Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie was clearly very busy. On his hospital tray table he had Legos and one of his creations made out of yogurt containers and boxes. Mattie loved to use a hot glue gun and to build with boxes. This passion started in kindergarten and continued throughout his cancer journey. Thankfully Mattie was creative because he really needed these positive diversions when confined to a 2x4 hospital room. What always amazes me was I knew how ill Mattie was, dealing with intense pain, and yet look at that smile!
Quote of the day: The loss of a pet is like losing a member of your family. ~ Bob Barker
My dad is slowly improving on his high dosage of antibiotics. His symptoms have greatly improved, he doesn't seem as winded when walking, and I am hoping in time his energy level comes back. I am glad to see his appetite has returned. I am making sure he gets plenty of bread and jam. These are his favorites and they help with weight gain.
After getting my dad settled this morning, I spent some time on the computer, digging through some Foundation email and then figuring out how to autopay several of our bills. Literally two days ago, I woke up in a sheer panic. Bordering on hysteria. In my dream I was worried about how bills were getting paid and I was so disturbed in my dream that I woke up wondering...... will we have electricity, gas, and water? Rationally I knew we would, but dreams and feelings aren't always rational. It speaks to my level of exhaustion, fear, stress, and sheer disillusionment.
For most of my entire adult life, I have never had to worry about paying bills and managing household finances. This wasn't my focus or responsibility. We all take on different roles in life, and now given my intense caregiving role, taking on this financial role is a very heavy lift. I am not only managing the household but helping my mom with bills and other administrative issues. Truthfully this alone could be a full time job, but what I am finding is I have many full time jobs that I perform on any given day. I am a testament to the fact that the human body, mind, and spirit can take on a lot more than we can imagine. Yet I also know (from my research) that such stress will come at a great price to me in the future. Yet despite the stress, what wears me down is knowing as I age, I won't have a spouse or a child to turn to for support. It is a painful reality.
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