you have your oxygen mask on, there is no way you are going to be conscious enough to help anyone else around you. I fully support that fact and reality. However, how well does this quote apply to the full-time family caregiver? It doesn't, the quote in my book gets a zero! This is the problem when quotes in one context get adopted and translated into other contexts. 

When on an airplane, you can easily grab a mask and put it on. Putting on a figurative oxygen mask for a family caregiver, isn't a quick fix. As most of us are chronically exhausted, chronically stressed out, and chronically balancing the impossible. In order to get that so called breath of life sustaining oxygen, it wouldn't require a two second gesture. It would most likely take us weeks, months, or years to recover from the daily stresses we are managing. Which is why you will NEVER hear ONE caregiver say to ANOTHER caregiver.... put your oxygen mask on first. Mainly because it is a pointless statement that negates our whole situation and the context we live in. 

It was another ridiculous day here on the Farm. This morning I received a call from my dad's doctor at the hospital. He wanted to update me on how my dad is doing. Bottom line... he still has diarrhea and he still has the hiccups. However, from a medical standpoint there is NO LONGER a need for him to be in the hospital. Translation... MEDICARE has decided they will not cover the cost of anymore hospitalization, which of course puts the doctors in a difficult position. Any case, I expressed to the doctor my concerns with driving as my neighborhood hadn't been totally cleared out. He then told me if I did not feel comfortable driving to pick my dad up that the hospital will they could have a transport vehicle take him back home. He then said that case management would be in touch with me a little later today. 

But here's the thing! Did you know that these transporters are NOT covered by insurance? (Thank you Cheryl for this 411!!!). Which would have meant that I was going to be faced with a hefty transportation bill as the hospital is over 20 miles away from where I live. As soon as I learned this fact, I called case management myself and chatted with a social worker. I literally said.... when was someone going to tell me that I would have to pay out of pocket for this service? I bet that many families are left paying these fees because all this important information is not conveyed to them. This to me is criminal. So I told the case manager that I refused to pay for transport and I also did not feel comfortable driving to the hospital. She told me she would convey this to the doctor and get back to me. It is almost 8pm, and of course no one called me. Therefore I will be prepared to pick my dad up tomorrow and deal with the consequences of him being apart from me since Saturday night. I assure you it won't be pretty, as he will be disoriented and physically depleted are being quarantined in bed. So anyone who thinks a hospitalization is a break, hasn't experienced a hospitalization.

Of course my mom is deeply upset as she has a whole history with my dad's bouts with intractable hiccups. I can't tell you how upsetting it is to hear someone hiccup non-stop for weeks on end. I can say this freely because both my mom and I can freely say we have this experience. In the past, when my dad was younger, he would get hospitalized and completely knocked out with Thorazine (an anti-psychotic medication) for a week. That was the only way to get rid of the hiccups. Now that my dad is 90, this isn't an option. The doctor at the hospital said I should consult a GI doctor about the hiccups. Newsflash.... it can take up to six months to get in to see a GI doctor. There is no way my dad can continue hiccupping for six months. It is debilitating on him and it will set my mom and I over the deep end.... literally!

Today I decided to bake macaroons for my "former" father-in-law, as his 92th birthday is approaching in a few days. This is my new tradition with them.... on every occasion, I bake them something and mail it. My local UPS store gets a kick out of me, as they always ask me when will be bringing them a box of cookies!

I made two different kinds..... macaroons with semi-sweet chocolate and macaroons with cranberries and white chocolate. 

Sunday, January 25, 2026

Sunday, January 25, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Why am I posting this photo? Because Mattie took it! All these women were packed in his postage stamp of a room and they were working hard to get Mattie up, moving, complying with physical therapy and engaged with the world around him. I honestly do not know where we would have been without Mattie's child life specialist (Linda), his art therapists (Jenny and Jessie), and his physical therapist (Anna). Each one of these women was amazing, but together there was nothing they couldn't accomplish from a psychosocial perspective. 

