Monday, December 8, 2025

Monday, December 8, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old and he was in my parent's backyard in Los Angeles. They had all sorts of fruit trees. I can't tell you the amount of time Mattie spent picking, collecting, and sorting the fruit. It was no wonder I nick named him "Farmer Brown!" 

Quote of the day: I exist in two places, here and where you are. ~ Margaret Atwood

This morning, my mom and I were both exhausted. But I had to get to the hospital for my mammogram, which meant herding my mom. She truly does not do well in the morning! When I got to the hospital, I brought her to the main lobby and set her up with her breakfast that I brought from home. I then walked to the outpatient portion of the campus and got my testing done. Truly my head was all over the place, and while at the imaging center, I was sending all sorts of messages to my dad's doctors. How I even got the mammogram done, I don't know. As I was going through the motions, with my head in four places at once. 

When I arrived in my dad's room, chaos was unfolding. My dad pulled out all his IVs. He had two in his arms yesterday! That may not sound like a big deal, but it is for someone who has rolling veins. It is very hard accessing his veins. So I faced the IV issue, I deduced quickly that my dad was constipated --- as he wasn't eating much and was moaning in pain, and then add to this, his back is spasming and he is in horrific pain. It is hard for him to lift his arms to eat, you can't turn him side to side, you can't move the bed, or do anything without him screaming. Which means that my dad has not gotten out of bed since Saturday! That is like being in bed for month for the rest of us. The more time he stays in bed, the worse his trajectory for recovery will be!

I did meet with his doctor today and he quickly understood my concerns. My dad's pain is significant enough to warrant giving him Oxycodone. Even with one dose of this pain med, he was still screaming in pain! It made NO DIFFERENCE! So that isn't working. We discussed a muscle relaxant, but they are all afraid to give him this because they feel it will impact his cognitive state. Either case, at least I did not have to advocate for him to remain at the hospital. He isn't stable to go anywhere.

In addition, I called to talk with patient advocacy today because I felt like a complaint needed to be filed about the treatment of cognitively impaired patients being transported for an x-ray. My dad was transported for an x-ray on Sunday at 5pm. He did not return to the room until 7:30pm. By the time he returned, he was hysterical and scared! He said that the transporter just left him alone all that time and he thought the transporter died and that he would never find his way back to us and his room. Why wasn't someone keeping him posted? Checking in with him? Reassuring him? As two hours away from his family is a long time! 

As some point today, my mom and I spoke to my cousin Maureen. Maureen has been a devoted caregiver to multiple family members over the course of her life, so she is very familiar with my daily stresses and all the things I am facing. While others may have a hard time understanding how I can be a caregiver when my world has fallen all around me, Maureen immediately gets it. As she said, I am guided by responsibility and my commitment to those I love. So though I would like to jump out of a window because of the painful disintegration of my marriage and how I have been treated, I do not! I do not because my parents need me, so as long as someone needs my care, I find a way forward. But as Maureen says.... it won't always be this way, and then what? It is an excellent and profound question. The then what? It is not an area I like to visit or explore too often, because it takes me to a very dark place. I am signing off for today, and can only hope tomorrow will be a better day.