Saturday, September 15, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2009, four months before Mattie died. I remember this picture very well, because Peter snapped it of us during one of our weekend stays at the Hospital. The night before this photo was taken, I left Peter and Mattie at the hospital, and I went home to get sleep. It was atypical for Peter or I to do this, since for most of the 15 month battle we remained together. But toward the end of Mattie's treatment, there were some nights I did spend at home just to regroup. Living in a hospital 24/7 was no easy task. Mattie's room was small, I slept in a chair at night, and we shared showers with other families. So privacy was non-existent and the lack of control over one's environment was beyond unsettling. But you would be amazed with what the human mind and spirit can get accustomed to!
Quote of the day: Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~ Robert Brault
Peter and I took a three mile walk together around Washington, DC. Along our journey we stopped and sat. While sitting, we noticed several taxis stopping in front of a building. Each taxi was filled to capacity with young adult women, all of whom had a lot of energy and were wearing very revealing outfits. By the time it was all said and done, around 100 women must have been standing on the sidewalk. We weren't the only people to stop and watch this scene unfold. Of course where the young women are, the young men are not far behind. It turns out one of the sororities at the George Washington University was having an event. It looked like a country western event actually, since the women were wearing very short shorts, cowboy boots, and hats. It was hard to believe that a bunch of undergraduates could cause so much commotion on a side walk, but to me this was better than watching reality TV! I am not sure what I found more disturbing, the outfits or the behavior. Needless to say, at one point I turned to Peter and said... "do you see why I can't return to the classroom?" Naturally undergraduates were always at a different developmental place than I was, even back in 2008. The only difference now is I have seen and experienced childhood cancer. I have witnessed the day to day traumas of children and teens battling for their lives, and observed their families feeling powerless to help. It is very hard to live with these visions, and therefore I find at times it is impossible to work with young people who are lucky enough to be healthy. I am quite aware of the typically developing behaviors of late teens and young adults, and realize what I saw today is a right of passage and part of the norm for many. Yet this is no longer my norm, and my patience, understanding, and tolerance for such behavior is much lower than it used to be.
Mattie's cancer battle and death has left me angry and mad at times. This may not be an emotion many around me see, since I try to keep it in check. However, during vulnerable times I can and do lash out at those closest to me. Rest assured when emotionally hurt, I can give out as good as I feel. It is my hope along my grief journey I will once again appreciate the beauty of normal activities, but for now it remains a struggle. In my struggle, I also find that I separate myself from others because I perceive our worlds as being so different. I suppose the key to is learn to live with these differences without isolating myself because of these differences. I recognize this in theory, but it is much harder to accept and follow through emotionally.
No comments:
Post a Comment