Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Tuesday, July 26, 2011 -- Mattie died 98 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken around my birthday in 2009. Linda, Mattie's childlife specialist, got this cake for Mattie, so that he could give it to me and celebrate my birthday. As I look at this picture, I can see that I am very tired and barely can keep my eyes open. At the time I thought life was extremely challenging and fatiguing, which it was. However, I had no idea what was in store for us just two months later when Mattie died.

Quote of the day: Mourning is not forgetting... It is an undoing. Every minute tie has to be untied and something permanent and valuable recovered and assimilated from the dust. ~  Margery Allingham

I began my day by receiving this beautiful picture from my friend Ellen. In June, Peter and I planted some flowers in Ellen's flower baskets at her beach house. It was one of our thank you gifts to her for giving us a week's vacation at her house. But anytime you plant flowers you just never know if they will take and thrive. Clearly as you can see they not only took but they are looking beautiful. It was a lovely sight to see this morning! Friends sharing pictures while away is a special way to stay connected, and as I looked at this picture this morning, it reminded me fondly of our time on Ellen's deck listening to the ocean waves.

This morning I decided to go for a walk despite the incredible heat. It was nice to walk in silence and also listen to music and see greenery around me. I had a dragonfly following me around for most of my walk, and I couldn't help but think of Mattie. The irony is I was working in my garden this afternoon, and out of no where came a beautiful butterfly fluttering near me. I literally said to the butterfly, "hi sweetheart." As if the butterfly was my Mattie. Rarely do we get butterflies in our garden, right in the middle of the city. So to me this was a very special sighting!

After my walk, I went by to see Ann's mom and her caregiver, Shayla. Shayla was having a bad day, and I decided to go visit to lend support. Shayla and I have been working quite closely together during the month of July, and we have gotten used to checking in with each other throughout the day about Mary. So old habits are hard to let go. However, what I have found is in the midst of us working together, we both have come to appreciate each other and develop a friendship. While Mary was having lunch, I sat with her and our mutual friend, Catherine, came over to join us. So lunch was lively.

While visiting Mary, one of the aides began talking with us. She told us she believes that "God has a reason for everything." She truly believes this statement and she feels that during her ups and downs in life God has been with her. Even when God throws at her things that are unexpected. I listened to her beliefs, but I couldn't help but say that some times I do not understand God's reasons. She had no response to me, she kept on talking. If one truly believes that God has a reason and purpose for everything, then one has to ask the question.... what was the purpose of Mattie developing cancer and dying? Well I could come up with some responses, but NONE of which I find at all comforting or satisfying. Developing pediatric cancer defies explanation in my book, and no amount of reasoning seems to help me make sense out of it. Why do children get life threatening illnesses, suffer, and die? When one ponders this notion, one can't help but want to rethink the cliche..... God has a reason for everything!

So in addition to seeing the dragonfly and butterfly today, there are two occurrences in our home that I can't explain. When I entered our hallway this afternoon, and I looked at Peter's grandfather's clock, I noticed Patches rainbow Mouse toy right on top of the clock. I took a picture of this strange occurrence! When I saw this, I text messaged Peter to see if he happened to put the mouse there. He said no! Frankly I don't think Patches is skilled enough to fling it up there, so therefore I am left wondering how on earth this mouse got on the clock?! I have had other mysterious things like this happen in our home, and during these weird moments that defy explanation, I say that Mattie is playing a trick on me!

In our dining room, I keep Mattie's ashes in an Italian made jewelry box. On top of the box, I display things of Mattie's. However a few weeks ago out of NO WHERE a blue hotwheels car appeared on top of the box. Again I questioned Peter, who had NO idea where the car came from. These types of occurrences make me believe that Mattie is with us and in his own way is sending us messages!

This evening Peter and I went out to dinner with our friends Marisa and Denise. Denise and I are graduates of the George Washington University and I met her daughter when Mattie was battling cancer. Marisa helped me care for Mattie in the summer of 2009, which was no easy task. Yet she handled Mattie's battle with cancer with courage, great patience, compassion, and determination. Marisa will be working with the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation as an intern over this next month. Marisa is a business major at NYU and we are lucky to tap into her knowledge and skills with social media and networking. So stay tuned for more exciting information!