Quote of the day: A good doctor treats the disease; a great doctor treats the patient who has the disease. ~ William Osler

I wrote the blog on Saturday night before chaos ensued. Knowing that we had a winter storm warning that night scared me to no end. I contacted my dad's doctor numerous times that day and in the evening, after my dad vomited up more food, the doctor suggested I buy Boost or Ensure and other soft foods for him to eat to manage through the storm. So literally at 7pm, I got in the car and headed back out to the grocery store to purchase Ensure, pudding, and jello. I was expecting to find NO food in the stores, but the store was still stocked with plenty of things and the store employee told me that management and store employees were sleeping nearby, because the store is open even in a blizzard. I am not sure why I found comfort in hearing that, but I did! I think I have been feeling very vulnerable this last week with my dad very ill, me being so sick, and the notion of a pending storm was the icing on the cake. 

When I got home from the grocery store, my dad's doctor was still writing to me and between what he said and my own observations on my dad I had to make the tough decision.... do I keep him home and manage his declining symptoms in a snow storm, or do I try to get him to the emergency room before the storm hits in hopes that they will admit him. It was a very very difficult situation because driving during a snow emergency not only puts me in danger but it puts my parents in danger. Keep in mind that I learned to drive in Southern California... the land of NO SNOW! So I truly do not have snow driving skills! So picture it being 8:30pm, my mom was already in her pajamas and I had left the dinner dishes on the table (since I ran out to the grocery store for my dad). I then proceed to tell my parents that we had to go to the emergency room and we had to mobilize. My dad had no idea what was going on and my mom insisted on coming with me. So I had to wait for her to pull it together. While she was getting herself together I cleaned up dinner (dinner that my dad vomited up), packed snacks and blankets for the hospital, put out extra food for Indie, and within 30 minutes we were out the door. While driving I realized I forgot my phone charger! But I wasn't turning back!

Seriously I felt practically unstable driving in the car and I was literally screaming, and I mean screaming................ I miss my husband (okay legally, I know he isn't my husband for the record)! I HATE negotiating the world alone, it is daunting, stressful, and last night I thought I was going to need an ER bed alongside my dad. 

Thankfully when we got to the ER, it wasn't crowded and they took us back immediately. As soon as we met my dad's nurse (who was outstanding, as he has worked in his profession for 17 years) I explained to him that I wanted to talk to the ER physician to get this process moving because I have a two hour window to get out of the hospital and home safely before the snow traps us at the hospital. Now mind you I realize that snow isn't a medical crisis, but honestly everyone I interacted with was kind, understanding, and when I tell you they streamlined the assessment process, I am not kidding. 

I do not always have the best of luck with ER doctors, but Dr. Russell, was outstanding. Listened, assessed, put things together quickly, and got to understand the full picture. CAN WE CLONE HIM? Within thirty minutes he had my dad get a chest and abdominal x-ray, which then led to an abdominal CT. He ordered all sorts of blood cultures and wanted a fecal sample. Note.... when I brought my dad to the ER on Wednesday of this week, they wanted a fecal sample too, but none presented itself (lucky them!), and therefore they had no data to hold my dad. 

But since my dad has been vomiting and having massive amounts of diarrhea since Wednesday, as well as hiccupping non-stop since Wednesday, this merited a hospital admission. Seriously when the doctor told me he was going to admit my dad, I thought I was going to cry, because he could see how sick he was and if I was overwhelmed caring for him, it meant.... we indeed have a problem! I should mention that early on in my interactions with Dr. Russell, I thanked him for working through a blizzard and for choosing to work in an ER, which is not an easy place to do medical care. I told him that he and doctors like him are the true heroes in our society. Honestly he stopped, absorbed what I was saying, and thanked me for my kind reflections. 

At 11:30pm, I whisked my mom back into the car. It was snowing, but it wasn't bad. The blessing was I was driving on Route 66 with the snow plows. To me the snow plows are my friends! We made it home after midnight and I was so wired, I continued doing chores and helped my mom get settled. It was at that point, I realized I needed to eat something. Keep in mind since Thursday, I haven't eaten much. I did not want just anything.... my stomach said I needed potato chips. Something that I rarely ever eat. I keep chips like this in the house to give out to people who help me with house projects. But last night, I cracked open that supply and ate potato chips and drank gingerale. I eventually made it upstairs and got into bed, with Indie my side kick, and it was the first peaceful night of sleep I have had in days. The stress of my dad's illness was removed from my shoulders and he was where he needed to be. 

