Sunday, September 9, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008 at Mattie's end of year kindergarten party. I fortunately attended this party and I was able to see Mattie having a great time with his friends. This threesome was very special to me: Charlotte, Mattie, and Campbell. As Charlotte told me, this threesome was going to go to college together and even be roommates.
Quote of the day: He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it. ~ Turkish Proverb
The day after Mattie's third anniversary of course brings out all sorts of emotions. Our emotions aren't as volatile or explosive as perhaps they once were, now they tend to be more inward. In many ways these inward emotions are hard to live with, because they wear you down and are quite depressing. So I would say for the most part our day was clouded with sadness and depression.
Peter and I reflected on how we acknowledged Mattie's anniversary for the past three years. The first year, we had a tree gathering ceremony at Mattie's school in which Mattie's friends and our friends were in attendance. We all placed origami cranes on Mattie's tree and then I treated those in attendance to the kind of cupcakes Mattie loved, all of which had brightly colored frosting. That was a nice gathering, but a hard one for multiple reasons. One reason I won't do this again is because it was very hard for me to see the children and their parents come and go to this event. For some in attendance, this event was another activity on their calendar, and for us, it was much more than that. It was very evident to me that given schedules, right after the tree gathering, families were running off to the next activity. Naturally this is part of life, and I get that, but I don't have to get it on Mattie's anniversary of his death. It took me a long time to come to peace with that because I felt like I was the one being difficult. Upon reflection, I realize I am not being difficult or not understanding and caring of others, on the contrary, I spent a great deal of time doing just that while Mattie was ill, and now on difficult days for us, I have to think of what is in our best interest. Because at the end of the day if a public forum is only going to further upset and depress me, I don't need to add gasoline to an already well lit fire!
For Mattie's second anniversary, we went out to lunch with friends. This was a less public forum, which was better, but as time moves on, Peter and I feel as if the only ones who truly need to reflect on this day is us. We do not want to pressure others to feel obligated to go through this journey with us, which is why we do not schedule anything on September 8th. Honestly though I do not know what the answer is because spending the day alone does compound the isolation, and we reflected upon this today. Actually a lot of hurt has resulted from Mattie's death, Mattie's battle, and our hopes for how others in our lives would continue to be there for us. Loss is quite pervasive in our lives. Cancer has changed us and our relationships with others, and therefore the ramifications of cancer may appear to be over for us, but they truly aren't, the ramifications are now more subtle. Cancer influences how I see everything, how I experience everyone, and my expectations for how things should be.
Yesterday my friend Tina sent me this picture on my Blackberry. When I first saw the picture, I have to admit I was disoriented. I wasn't sure where this beautiful monarch was sitting. It turns out that this butterfly flew right into Tina's lap and sat there for 20 minutes. It is so unusual for a butterfly to do this, and I took this as a sign!
Since this butterfly decided to visit with Tina for a while, Tina had the opportunity to talk with others around her about the significance of this creature. As I told Tina yesterday, to me this was a sign from Mattie and she was our messenger. I did not see one butterfly yesterday, yet I do not believe in coincidence, therefore, from my perspective this butterfly was meant to land on my friend. I am so happy she shared it with me and captured it through a photo. 
No comments:
Post a Comment