Wednesday, August 17, 2022

Wednesday, August 17, 2022

Tonight's video was taken in August of 2009. Literally a month before Mattie died. We bought Mattie Speedy Red, a ride-on vehicle which he always wanted. I remember pre-cancer when Mattie told me he wanted such a vehicle, the answer was always no. I figured it was expensive and this would be an item he would grow tire of. Funny how my perspective changed with a cancer diagnosis. This video shows Mattie's first time driving Speedy Red. I had no idea if Mattie understood the concept of driving, so I sat in (or squeezed into) the passenger seat. Mattie was hooked up to all sorts of machines (which sat in the back seat of the car), so there was no way I was letting him drive alone. Well not at first anyway! Mattie took to driving like a duck to water. He was a natural and understood the concept of the brake and gas pedal, so much so that after a few tries, he wanted to ride alone. Which I complied with, but I was running behind the car just in case. 

Quote of the day: To lose patience is to lose the battle. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Some days my patience is better than others. But I agree with Gandhi's sentiment, because patience is absolutely needed in order to survive and cope with any crisis. I had a conference call this morning with a pharmaceutical company which has asked me to serve as their spokesperson for mental health issues and childhood cancer during September's National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. It was a very interesting call, and I decided to move forward with this request. After the call, my mom wanted to go out to CVS.

Once a month, my mom likes to shop at CVS, particularly because they send me a 30% coupon each month. The other day she handed me a coupon to hold onto, so that we could use it today. So I did! My mistake was I never looked at the expiration date. If I had, then I would have realized she gave me a coupon that expired in June. Needless to say, we went to CVS and filled a cart with items she wanted. We got to the check out counter and I handed the coupon to the salesperson. At which point she tells us the coupon isn't valid. Mind you this salesperson is a peach, as she deals with us every month. She went above and beyond to help us and tried to find the August coupon electronically. But paper coupons can't be retrieved electronically, so I have learned. 

As we were trying to figure this out, my mom was getting herself very worked up and then tells me that I AM THE ONE WHO lost her August coupon. Meanwhile I was trying to work the problem with the salesperson. When I tell you I am frazzled I am not kidding. I am balancing every need for each of my parents and I assure you there are MANY. Even if I had lost the coupon, which I know I didn't, I would personally cut me some slack. How I just did not explode at the CVS counter is truly a feat of grand proportion. Some days I just want to scream and other days I get very dejected that I just can't go on like this. But then who is going to listen to my rant? 

I remind myself to have patience. That things won't always be like this. But at the same time, the stress is overwhelming and not having a minute to rest, to catch up on work, to focus on anything other than caregiving is depressing. Slowly I am losing whatever identity I once had, and of course my fear is once this caregiving is all over, I will be very lost, directionless, and friendless. It would be very easy to also dump the Foundation, because I just don't have the time or energy for it. But this is my commitment to Mattie, and one that I take seriously no matter what.