When I woke up this morning, I checked my dad's patient portal and reviewed all his medical test results. Sure enough.... my dad has Norovirus. It now explains his symptoms and my own. He and I presented very differently, and I am just thankful that my mom is fine. But with the way I clean around the house, I should be able to do a commercial for the benefits of bleach and white vinegar. 

Meanwhile, we were inundated with snow today. I am sure snow serves some sort of purpose by from my standpoint... snow is for children. After that phase, it is a great hassle! Bordering on dangerous. I am very grateful that I have neighbors who look out for me, as they worked on clearing off my driveway and front walkway. Hopefully making it easier for me to dig out tomorrow. 

Saturday, January 24, 2026

Saturday, January 24, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie was home between hospital treatments and a friend brought over this giant Scooby Doo balloon. Mattie was a huge Scooby fan, and we practically saw every episode and movie together. So needless to say the balloon was a big hit! I am not sure what we would have done without Team Mattie. As it took a lot of support to help him and us on practically a daily basis. At the time we had no family living in our area, and what I can attest to was Team Mattie rose to every challenge and went above and beyond for 14 months. As gifts and surprises on a daily basis were almost necessary to help pull Mattie out of his funk and change the tone in our home at any given moment. 

Quote of the day: We understand death only after it has placed its hands on someone we love. ~ Anne L. de Stael

It may have been Saturday, but today was a total blur. It is freezing out, my dad and I are still sick, so we went no where and now of course with the winter storm upon us, I will be going no where any time soon. Managing snow is hard on a good day, but I am not well, and I truly don't have the energy to shovel. Another issue on the long list of why living alone is not for me! My fevers come back at night, making it almost impossible to sleep. Whatever this bug is that I caught from my dad is horrific. I have no interest in eating and whatever I eat, makes me sick to my stomach. 

In addition to dealing with gastro issues, my dad is STILL hiccupping. He developed the hiccups in the hospital and no matter what I give him, I can't seem to stop them. Also eating seems to trigger vomiting for him, as I learned today while serving lunch. 

I have been working all day on Foundation items and though I wasn't up to it, I also know if I don't do it, it won't get done. I do everything alone now, including managing the Foundation. I am grateful that we have loyal friends and supporters, who stand behind my mission whether I am married or divorced. I am signing off for tonight because I have to dial it back before I make myself sicker than I already feel. 

Friday, January 23, 2026

Friday, January 23, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie was home between hospital visits and our neighbor and his Jack Russell Terrier, JJ, came for a visit. Mattie and JJ practically grew up together and they were good buddies. However, once Mattie had his limb salvaging surgeries he was a little more hesitant to be around JJ. I think Mattie was scared that JJ would jump on him and injure him in some way. Nonetheless, with JJ on a lease, this helped to make this furry visit possible!

Quote of the day: No matter how much falls on us, we keep plowing ahead. That's the only way to keep the roads clear. ~ Greg Kincaid

Last night while cooking dinner, a wave of nausea came over me. It was so bad that even my migraine meds weren't helping. I stopped cooking and went upstairs to my bed to try to reset. However, it wasn't working. I was unable to cook, serve, and deal with dinner last night. Fortunately my parents had a good lunch that day. It took all the energy I had to get my dad up the stairs and in bed. My mom however, did not want to go to bed, so I left her downstairs in the family room with the TV on. 

By 11pm, I jumped out of bed because I knew what was coming. I spent the night vomiting profusely. It was very debilitating. In the midst of facing this, my mom had the TV blaring at 1am. So I went downstairs, and she was up on her phone. I told her she had to go to bed and I helped her upstairs. As soon as I finished helping her I vomited again. 

After a very restless and upsetting night of no sleep, I got myself up at 8:30am. I went into my parents room. My mom was already up and clueless to what was going on with my dad. I could smell something was wrong even before getting in the room. But what I saw was an absolute nightmare. My dad had an explosive bout of diarrhea. I honestly have never seen such horrors.... as it was puddled on the floor, under the bed, all over the bed rail, on the mattress box spring, all over the sheets and mattress protectors and the pillows, and of course my dad was a mess. How my mom couldn't see this is beyond my comprehension. Keep in mind that I am still nauseous from last night, so this morning's sight practically did me in. My mom can't manage it, she is very squeamish, so I had to address it all. It took me two hours to clean everything. I stripped the bed completely, cleaned everything with either white vinegar or Clorox clean up and then got my dad back into bed because I wasn't ready for him yet. 

