Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. Mattie was five years old. I had recently gotten back from a conference in New Orleans. When I did, I brought back the fancy face mask and fan that I received at the conference. As you can see, Mattie loved both items. Peter stayed home to care for Mattie while I was gone. It was an important conference for me, because the next year I became the president elect of this professional association. The year I was supposed to be president, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. I never got to officially serve out my term, a position I was looking forward to and one that I felt would have helped to launch my career. Another thing not meant to be.
Quote of the day: A broken heart is the worst. It’s like having broken ribs. Nobody can see it, but it hurts every time you breathe. ~ Unknown
This morning, a representative from my Ford dealership came to pick up my car for service. They are about five minutes away from my home, and I am grateful for their free pick up and drop off service. Truly anything that makes my life slightly easier, I consider a miracle. For the past few days, I have been concerned about my car. It felt wobbly and while driving it felt like I was constantly driving over rough terrain. However, the pavement was flat and fine. At first I thought it was just me, but by Sunday, I wasn't comfortable driving the car. Fortunately I have my parents car, and I have been driving it since Sunday. Naturally in the past, I would have just asked Peter. Peter would have assessed the situation and addressed it. I no longer have Peter and instead have to figure it out.
I wasn't sure what my service rep was going to say to me today. I was expecting anything from NOTHING is wrong with the car Vicki to IT'S BAD! Thankfully I learned that the tire weights came off from one of my front tires. Tire weights can fall off due to the adhesive that holds them in place gradually weakening over time. When this happens, the weights can become loose and eventually fall off. Missing tire weights can cause an imbalance, which explains the shaky and wobbliness that I felt. However, over time if left unchecked this could cause an accident or damage to the car. So I am glad I followed my gut and had the car checked out immediately.
Today I alerted my service contact at Ford that I will be getting a divorce. Which is why I explained that I may need more help and guidance on car maintenance. I learned from my service contact that her father left her mother after a 36 year marriage, so naturally we got to talking. Unfortunately her mother died three years ago, and it sounded like her life was never the same after her father left. I TOTALLY get it! Her one piece of advice to me was NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND, unless this has happened to them. That I should follow my own time line and find a way forward that works for me. INDEED! We were speaking the same language. After all Peter has been an important part of my life for 36 years, no one else's.
Out of the blue, I also heard from a friend of mine from graduate school. His wife left him after a 16 year marriage. He told me his story to let me know that he understands, I am not alone, and that he feels the person who leaves always faces regret, remorse, and guilt at some point in the future. My friend says to be prepared for when this happens. He isn't the only person who has told me this. I of course, take it one day at a time, as I live with intense grief, pain, heartache, and disbelief that this is happening to me.
I was on the phone constantly today. As my dad has to be at the hospital on Wednesday at 6:30am. What a time! My mom insists on coming with us, so it will be a hellish morning. Wish me luck. Why the hospital decided to wait until the day before his surgical procedure to do a pre-op screening is beyond me. Totally unprofessional and I let them know. At first the nurse did not want to talk with me, she wanted to work directly with my dad. I said that wasn't going to happen and by now this hospital system should know that my dad has moderate stage dementia. She got snippy, about supplying the hospital with his medical power of attorney and his power of attorney. I LOST IT! Why? Because I did this years ago, in order to be able to oversee his patient portal and advocate for him during his pacemaker surgery in 2022. It was a day of non-stop calls and issues.
Signing off for tonight. Hoping that my dad's procedures go well tomorrow, as he needs a cystoscopy, ureteroscopy, lithotripsy, and two stent placements. All of this is outpatient and hopefully I will be taking home a stable patient.
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