Wednesday, August 29, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2002. Mattie was five months old. All over his face was rice cereal, one of his favorite things to eat. You will notice however that Mattie was eating in his car seat. That is because he despised his high chair. He ate in his car seat up until the day he did not fit in it anymore, and then eventually he learned to tolerate the high chair. I just love the smile in this picture, and as Peter jokes with me all the time, it was a Mattie smile that was only reserved for me.
Quote of the day: It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up. ~ Vince Lombardi
The third anniversary of Mattie's death is quickly approaching. With that a whole host of emotions swirl around in my head. When I am in one of these emotional moods, I can easily come to certain conclusions and decisions. One of the decisions I was thinking about was ending the blog on September 8, 2012. My family cautioned me as I was making this decision because they felt that my motivation for ending the blog wasn't for the right reasons. Nonetheless, I have been writing daily since July of 2008. DAILY! When Mattie was alive, there was a real purpose to my writing, my goal was to inform our community on Mattie's treatment and progress. The first year after Mattie died, the purpose was to remain connected with our community and to share our grief together. However, over the years the nature and purpose for the blog has changed and evolved, and with that I have taken stock on why am I writing the blog now? Who am I writing it for? Me or others? Perhaps the blog's purpose was always for both me and for others, and now I think the same applies. Except I would add that currently the blog is for me, others, and MATTIE. Writing the blog is very tied up into my relationship with Mattie. Somehow writing enables me to keep him alive and ever present in my life. I think to some extent stopping the blog is symbolic of a true death of Mattie in my mind. Some of you nurture you real children daily, whereas I am left to nurture mine through writing. So until I can come to some conclusions and understandings about my own feelings, I will continue to write.
With that said, today I received an email from a mom all the way from Manila, in the Philippines. It turns out that this mom has been reading Mattie's blog from its inception all the way up through today. I was so touched by this and very honored to receive her thoughts, feelings, and feedback. She wrote to me because she is looking for some resources to help her friend's daughter who was diagnosed this summer with Ewings Sarcoma, a type of bone cancer. In a way this mom's email was a great gift to me because she helped me to see how my writings are and continue to make a difference to others. Others who I may not even know are reading. In a way this email couldn't have come at a better time, when I feel I am at a crossroads with my own writing.
I also had an email exchange today with my friend Carolyn (our Foundation's raffle chair). Carolyn's children just started a new school this week, and she was reflecting with me how her daughter became friends this week with a girl named Maddie and her son became friends with a boy named Brandon. Naturally I got what she was telling me immediately.... Maddie and Brandon!!! Not unlike my Mattie and his big buddy Brandon! What are the chances of this coincidence? I am not sure, but Carolyn is sure that Mattie has been intervening here and I have come to believe that anything is possible. However, what I most appreciate about Carolyn's email is two fold. She knows that transitions back from vacation to home are always challenging for me and she is also aware of the fact that school is starting for all of Mattie's friends, and yet this isn't a part of my life anymore. Her reaching out to me made me feel appreciated and it also made me feel that Mattie was, on a very spiritual level, involved with her children's school process.
At some point during my day today, I was walking through the George Washington University Campus. While walking I bumped into our former department chair. We stopped and spoke for a while, and she immediately knew that Mattie's third year anniversary was next week. I am not sure how she remembered that, but somehow I feel better knowing that we are not alone in this. That others remember, that others reflect, and most importantly that others find the courage to acknowledge and say something to us.
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