Tonight's picture was taken on April 4, 2009.... Mattie's seventh and last birthday with us. We celebrated Mattie's birthday in the child life playroom of the hospital. Mattie was very excited to have several of his close friends visit him and he, Linda (Mattie's child life specialist) and Meg (child life intern) decorated the playroom for this special occasion. Linda ordered Georgetown Cupcakes (a local DC company) for Mattie's celebration. Knowing that Mattie disliked chocolate, all of the cupcakes were vanilla! Cupcakes have great significance to us because they were one of the food items Mattie always wanted to eat! Given that the chemo made Mattie so sick, he rarely wanted to eat. He became emaciated, yet cupcakes brought him happiness. In fact, I started baking him cupcakes at home and took them to the hospital to use as incentives to do physical therapy! I can't see a cupcake today, especially a Georgetown Cupcake, without thinking of Mattie.
Quote of the day: In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends. ~ John Churton Collins
Tonight's quote is really very poignant. When Mattie was battling cancer, I am not sure I had expectations for any of my friends, mainly because my focus was Mattie. Yet I also knew I had a very deep and wide Team Mattie behind us, supporting us, and meeting every need and wish. So I probably did not dwell on this friendship and adversity notion. Yet who comprised or led Team Mattie?
Now in retrospect and not in crisis, I can look at this quote and truly get the meaning behind it. Friends who I had for YEARS and YEARS, are not the ones who rose to the occasion to lead or even serve on Team Mattie. I suppose I could ask why? But I don't think there is just one simple answer to this one big question. After all, I would have hoped that friends who knew me 15 or more years and lived locally, would want to help, would know me best, and therefore, know how to mobilize forces. But it doesn't work out that way. Does that make these long term friendships any less significant now?
In my case, the answer to this is YES. In fact, one very close friend who I met in grad school and I had known for 15 years, basically walked away from our friendship. After all those years. She told me in an email that our friendship was making her sick.... mainly because the stress of Mattie's cancer and then death was too much for her. She did not come to Mattie's funeral, nor told me we weren't friends anymore. I had to reach out to her to find out where she was and what was going on! When I did, she said to me that her husband and son advised her to sever all communication with me. I wish I was making this up or misinterpreting this, but it is the reality.
As I said to Alison, how many friendships are formed like ours? I would say it is unusual, but it also makes the bond solid. Alison saw me at my worst and never walked away. Team Mattie had two co-leaders, each with different strengths and personalities. Not knowing either one of them well, could have been daunting in the beginning, and it was, because besides helping Mattie manage treatment, I also had to get to know the two women leading his support community. Yet these two women really rallied the troops and had all our basic needs covered, and of course through this process an emotional connection unfolded. It was an intense way of getting to know two people, and I have to think the cupcakes that came yesterday are a testament to what we survived together. It is part of our history.
1 comment:
Vicki,
After reading this blog, I think I have the answer to at least part of my question about friend interactions!
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