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Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2006. Mattie was four years old. That day we were visiting Legoland in San Diego! Given Mattie's love of Legos, this was the perfect theme park for him. Actually it is a park that resonates with all ages, as it has something for everyone. In Mattie's hand was a toy car with a surf board on top of it. Quintessential California. That car was a favorite of Mattie's for many years, and it served as a reminder of all his fun trips visiting my parents.
Quote of the day: One of the hardest things to do in life is letting go of what you thought was real. ~ Kathleen Aquino
Tonight's quote is brilliant. Some days I am able to manage through, and other days, the reality of my loss becomes overwhelming. For the last 36 years, I thought my relationship with Peter was real, solid, and that we survived the impossible. When Peter walked out on me on September 23, 2023, this rocked my world. Everything that were givens in my life, things that I thought were true, have now all come into question. I can't tell you how disorienting all of this is, and yet, as his wife, I feel like there is no one who knows Peter better. Something just doesn't make sense to me about like a dog with a bone, I am determined to eventually get answers.
This morning, I drove my mom into the city to get her hair and nails done. I have know my hairstylist and manicurist for decades. Neither of them can believe I am getting divorced. In fact, anyone who knew Peter and I, can't get over this, as we shared a special bond and love. No matter what I do, I am constantly juggling time schedules and my parent's needs. While at the salon with my mom, I have to track to the time, because my dad needs to be picked up at a certain time. I can't tell you the stress I feel over tasks, time, bills, the house, Peter's abandonment, and the list goes on.
My mom started once again on her lament this afternoon. No matter how many times she peppers me, I have no better insights on Peter's behavior, his leaving, or what he does on any given day. I have NO IDEA because since Peter walked out on me, we haven't spoken to each other and in all intensive purposes it is like he died. We are that disconnected, which I assure you is deeply disturbing and makes me very unhappy. After hearing this for over an hour, I told my mom she had to stop. I felt faint, and developed a horrible migraine.
The depths of pain I experience are indescribable, as it is very hard for me to accept that the man I loved and devoted by life to for 36 years is no longer by my side. How I could use the support now more than ever, and yet I manage the impossible each day alone. All of this could make me absolutely crazy, yet there is no time to have a melt down, to process anything, because I am juggling thousands of tasks and problems each and every day.
My neighbors were on travel the last two weeks. I have been collecting their mail and tonight I met up with them to hand over their items. We got to talking, I greeted their dog, and I learned they were going to see Jerry Seinfeld tonight with their children. Years ago, Peter and I saw Seinfeld at the Kennedy Center. Just hearing that my neighbor's were going to this show tonight, transported me back in time. Of course that then led my brain into a tailspin, because unlike this family, I lost my child to cancer, and I am no longer married. How on earth did my life land up like this?
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