Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2007. Behind Mattie was one of his tinker toy creations. Mattie designed his version of a wind mill and stood proudly next to it for a photo. Mattie liked to build structures and then like any artist, would want to live with the work for a period of time. Sometimes he added onto them, designed play schemes around the creations, or simply admired them. There are so many things we miss about Mattie, but his creativity and the life that his creativity produced in our home are at the top of our list.
Quote of the day: People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past. ~ Nicholas Sparks
There is great truth in Sparks' quote about the fictional characters in books. They are fleeting in our lives, very temporary. They are with us for the duration of a book, and usually once we close the book, that is where we leave them. Of course every once in a while, we may read a book in which the main character evokes all sorts of thoughts and emotions within us, and therefore aspects of this tale lingers on.
Over the course of my life, I have met people who unfortunately live their lives as if they were reading a book. They make connections and friendships, but people are dispensable to them. Once they get what they need or help achieving what they wanted, they then move on. To some extent flexibility and understanding for changes within friendships are crucial aspects for surviving life.
However there is something about Sparks' quote that caught my attention today. Mainly because I view the fact that I survived Mattie's death as altering my perspective and clouding my judgment about what he is saying. He ends his quote with saying, "not from the past." If I take it one step further, I would say that most people live their lives future focused. They may learn or process what happened in the past, but that is just it..... the past is the past. However, the past is not the past for parents who lost a child to cancer or probably in any other capacity. A part of us will always live in the past. The past is our present and was our future! We can't just close the book on our current life, and move on. Because moving on (another term I DESPISE!) would mean that we left Mattie behind.
I also have found that as time 'moves forward' (which is a term I seem to be able to tolerate more than moving on) I cling to memories and to the way things were. Some days I want things to go back to exactly how they used to be! If only one could turn back the hands of time and rewrite the future! Certainly not only do I wish Mattie were alive, but at times during the grief journey I would like friendships and aspects of my life to revert back to the way they used to be. The changes we have been forced to deal with are overwhelming. Naturally my wishes are unreasonable, since my friends are changing as their children grow older and Peter and I do not travel in the same social circles as they do mainly because we are missing the important person who connected us to other families..... Mattie.
Parents who lost a child to cancer are trapped in a way. We are trapped with our memories and living in the past. The mind plays tricks on you, things you thought you couldn't forget, you can! It takes work to remember Mattie's smile, voice, and other subtleties, to keep Mattie's spirit alive, and each day I walk a fine line of living in the present on one foot and the past on the other.
Next week will mark the five year anniversary that I began writing Mattie's blog. A blog which is still read daily by hundreds of people! I think that is a testament to Mattie's life, but the blog serves as my memory of my journey as a mother. Are there days I rather not sit down at the computer to write? Perhaps, but after five years, it has become second nature to me, like brushing my teeth. It is part of my daily routine, it is my time to reflect upon Mattie, how he touched our lives, and it is my vehicle for integrating the past into my present daily life.
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