When I returned back upstairs to shower my dad, we faced another bout of diarrhea. I now have him on Imodium and I believe these gastro issues are a two pronged problem... partly the infection he has and a side effect of taking strong antibiotics for aspiration pneumonia. I have been cleaning and dealing with laundry all day. It was so bad that I had the windows upstairs open and fans going in their room all day. I successfully managed and contained the problem. 

I so wanted to go lie down today, but that wasn't in the cards for me. My mom's car has been at the garage getting service for three weeks now. Today, they completed the work and wanted me to pick up the car before the snow storm. So I found the inner strength to take the rental car back and retrieved my mom's car. Tonight, I have to figure out dinner. Food isn't going down for me and I am not hungry, yet my parents need to eat. I can just about manage dry cereal. 

The positive news is my dad's fever seems to have broken and his hiccups are getting better. Yet the hiccups haven't gone away completely, so this is always a concern. I am signing off for today and hope that tomorrow is a better day. 

Thursday, January 22, 2026

Thursday, January 22, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2008. Honestly when I look at this photo it is hard to believe that Mattie was diagnosed with cancer six months later. How on earth is that possible? That weekend, we took Mattie on an outdoor adventure. We always explored a park or a trail because Mattie loved nature, and in turn, I grew to love it too. However, if you were to ask me where this photo was taken... I can tell you I HAVE NO IDEA. I am geographically challenged which wasn't a problem when my other half was around. As we balanced each other out, with different skills sets. So unfortunately some aspects of my memories have died with my divorce.

Quote of the day: Because that’s what kindness is. It’s not doing something for someone else because they can’t, but because you can. ~ Andrew Iskander

Wednesday was challenging, but today was no better. I took my dad to the emergency room with my mom in tow on yesterday. We got to the ER at around 4:30pm. Before going back to a room, they did a whole battery of tests, but since they couldn't start an IV (has he has Jumpy or "rolling" veins which makes starting an IV challenging because the veins shift under the needle), it was impossible to get blood test results. It seemed like we were in the waiting area a long time. Because it is an open space where there is NO privacy, you unfortunately get to hear the issues and problems of other patients. 

I do not think I will ever forget the family who walked into the ER doors last night. It was a couple with an young adult daughter. At first I wasn't sure what I was witnessing as the mother was hysterical, yelling at the ER staff, and making demands. Her husband was behind her, trying to calm her down, and her daughter was managing all the paperwork. It became very evident to me that this woman was having a mental health crisis, which was heart breaking to watch, but what I observed last night was the best of humanity. Starting with this woman's husband. Though this woman was paranoid, she clearly trusted her husband. He was calm, compassionate, but also had fantastic strategies to help redirect his wife so that she would comply with the medical personnel. He never raised his voice, he never lost it, and it was clear he frequented the hospital because the ER security recognized him. Watching this man's care and concern for his wife was simply beautiful. That is what true love is about, it isn't about walking away when things get difficult and I assure you what I observed him coping with was difficult times ten. 

Though we were in the ER from 4:30pm to 1am, I would say that we had the A team at work. Every single person we encountered was kind, professional, and helpful. Starting with the ER doctor to all of my dad's nurses and techs. An ER is a hard environment and sometimes it is a scary place to be, but these professionals confirm what I strongly believe in and that is listening to the patient and family and embracing them as part of the treatment team makes the quality of care go up exponentially. In fact, when I went back to the CT scanning area with my dad, the transporter said to me..... now you are going to see all sorts of things in the ER and some of it maybe upsetting. He was trying to normalize a very abnormal environment. I thought that was so thoughtful and kind. I listened and did not share my years of hospital experience.... not as a healthcare professional but as a caregiver.... the lived experience! But truly what this tech did with me, should be done for all patient families, because it humanized a very overwhelming place and experience. 

