Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. That evening we walked with Mattie to the National Mall, right outside the White House gates. We photographed Mattie in front of the National Christmas tree and then walked around the display to look at the toy trains and the trees from the 50 states. We thoroughly enjoyed our surroundings that evening and it was our first time also seeing a real yule log. It was freezing outside so standing by the fire given off by the log was a real welcomed treat.
Quote of the day: Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man. ~ Benjamin Franklin
Being officially 2014, I want to reflect on the fact that I am moving into my sixth year of writing Mattie's blog. When Peter created this social media site for our care team in July of 2008, I actually wasn't planning on doing any of the writing. I viewed this as Peter's project. That notion lasted only maybe two weeks before I felt the need to express what was going on. Something I suspect Peter knew I would gravitate to!!! Certainly I would have never envisioned that the blog would grow and evolve into what it is today.
Originally the notion of the blog was to let friends and family know how Mattie was doing from day to day. It became necessary to establish such a site because it was impossible to verbally share accurate information to our entire community on a daily basis. While Mattie was battling cancer, the blog was visited by hundreds of people and on surgery days, I would say the blog was hit thousands of times. If you are interested in going back through the history of the blog, you can even see that people posted comments to my daily postings. The blog in and of itself chronicles a special little boy's journey of courage to battle osteosarcoma. A cancer which in my opinion is not for the meek or weak of heart and spirit. However, once Mattie died, the blog could have easily died with him. After all this is MATTIE'S blog, a blog about his battle and what we thought would be his recovery!!!
However, I view the blog as one of Peter's gifts to me. I certainly did not have the where with all or even knowledge back then to create a blog. But fortunately Peter did and saw the need for technology to bring our communities together. I believe one of the reasons we had such a strong care community (Team Mattie), was not only because it was comprised of amazing people, but because we shared our thoughts, feelings, and needs with these wonderful people daily. Not just then, but also now. It was through Mattie's blog that I observed first hand the power of being vulnerable. The ability to share honestly isn't easy and yet I saw how it opened up conversation and hearts in those around us. I can assure you there were days that I did not want to write and in fact there were times I had to censor what I truly wanted to say. I still have days like this when I could easily call things as I see them, but I realize my truths could cause hurt to specific people.
The blog has evolved in the last six years. In the first year after Mattie died, the blog became a vehicle to allow our care community into our world to know how we were doing physically and emotionally. The first year is deemed a crucial year in our society in which intense mourning and support is thought to be needed. However after that first year, I wonder what people thought would happen...... that we would bounce magically back and therefore did not need the same support, kindness, and friendship? I imagine society feels if the first year is survived then the subsequent years can't possibly be as painful. Which of course isn't true at all. All years after the first year are challenging and I would say different challenges surface with each passing year. The further you get from the loss, issues arise. You can feel guilty for not being able to remember certain details, for having a life while your child is gone, understanding that people forget and your loss is no longer in the forefront of their minds, and the list goes on.
Yet what I did not expect is that the blog serves a purpose to people I do not even know. People around the Country and the world. We have readers as far away as Australia and India. People who are facing or faced a loss. When people reach out to me and share that my words resonate with them and that they do not feel alone after reading the blog, this inspires me. It also helps me to see that my grief and my reactions are not solely Vicki problems, they are problems so many parents who lost a child to cancer endure. Yet for some reason are just not commonly talked about!!!
Connecting through words and feelings.... this is the gift that Peter gave me in 2008, when he developed the blog. It also happens to be a gift that keeps on giving. Though if you ask Peter, he would say the blog is ALL ME!!! That I make the blog come alive and that goes beyond technology! Even days when I am in the worst funk ever, I find my way to the blog. At the very least I post a photo of Mattie and a quote. Writing is my therapy, keeping Mattie's spirit alive is my mission, and as I migrate into 2014, those two things haven't changed. These are my givens in life, or in essence how I end and start each year.
All my best to my readers for a healthy and happy 2014! Some of you have been with me on this daily journey since the beginning, July of 2008! You are loved.
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