Thursday, August 22, 2024

Thursday, August 22, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007. Mattie was five years old. This was our last summer of normalcy, because in 2008, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. This photo was taken in San Diego, with the Coronado bridge in the background. I remember in July of 2008, when Mattie was diagnosed, I told his oncologist..... can we wait to start treatment, until we get back from our trip to California to visit my parents!? Of course the doctor said, NO, treatment had to start immediately! That was how clueless I was at diagnosis. Naturally I got up to speed immediately. 

Quote of the day: It’s hard asking someone with a broken heart to fall in love again. ~ Eric Kripke

This quote makes me laugh. Not only would falling in love again be the furthest thing from my mind, I would say I have become closed off from most of the world in order to protect myself. What I have learned over the last 11 months is that anyone can hurt me, even the person I loved and trusted the most. Therefore, if my own spouse can decimate me, who knows what anyone else could do to me! I for one have NO INTENTION of finding out. 

Today was another winner of a day. I had to have someone over to do work on the house. What I thought was going to be a somewhat expensive project, turned out to be ridiculous one. Nonetheless, I had no choice, but when facing bill after bill, my anxiety level rises significantly. I live with constant stress.... caregiving, house maintenance, unbelievable expenses and bills, legal fees, and of course heartache of grand proportion with Peter's abandonment. Some days I do not know how I make it through the day. TRULY.

Here's a happy story! Last night before taking my dad upstairs to bed, I noticed a FedEx envelope under my front doormat. I opened up the envelope and to my surprise was my Amgen co-pay assistance for Prolia. I have been working on getting this $1,500 since March! It would never have happened without my Prolia Angel at Amgen. I called John today to thank him personally. I also wrote a glowing email to his boss. We have gotten to know each other, since we practically talked weekly since June. John lives in Pittsburgh and he said that hopefully our paths will cross in the future. In any case, I am grateful to have people like John to turn to when I need help, because I am on my own. 

I received a care package from my friend and colleague, Nancy. So many lovely and thoughtful gifts. Everything from "love notes" to remind me I am loved to a Mary Poppins figurine (which is poignant, because I used to describe myself as Mary Poppins.... because when I was a mom, in my bag was practically something for all needs and purposes). 

The purple bat, I placed on one of my Mattie's memory shelves. He would have loved this pin. 

The miniature turtle which I got today, I placed next to my momma turtle (which I already had). These two turtles symbolize Mattie and me. 

Any time Mattie saw an animal with its baby, he always said.... they are just like us! Indeed, so happy to have this duo on my shelves. 

I am sure you notice the bride and groom Lladro. This figurine was on the top of our wedding cake. Here's the story about it. It is unofficially entitled, "Lefty." When we shipped it to our wedding reception site, the bride's left thumb broke off in the box. That's how the duo was affectionately called Lefty. Peter glued the thumb back, and it went on the cake, broken thumb and all. No one could see the break, but we knew! It used to be our joke. Now I wonder if that was an omen or sign! 

Next to Lefty, is a little bell. Do you see it? Peter's mom gave these bells out to guests as a gift at our rehearsal dinner. To ring in our union. Over all these years, I have had these reminders of our special day on display. Now of course the only one these items matter to is me.