Last night, the ER doctor ran every test possible on my dad. My dad had a head ct scan, an abdominal ct scan, a chest x-ray, blood work, and a urine analysis. Every test revealed nothing new. Keep in mind my dad was admitted to the hospital in December, so there are many issues we are tracking from scan to scan such as kidney stones, gallstones, heart issues, and a brain bleed. The only thing that was evident was that my dad has an infection, but they had no idea where the infection was coming from and therefore there was not enough data to admit him. How the ER doctor delivered this news was perfect and he understood my perspective... if you aren't admitting him, then I want him discharged as soon as possible. 

What I need to mention is while in the hospital my dad developed hiccups! When my dad gets hiccups, it is not like you or me, where they go away in a few minutes. NOPE. When my dad gets hiccups, they are intractable and can last for weeks! Hiccups are terribly debilitating and the ER doctor tried anti-nausea meds in hopes of knocking out the hiccups. In the past, my dad got hiccups from a bad reaction to eating shellfish or after having a CT scan with IV contrast. But yesterday neither one of these issues occurred. The physician indicated that vomiting can trigger hiccups.... delightful. 

So at 1am, I got my parents back into the car and drove home. My dad was exhausted, hiccupping, and complaining of back pain from being transferred onto scanning tables. This happens with every admission. Therefore, I may have brought my dad in with one set of symptoms, but by the time I got home, I was dealing with the original symptoms plus the NEW symptoms acquired at the hospital. 

This morning, when I got my dad out of bed, I could feel he had a bad fever.... 101. I let his primary care doctor know and that ensued hours of chats back and forth today. The doctor believes that my dad has aspiration pneumonia, which in a lung infection that occurs after vomiting and foreign material gets into the lungs. My dad's doctor wanted me to take him right back to the ER. I did not think that was in my dad's best interest to be in the hospital for another 8 hours. Mainly because what else were they going to find today, that wasn't present last night? The doctor agreed with me, but both of us are concerned with the horrible storm coming on Sunday, that my dad's situation could take a turn for the worse. In any case, my dad was started on antibiotics today (two trips to the pharmacy later!!) and his doctor prescribed 10mg of Baclofen, upon my request. Baclofen is a muscle relaxant and highly effective for intractable hiccups. How do I know this?

I learned about Baclofen out of desperation in 2020. Back then, my dad was hospitalized with urinary sepsis. In the process, he was given a CT scan with IV contrast, despite the fact that he has a known allergy to contrast. Right after the scan, my dad developed hiccups that lasted three weeks straight. The medical team had my dad on Thorazine for two weeks. Keep in mind that my dad was recovering from sepsis, had Alzheimer's and in the height of COVID none of us could go into the hospital to reorient him. So for two weeks, my dad was completely knocked out and losing cognitive ground. I literally got a hold of his doctor and gave it to him. He's the medical doctor and should know better. So he challenged me to find a better medication to give my dad! I pushed back and said I am not the medical doctor, you are! But I decided to take on that challenge and started reading peer-reviewed papers about intractable hiccups. What kept popping up was the drug, Baclofen. So I demanded it and in 2020, with the first dose of Baclofen that was administered, the hiccups STOPPED. I am hoping that Baclofen does the job now, because I do not know what I am juggling first...... gastro issues, fever, muscular pain, or hiccups!    

Wednesday, January 21, 2026

I am writing this posting from the emergency room. My dad has been dealing with diarrhea and vomiting for two days. This morning was a total nightmare, as he went in bed, in the shower and all over himself and the floor. It has been non stop clean up. This afternoon we added confusion to the mix and I whisked him to the ER. 

My area is headed for almost two feet of snow on Sunday, and given that my dad is recovering from a brain bleed (December’s admission) and heart disease, I couldn’t take any chances. I am in a total panic about the snow as I manage so much alone, I now have to worry about digging out, my parents’ health, stocking up food and supplies. It is so hard being the only intact adult on duty and of course that makes me sad and mad at the same time. 

My dad has had a ct of the head and abdomen, a chest X-ray, blood work and an EKG. Most of his imaging looks fine but I can see they are focused on his heart. So here I wait at 9:30pm waiting for next steps! 

Tuesday, January 20, 2026

Tuesday, January 20, 2026 --- Mattie died 829 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. That day, my parents and I took Mattie out to lunch. We went to one of his favorite restaurants. This restaurant had an overhead train track and miniature train that went around the restaurant. Mattie LOVED looking for the train and of course whatever caught Mattie's attention and whatever he loved.... I loved too! 

Quote of the day: Whenever I miss you, I look at my heart. Because it’s the only place I can find you. ~ Unknown

On January 20th, I always post a tribute to my maternal grandmother. She died on January 20, 1994, at the age of 86. My grandmother lost her husband to colon cancer (when she was in her 50's) before I was born. By the time I came along, my grandmother was already living with my parents. So to me a multi-generational household was normal. 

This wedding photo was taken by a professional photographer. The story I was told as a child was that the photographer loved this photo so much that he used it to market his services. The photographer made a life size cut out of it and displayed it in his studio!

Facts about my grandma:

• She was born in 1907, in New York. 
• Both of her parents were born in Italy. 
• She was the oldest of five siblings. 
• She married at the age of 16. Her husband was born in Italy and was a contractor for commercial and residential properties. 
• She had three children. Her middle child died (Sudden Infant Death). 
• Though she did not work outside the home, she had numerous skills. Cooking being at the top of the list. 
• She was a born caregiver and cared for everyone in her family. 
• She sponsored many family members to come to America and is in essence responsible for their successes and improved quality of life. 
• She was a kind, gentle, caring, and loving person. With a very easy-going personality. 
• She had two grand-daughters, but she and I shared a very close bond. As I was known to call her "mom."
• Her favorite color was green. 
• She introduced me to Days of Our Lives at an early age. 
• She played the piano by ear. 
• She wasn't a fan of chocolate (not unlike Mattie).
• She wasn't squeamish. She could handle everything from mice to seeing blood. 
• She did not know how to drive. 
• She loved to read and was well informed about all current events. 
• She was a Bob Hope and Bing Crosby fan. As a result, I have seen all the Road to.... movies. 
• She loved lily of the valley flowers. 
• She suffered a massive stroke in 1990, which left her physically disabled. She died 4 years later.  

I will never forget the day my grandmother died. She and my parents were in California and I was living in Boston, Massachusetts attending a Master's in Science program. That morning before I woke up, I had a dream. In the dream, I was with my grandmother. We were chatting and she reached over to give me a dozen roses. In the dream, I reached over to accept the roses, but as soon as I touched them, the petals fell off and they immediately died in my arms. Minutes after this happened, I was awakened to my my home phone ringing and it was my mom on the other end of the phone letting me know that my grandmother died. However, even before my mom said something I knew my grandmother died. The roses were her way of communicating with me. 

There are many things about illness, death, and grief that I do not understand. Meaning there are NO logical explanations to some of the signs and feelings that we can experience. Yet from my losses, I have come to accept and appreciate these unexplainable happenings and signs. To this day, I still look for signs in nature and some how they just present themselves when I least expect them.

Monday, January 19, 2026

Monday, January 19, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie's grandmother sent him this foam puzzle of the world map. Mattie had a wonderful time assembling it and then decided to lie on top of it. I literally snapped this photo and labelled it..... "Mattie sits on top of the world!" I will never forget that moment in time.

Quote of the day: Poets use countless words to describe their pain, but I only need three: I miss you. ~ Caroline George

Though today may have been a national holiday, it was business as usual for me. I got up at 6:15am, because my mom had a physical therapy session this morning. Truly if someone would have told me four years ago that I would be a morning person and that I was going to get divorced, I would have laughed. Yet here I am. The one thing I love about holidays is..... there is NO MAIL! If you have been following along on this blog, then you know going to the mailbox stresses me out. I get stressed out with surprise bills and other communications!

I took my parents out mid-day for frozen yogurt. It may be cold out, but this is a good outing for my parents. Keep in mind that have battery powered heated jackets and I have blankets for each of them even when they are inside the store. So truly the cold is tolerable for them. Unfortunately as my dad continues to decline, he is fully incontinent, and I am literally changing him every two hours. He is no longer aware of his is bodily functions and given that his skin easily breaks down, it is a constant battle that I face daily. 

In the middle of juggling things today, I committed to push myself to work on continuing education courses to renew my mental health license in December of 2026. By December, I will need 40 hours of continuing education. Hopefully by the end of this week, I will be at 20 hours! Naturally given all that I am facing, it would be understandable if I let my license lapse. But I remind myself I worked TOO hard to obtain the license and I will never know in the future if I need a license to work or be more marketable. Rather ironic at my age that I have to worry about my financial future and security, as I never focused on this while I was married. Given that big mistake, and trusting that someone else was looking out for my best interest, I now tell any young woman that I have the opportunity to talk with that they MUST open a bank account solely in their name and only they should have access to it. At the end of the day, the only person who is going to look out for your best interest, is yourself. I assure you this philosophy is counterintuitive to me because I always valued the trust and sanctity of marriage. 

We are the product of our experiences, losses and traumas, and if I can help other women avoid the situation that I face now, I do it. At the end of the day, no matter what has happened in my life, I thrive on caring and looking out for others. That quality can not be destroyed regardless of what life has thrown at me. It is a core value, that guides how I live my life, and I am proud of this fact!

Sunday, January 18, 2026

Sunday, January 18, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. I will never forget this moment in time! That day, Mattie had a bone scan. Bone scans for Mattie were usually two hours long. Prepping for the scan was difficult, as Mattie had to fast from eating or drinking anything. In addition, once on the scanner, he had to sit very still. The deal that day was if Mattie complied with the tech, we would take him to the restaurant on campus and sit at a Teppanyaki table (a Japanese style of dining where a chef cooks for you at your table featuring flat-top griddles and often a theatrical chef performances with sizzling food, flames, and tricks). While Mattie was undergoing chemotherapy, he developed a love for shrimp. So the chef grilled shrimp for Mattie and then played a game with us... he wanted to see if Mattie or I could catch a cooked shrimp in our mouths if he tossed it at us. Mattie thought this game was hysterical!

Quote of the day: The dead are immune from our prison of Time. The distance between the living and dead may be vast, but the space of Time the dead experience when they are reunited with their loved ones is only paper-thin. ~ Suzy Kassem

I took my parents out for lunch today. We go out every Saturday and Sunday, otherwise, the weekends are truly very challenging couped up at home alone. Though we typically go to the same restaurant every Sunday, we went to a different restaurant today that was closer to home. The staff at this restaurant have gotten to know us and when I tell you they come running to help me carry bags and seat cushions I am not kidding. In fact, one of the managers today gave me his cell phone number. He told me he isn't married and is off on Mondays and Tuesdays, and would be happy to help me with my parents any time. He also mentioned he wanted to just help and wasn't looking to be paid. It was a very kind gesture and honestly the person that I am.... I would like to trust people at face value. But guess what? Since my divorce, I now view everyone as having an ulterior motive, a hidden agenda, and therefore, there would be NO WAY ON EARTH I would ever contact, connect, or get close to someone I deemed a stranger. If my judgment could be SO OFF after a 35 year relationship, then anything is possible. I can be fooled once, but I will never put myself in such a position to be fooled again. 

While we were eating, there was a group of four men eating nearby. They were older gentlemen and clearly coupled off. One was wearing a hat and thick rimmed glasses. Sounds odd maybe, but it worked for him. Here's the funny part of all of this, we noticed him and he noticed us. He came over to talk to me and my mom twice. He told us he is 80 years old and he wanted to greet us because he admires "beautiful women." Seriously it was an afternoon that just made me want to laugh. Well laugh on one hand and then be angry on the other. There are moments during my day when the reality of my single life hits me. When this feeling washes over me, it is all consuming and I literally can feel that I need to walk around or scream. In the middle of lunch, neither were an option, so I had to keep it together. But seeing couples dining together, talking, and doing what I deem normal things, leaves me wondering...... why don't I have this? It is hard to go from being a couple since I was 19 years old, where we shared everything together, and even survived childhood cancer and great loss, to this. Each day, I wake up and wonder.... is today the day I will find out that all of this was a joke or a bad dream? Don't worry, I haven't lost touch with reality, as I know that day will never come.